A
female
age
36-40,
*amara Hanley
writes:Hi I was wondering if you could help me at all.My ex boyfriend of 5 years split with me in 2008 before i completely lost my sanity i left for a new life in London. I was doing ok and seemed to be moving on until my ex wanted me back. He moved to London to make a new go of things with me but i had already got involved with someone by that time and being selfish i kept seeing both men until i wored out exactly what i wanted. In the end i chose my ex as i still loved him he was upset about me seeing the other guy but seemed to get over it as time went on. I did nothing but reassure him i loved him and only him and worked really hard at keeping the relationship going.Then one day my ex decided he couldnt trust me anymore and i came home from work one day and founf my tv and pc gone and a note from him. He had left me wihtout me knowing and went back up north for a few weeks he rejected my calls i was absaloutely distraught and heartbroken. While he was up north he went to some party and met a girl (in the space of about 2 days of leaving me)We were meant to go on holiday together but i ended up going on my own as my ex came back from up north i allowed him to stay in my flat and use me for sex before i left for ibiza. While i was in ibiza he found himself somwhere else to live and carried on seeing this girl on weekends up north. I was a complete mess in Ibiza and came home early on a flight for him to use me for sex again and then leave me for his new houseshare. He told me he still loved me but wasnt in love with me for what id done to him. I have always loved the guy completely and solely. He should have never ruined my life up north and i wouldnt have fled to london. He has strung me along since we split up and i was totally emotionally distraught so much so i lost my job and home. I couldnt have afforded the flat on my own anyway and he has left me with alot of debt, he talks to me like crap - i was his ex of 7 years and he treats me like crap. I have doen niothing but try and make up for what i did, he blocked me from facebook deletd all our pics together, used me for sex and is going out pulling every week. I know why he is doing this to punish me. He is so nasty to me its unreal he says such evil things to me and has me running around to his place for him to use me and lead me on, he dangles me on a string. He is nice to my face and then when i try to contact him over the phone he is awful. I have been in pieces since he left 4 months ago and have done nothing but prove i love him, and want him back and want to earn his trust back. It has been hell for me it really has and now i feel i have to leave London as he has spoilt my life here and i have no one around me and am just miserable everyday while he seems to be moving on.If you read my previous questions you will see the history to all this. I know that he is punishing me and i should leave him alone but he is constantly on mymind all day and all night and all i do is think of ways to get him back.Anyway i left him alone for a week after i visited his place and he used me again. I went out to buy him a gift as its his birthday soon and i sent him a text asking him to contact me he didnt so i tried phoning him and i was back on the rejection list again. He then phoned me and left a voicemail to say he was seeing someone, i could have died. - Then when i seen a picture through facebook of her she is a total DOG.I ended up going to meet him the next day and he as trying it on with me, i then said to him you cant have your cake and eat it and wont you feel bad cheating on this new girl. He said no i dont love her and you are the hottest woman ill ever get and that it is what it is. I decided to tell him i was going to leave London and start again up north and get my life back, he seemed a bit sad and as though he would want to leave too.The next day after i stupidly slept with him eventhough he is seeing someone else he emailed me to say i think its best you dont contact me anymore. Iwas livid so i eamield back saying youre lucky i dont tell your new girl about this and i think its best we never see or speak to each other again. Suddenly he spun it around saying no no i didnt mean it like that.What i am thinking is that if i reject him like he has with me then he will run after me more. The only reason he has gone ou and slept with the first thing on offer is to feel as though he is getting revenge on me, he clearly doesnt take this new girl as serious to sleep with me does he? I think although i did wrong to him my sentence is now up as he must feel he finally has revenge on me or whatever. Maybe if i stay away from him and leave him have is pathetic bachelor life in croydon he will get bored and want me back and i will be hopefully set up at home and getting ym life back. I do love the guy and before he left me in 2008 our relationship was golden we were so happy and he got scared as i think he though he was missing out on something and then wanted me back, i dont know.I feel as though my life is in turmoil and i cant get over this at all. It has been 4 months the seasons have changed he is moving on in his hosueshare and makeing friends and pulling women on a weekend and i am stuck in a lonely cold househare with no one around me, not making friends and being miserable. I do want the old boyfriend i had back but its as though he has changed into this evil nasty person, he is not the guy i fell in love with at all. I dont know what to do and just wondered if i could have your advice on whether to give up in London and go home to start again or whether to long it out here and see what happens see if i meet someone new or get my own place again or get my independence back i dont know. I still want to be the guys girlfriend and i do know he loves me eventhough he says he doesnt and i know he misses what we used to have together up north. I just hope as he has now finally slept with someone else that he feels my punishment is over and now he has his revenge or whatever. I dont think i can be with anyone else at all, my head is everywhere and everyday there is a new debt collection agency phoning me. I feel as though he is stealign the life i had when i first moved to london, ebing independent and having a good time. I dont know but my head is everywhere. I just want him to want me back and i dont know how that will ever happen. I know people say exes always come back but do they come back a second or even third time? I never wanted to admit defeat here and have to go back up north without him, i wanted to make a go of it here and it feels as though he is fine without me and moving on and enjoying his freedom without me, i honestly dont know what to do but he consumes my mind everyday. Please give me any advice or guidance? If you read my previous questions you will probably have a better understanding. Thanks
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debt, facebook, fell in love, heartbroken, his ex, my ex, on holiday, revenge, split up, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): Whoa..Whoa...I realize you are very upset at all this, but really YOU must take some responsibility here. I'm sure you will think this somewhat harsh, especially as you say how devastated you are etc. But I am reading this from an outsider, who perhaps sees different angles and lots of NOT ready for a serious relationship behaviour, from both sides.
