A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I could use some guidance on something that has been bothering me for weeks.I divorced about a year and a half ago and recently remarried (to someone new). I am so in love and truly on a better path in life. My former marriage was long however, and now that the wedding and wedding planning for my new relationship it are behind me, I find myself thinking more about my ex. Not in a longing or remorseful way, but more in a "hey, just wanted to say hi" kinda way because i was so distracted for the past year. My ex and I are still raising a teen son, so we see each other occasionally, but only for a few seconds. We had a kinda rough divorce, and things are still a bit raw, and I dont think she likes that I've moved on already, but...is it wrong for me to just send an email saying a few things and letting her know I care and hope she is well?I have also been having dreams now and then where I say hi to her and we talk a bit...something I would like very much to do. This post is fueled by one of those dreams...so I am inclined to blow it off as pure emotion. So that is why I posted here before just writing her.BTW, my new wife is cool with it all. She understands, and she posts happy birthdays and such to ex'es who she was with only a short time (although those parted on better terms). So I know she'd be cool with it. Interestingly, my ex'es birthday is coming up, so I was thinking of a happy birthday kinda email?Just wondering if I should reach out to my old friend or just let it be.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2012): And the OP has spoken and this is my last word on the matter. OP don't pity other people (some do not treat their ex like crap)....you may rationalise and may talk about mind, matter, heart, soul but you have not addressed your Real issues.
Good luck in your new marriage. Your son needs you during his teenage years and if anything, that is the most important thing right now. I trust you realise this. Forget about your dreams and your conscious...
LoveGirl
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2012): OP here again. I'll tell you how I deal with it.
For whatever reasons, good or bad, my ex and I grew apart. We failed to give each other what was needed. So we moved on. Exactly how or why it happened is immaterial...it happened.
I moved on, perhaps a bit faster than her, but I am older and know what I want and dont want. But here's the thing..."moving on" is essentially a type of acceptance. Acceptance is a state of mind...not a state of heart or soul. Sometimes, when your mind leads, the heart and soul don't always follow along for the ride. I believe I have bouts where my heart and soul sing out the good times of the past. Does that make it wrong, or heartless, or imbalanced? I don't believe so. We spend a majority of our life caught somewhere between what's logical and rational, and what is impulsive, sudden, unplanned and fun. Somewhere in the middle is what we are, and hopefully, that somewhere is a happy place.
I'm in that happy place...I wasn't with my ex...at least not toward the end.
Commitment and vows are important. They are the utmost expression of the mindful part of us. But you have to follow your heart and soul...for that is where we are happiest.
I used to feel selfish for wanting to be happy. Not anymore...and I pity those who stay in failed relationships just to say they stuck it out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2012): So Very Confused, I agree with you with some of what you have said. You are soon (if not already) getting married for the 4th time, so your situation is somewhat different. You and your hubby also had an open marriage so it is very different from this particular situation. You are very fortunate to have this 'cosy' relationship between your ex and yourself. However I'm sure you don't have this close a friendship/civilness with all your ex's.
Everyone dreams of having/being civil to their ex-sometimes it is just not possible especially since emotions are still involved and especially when one spouse moves on quickly and the other doesn't.
I do not believe that his dreams are just his brain working things out. Dreams are the underlying reality. Dreams are indeed so powerful and they hit the mark time and time again. I used to previously consider my dreams as meaningless but once I have begun to analyse and interpret my dreams, it has resolved many of my issues. I repeat Dreams are not random. Dreams do become our conscious!
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 July 2012):
OP,
I just got off the phone with my ex husband… we are friendly… in fact, next week when my fiancé and I go on vacation, my ex and his new wife will be there… we will see them on and off for a whole week…(it’s a large convention we all attend)…. We are civil, we will probably have at least one meal with them… BUT do I want an ongoing relationship with my ex… NO
I want to be civil and friendly but not friends. We too ended a marriage that just was not working out… he was not happy and there was no fixing it… it wasn’t him, it wasn’t me… it was us…
I had regular contact with my first husband when we separated and divorced as we had small children… by the time they were teens we had minimal contact and now we have none other than the check he gets from me to help support our disabled adult child (he has legal guardianship of him and will forever)
Again, if you are having dreams, they are just your brain working things out… I don’t’ agree that you moved on too quickly or that you are trying to get over guilt… you just want everything to be nice… and pleasant… but to be honest, I’d keep the contact minimal and friendly and civil nothing more, nothing less.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2012): His mom started dating over a year before we were divorced, and has had a bf ever since. So she technically "moved on" before I did. She hasn't shared any of that with our son, and has in fact lied to him numerous times, saying she was going to her Mom's, when I know for absolute fact she was staying with the bf.
I guess I'm somehow to blame for that too, though. The false assumptions here are rampant. I thank you all for the feedback tho.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (18 July 2012):
 Hi
You said yourself you had a 'kinda rough divorce' and 'things are a bit raw' - that should give you your answer.You only divorced 18 months ago and have met,dated and married somebody else in that time, your son and ex need time to adjust.You may share custody of your son but his emotions and loyalties will be all over the place too.His parents split up and now Dads loved up and re-married, his mum is alone.He has to see you both, stuck in the middle.
