A
female
age
51-59,
*cmh
writes:Do cheating men who abandon their wives and families feel guilty? Feel anything? Responsibility?Do they really believe thier own lies, that somehow it was the wife's fault?"She drove me to it"?, all the while still sleeping with their wife?If it really was the wife's, (my), why didn't he say something before just walking out the door?I mean to tell someone you love them, then in an instant your life vanishes, you're left with 3 kids, no money and are completely devestated and totally blindsided.He feels NOTHING, but anger and blame for me.What the heck did the kids do to get cut out of dear ol' dads life, and his paycheck?He cheated, not me.How do these men live with themselves, no contact, no financial support, absentee father, I mean to the tune of an hour or 2 spent with one or more of the 3 kids every month or 6 wks.?Hasn't seen one in nearly a year.Do they really feel nothing? HOW?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2010): It's terrible that you have had to go through this and then endure more pain by being told that it is all your fault. However, you can't make a valid generalization based on a sample of one person's experience. All people are different and handle similar situations differently. Some can't face their shortcomings, while others can. Some take time to face their mistakes and admit to them. People who can't face their problems will make excuses, like "It was all your fault." or "Everyone does it." or something similar.
Rarely is a problem 100% the fault of one person. Yes, it might be 90-10 or 80-20, but it is rarely 100-0. When there is a breakup, even the person who was at fault the least, like you have been, should look at what they might have done to contribute to the problem. It might be minor, but it could be helpful to realize it. Even minor problems can grow into something big if not discussed and resolved. If never discussed, then one partner might make a big error in judgment because of their unhappiness.
I hope he realizes his mistake and the continuing mistake of ignoring the children and your financial needs so that you can put your life back together.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (27 January 2010):
Some guys do. My girlfriend was married to a guy who cheated on her, and all he did was blame her for everything. Thankfully she's been able to move on. Some guys are just that bad. All you can do now is be strong for yourself and your children and try to move forward with your life.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (27 January 2010):
 Your question is rhetorical, but I'll have a try at answering anyway. It sounds like a mid-life crisis, which in extreme cases can make men behave as if they had a mental illness. That seems to particularly be the case when their conscience was under-developed to begin with. He's gone off to a new relationship and is experiencing the euphoria that goes with that.
Unless he's a complete schumck, he'll come to his senses in a few months and at least try to make amends with the kids. Of course there are no amends he can make to you -- you're stuck with dealing with the brunt of his second childhood. Hang in there for your kids (which I'm sure you're doing). I hope you can find happiness again before too long.
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