FIRST: You have to STOP saying he is using you, NO, he can only have sex with you IF you allow it, don't say NO, or keep your legs closed. This is direct, and I don't apologize for that, as it may make you see, all this constant saying how he is ' Using you ' is not accurate, you are permitting this, as HE is, you both are NOT acting like adults or really spending time deciding what you want from each other, IF anything.
SECONDLY: Your ex-boyfriend made a commitment to move to London to make a second go of things with you. Which you then state you were already involved with someone, than in itself does not suggest someone who is taking an emotional break to heal, you just jumped back into dating and a relationship, then CONTINUED to see both men.
Human but NOT exactly what ' making a go of a relationship is about ' MORE like keeping an insurance policy for yourself until YOU decide which one to be with. Now I'm sure IF you were being honest enough to tell your ex-boyfriend, the one who moved to London to be with you, you were seeing someone else at the same time whilst you made your mind up.
IF you did this, and he knew, then he has to take responsibility for the choices he made, as they were made with you being open and honest with him. But somehow, I don't think YOU gave him this information until you had ended the relationship with the other guy. In which case it is no wonder your EX-Boyfriend is all over the place with his emotions, and not sure of you, as you have already proved you can see TWO men at the same time, and I presume, sleep with both men, this would have been an awful shock, especially knowing he had moved for you. This is no different to adultery within a marriage, he felt you and him were living one life, when you were very much living TWO!
There is never an excuse to hold on to two people as an insurance policy - as this surely has shown you how it can seriously backfire. Of course with regards to your ex, leaving without a word to you, discussing the situation, is also not acceptable, but again, a reaction, albeit, an aftermath of reaction, but, one that is human.
Can you resolve this, well that will depend on you and your boyfriends ability NOT yo harbour ill-feelings, and take action in ways that will do nothing but erode the foundations for building any trust between you.
You do have to stop having sex, and please, no one can use anyone, unless they ALLOW IT, it sounds as though he takes you by your hair, dragging you to bed against your will, and this is not the case. So start with this, take control and responsibility for yourself and your actions.
Perhaps you are both too young for a serious relationship, perhaps you have both passed it's sell by date, NOT every relationship goes the full journey. The dishonesty you demonstrated when he came to London will be a big issue to resolve I'm afraid, and now, it may be him doing what YOU did to him, having this girl up North, either way it is NO way to resolve this - You need to take a step back, stop blaming, and TALK, TALK, TALK about what you both want or see for the future, as I say if any, but do NOT have sex with him, or any other man IF you really want this man back.
Jilly
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): You say "you know he loves you"? You "know he misses you"? If any of what you are saying in this post is even remotely true, I can guarantee you this guy neither loves you nor misses you.
You need to cut this guy out altogether. He is warping your whole sense of reality. You are not even making any sense. Punish you? He is punishing you for what? Because he broke up with you and you did the only RIGHT thing you could do which was to move on. The only reason he came back was not because he loved you or missed you, but only because you moved on. Men like that cannot handle women ever getting over them. So he came back, got your attention, once he had you interested again, he left you. It was an ego thing, had nothing to do with love. Now he got you right where he wants you. You can't even function without him. Your feeding right into his ego. That's all he wants you for. That and sex.
I guarantee you this guy is not normal. Normal men don't behave this way (just so you know). He has definitely got a personality disorder. My guess is probably psychopathy or a variation of psychopathy. These men will take your soul if they can. They will destroy you. Financially, emotionally, you name it.
You need to cut all contact with this man and get yourself professional help and/or plenty of support from family and friends. It is very important that you don't isolate yourself, you really need to inform people about what is going on and let people help you. Psychopaths are CRAZY and they will destroy you. They tend to prey on people who are lonely and don't have alot of social outlets, that is how they get away with so much.
Please do yourself a favor and tell a loved one what is going on. You are not going to find the answers or the support you need by venting on this site. You can help yourself by letting yourself be helped by people around you. It is very important for you to speak up. Get help. Please.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 November 2010):
 Maybe you really should consider cutting the contact 100%
You two seem to have an absolutely messed up and toxic way of treating each other.
I think he told you the truth, when he said he loves you but isn't in love with you. You, on the other hand, is in love with the idea of him, not him. (if that makes sense).
I think for your own sanity, you need to cut the contact and move on. Take sometime to find out who you are without him, what you WANT and go for it.
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