Nobody writes off years of their life just like that,regardless of how or why the marriage ended,the fact you moved on so fast is like a slap round the face for your Ex. Some people take longer to recover remember.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2012): Ive read the OPs update ( perhaps the OP should indicate that hes the OP in any further follow ups. Thank you)OP no use getting upset flustered with any of the Aunts here: we just responded to what we read and what you may have alluded to. I think we struck a cord didnt we? Look OP: -You have a teenage son: how did he react to your divorce and your quick marriage thereafter?-You said you co parent: so is it every week, or alternative days? Im just curious-how has your son reacted to your new wife? Does he love her to bits? Getting used to her and her ways? Does he loathe her? Resent her? What Exactly is his feeling OR dont you know, especially since you have been so involved in your new love and wedding preparations. -one year of not bothing to have a decent conversation with your ex wife? Come on OP, you sound like a drama queen with a whole year of wedding prep? In this day and age?-admit it (if only to yourself). For the last year and a half you couldnt really be bothered about your ex, whether she was dead or alive, whether she needed some sort of assistance, whether she was broken emotionally. In fact you had no time for her whatsoever! And this was proven by your cold calculating actions.- you briefly saw your wife (ex) for a few SECONDS. There is 60 seconds in a minute. Did not not bother to spare her ANY time at all. Why? Because you were in love and you were walking a better path with your lover/new fiance turned wife.From not even being decent to her after the divorce, not taking a few minutes out of your happy state of affairs, you now want to send her an email. What exactly will it say? That you didnt really be a bastard to her while you were playing happy life with your new found love? That you wish you gave her a few precious moments of your time after the divorce. That Although initially the divorce was supposed to be amicable it soon turned nasty, bitter and left her raw inside? That you really changed as a person and that during the time you turned against her? OP i am SO glad you have now found your soul mate and in Love and walking a great great path in life. Its awesome to feel like you need to jump on couches to proclaim this great feeling of total love and Dedication (remember tom cruise on oprah a few years ago) but deep down your conscious has been pricked. Deep down in your very core you know that you have ignored your ex. You barely acknowledged her existence. You did not bother to see whether she was coping. You just rebuilt your new life and you did not even spare her a second.Now that you have achieved your new better dreams of happily ever after, you want to reach out to her in the guise that you were too busy with your new life and didnt mean to ignore her. Come on! Who are you trying to hoodwink. Ive said before that your dreams are NOT random. Your dreams are projecting your wrongdoing. Your dreams and thoughts are now making you accountable for the way you treated her. Your actions have been projected in your dreams and thoughts. That little thing called A Conscious has been rearing its ugly head and has made you uncomfortable. It has made you admit that you could have done things differently. It has revealed to you that you dishonoured your ex and you do not like this prick of conscious. The good news is that you are human. You really F ed up, big time and Now a year later you realise this. Will ano email make you less of a a**. I highly doubt it. An email is gutless and hypocritical. If you really want to show your ex wife that you are still that good decent man she knew and married all those years ago, then its your actions that will speak volumes. You need to find yourself first. OP, really a whole year to prepare for your second wedding?? What was it, a socialite event? Wedding planners? Overseas honeymoon? Was your SON invited to your wedding? (Im just nosey). Seriously a whole year ? Thats longer than you knew your new wife right? Is this the new wifes 1st marriage? Any kids on her side? How do you plan on making this blended family work? Remember in your star filled love eyes, Reality beckons. Had you first argument after the lavish wedding and honeymoon yet? Irritated by some of the new wifes mannerism? Dont like All of her cooking? Domestic chores issues? God forbid any financial issues! Im trying to establish your state of euphuria. Perhaps ive have taken phoetic license, expanding into other aspects in your life OP but hey such is life. (Whats the worse you can do? Erase my comment?) But ive given you food for thought, havnt I. Im guessing i have also ticked you off as well but such is life again. What is the Way forward? You tell us. Im sure you have quickly discarded that email suggestion. One thing you cannot escape from are your dreams and your thoughts. That is. The window of your world. Your every thought of your now ex wife makes you actually want to ask for "forgiveness".( Boy, i hope this is Not too deep for you.) Yes Forgiveness!!! Just think about it. You want her to forgive you for ignoring her existance. You need to do much soul searching OP . Hey and good luck with the new marriage. Hopefully you wont make the same mistakes again.( Really, 12 months of wedding prep? A MAN ignoring everything else and totally focused on his upcoming wedding nuptials. OP i think you are The Only Man who has done this. Its usually the women who go gaga over wedding preps and so forth....)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2012): You moved on very quickly after a long standing marriage. I take it that your ex wife hasnt. I firmly believe that YOU need to move on. Yes you are recently married and you are having great lust, excitement and so forth with a new partner but deep down YOU know that your ex wife is hurting. So just let it be. Dont try to befriend her or try to ease her "pain". I think she has enough on her plate already and although this is Not your intention , it will be like rubbing salt into her wounds. Yes you will always be connected to her via your son but right now and in the future that is your only connection. Why the continuous dreams though? Do you have something you need to atone for? Perhaps you want to right some of the pasts wrongs? You spent approx a year planning your new wedding etc so you were only divorced 6 months before meeting your new wife? Im glad that you and your new wife are able to communicate but perhaps dont let too many of her old boyfriends be a factor in your marriage. Yes your new wife can be friends with previous lovers but for you, your season with your wife ended when you got remarried. The kindest thing you can do right now is to let your ex wife be. Perhaps one day but Not anytime soon. Your divorce is still too fresh and too raw in her life. She may feel that because you moved on so soon that maybe you were cheating on her (im sure you werent, Right?) or that your lives together didnt mean much for you to have remarried so soon after such a long marriage. Your need for contact with your ex may be fueled/driven by guilt. Perhaps you dont want her to hate you? Perhaps you want to feel better about yourself? And not feel like a man who threw away his family for an upgrade? OP your dreams and thoughts of your ex wife are NOT random ones. Something went amiss and deep down you know the true state of the marriage, breakup of the marriage, you meeting your new wife and subsequent QUICK "shotgun" marriage. We women are funny complicated ones. And i think your wife may just be in a complicated phase right now. OP you are still in the honeymoon phase of a new marriage. What are you going to do when bordom sets in, life issues occur, monotany is rife? Throw away wife nr 2 and quickly move on again. Im sorry if i am not sympathetic to your plight but deep down you are grappling with some sort of guilty conscious. LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, demeplev +, writes (16 July 2012):
 I was not trying to be disrespectful, I too am from a divorced situation and I understand people change..but there was a divorce and abandonment to the marriage whether just on your part or hers there was a family dissolve, children are always the ones that suffer the repercussions regardless of how mutual and wonderful you two divorced parents are, the fact is is your childrens' FAMILY is gone. No values, no morals no family values and accepatance that life and people and things arent perfect but love is alw\ways, thats what the old family unit did for people now we can argue the good and bad of staying in an unloving marriage, but in regards to your post, there isnt any reason to try to be more than civil with an ex wife, you have chosen a new life that meant cutting off the old, let it lie the way it is. Maybe in time if its meant to be friendlier it will naturally occur. you mention raw feelings thus telling me that maybe how you view the fallout is not how she shes it. bottom ine I stick with what I say that it is guilt on your part, I commend you for having feelings and empathy and for the guilt as my ex has none but I honestly mean it, be great to wife and kids civil to your ex and forget the hi's and how are you's ..it is fruitless. I wish you all the best, ps you ask my opinion I give it to you honestly...peace and love
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 July 2012):
 Maybe 1-2 times a year I e-mail/ get an e-mail from my ex (whom I broke up with 20 years ago). We parted on good terms.
I think it depends on WHY you want to do it.
I honestly think there is no real reason to start talking to her, unless it's about your child. If it was a rough divorce I think being civil and polite to each other is needed (specially with a shared child) but there is no need to remissness or become best buds.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2012): I appreciate the responses here, but you need to understand, especially Demeplev, that we parted for mutual problems in the marriage. I didnt walk out on her or dump her for another woman. I didnt leave because i wasnt wowed anymore. We worked on keeping the marriage together but we had changed to the point it wasnt going to work. And contrary to your single sided opinion, she is not raising my child. We have shqred custody and coparent. Your assumptions are incorrect.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (16 July 2012):
Hi
Honestly? Let it be. You might be very happy and re-married, your new wife may be very understanding and those 2 reasons are enough to NOT get in contact in a friendly way.
YOur Ex doesn't need to know how happy you are now or that your thinking of her. She has your son to raise and things may STILL be very raw for her,think of her NOT you.She wasn't a short term girlfriend, she was your wife and mother of your child
Let her decide if or when any level of friendship may happen between you. She's being civil to you, so for now, leave it at that.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 July 2012):
I just posted Happy Birthday to my ex-husband’s wife this morning..
and back in February I told my ex husband happy birthday... but that's it...
personally I think she’s an ex and you should let it be.
You can wish her a happy birthday when you next see her to get your child.
other than that I think being friendly and civil is enough...
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A
female
reader, demeplev +, writes (16 July 2012):
WHy would you both contacting someone you broke a family up with? Do you feel guilty? Look I know relationships are complicated but most of you men seem to just think you can have a family things dont work out then bam you move on a new wife new life leaving behind the family YOU created and she is the one taking care of YOUR children...ugh..Your punishment is guilt, No dont contact her! let her move on and find someone wonderful who would never dream of leaving a family no matter how tough the problems are. Commitment and marriage is a commitment to WORK it out in the name of love. You saying "hi" now is pouring alcohol on an open wound. How cruel can you be?Move on you obviously already did. Sorry but its true, your fueled by guilt which at least you have a conscience which is great. I do understand that some things cant be fixed and relationships are complicated I come from the school of thought that a marriage and especially when there are children invovled you should stick it out work it out work on bringing back the "love" and the "spark" and forget leaving and finding a new thing...anyway cant undo what youve done just move forward wash your hands of it splash water on your face when you get the urge to contact your ex and this time try to do the right thing with your new wife and life and eventually your conscience will feel a bit better. Good luck. peace and love
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