A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:After two long-term relationship failed, im beginning to wonder am I at all the cause. Im lesbian for starters, and I connect really well with females. Obviously somewhere I lost connection. My first relationship was 3 years... it ended bc my ex told me she wanted to be with me but not long term...so I left her, I was much younger back then and I thought her being older wanted stability guess I was supposed to be just fun. Met the next female and immediately connected it felt like we were soulmates, for years I was deep in love with her. I was very self less and at every beat thought of my partner. We never argued only had minor disagreements. I had planned to marry her and us begin our future together. She became distant and cold for an unknown reason and would even go days without talking to me, leaving me crying in tears with hurt. This didn't happen often but it did happen maybe once ever other month or so. One day she refused to call and answer my calls and I eventually became somewhat ill with stress and anxiety. The pain drained me and it was affecting my health bc I was having chest pains. After that episode I thought that was enough. I love hard and give a lot and am always there to comfort and protect and encourage my partner. Yes I was a bit jealous but it was controlled. I don't want to keep going through these cycles. Why do I fail at relationships after investing years. The first three years, the second five years. My entire twenties were devoted to two women who obviously wasted my time and my years. Why am I failing? Why am I choosing or attracting women who don't want a future with me?
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jealous, lesbian, my ex, soulmate Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (31 January 2015):
 IT doesn't matter if you are bi, gay, straight or anything else in-between, there are so many reasons why relationships fail and you may well go through several in your lifetime and never really know why they didn't work out. Sometimes people are just not compatible and it probably is not entirely your doing that anything failed, you just have to meet the right person who is on the same page as you and who loves you unconditionally and as passionately as you love them. I was in a 3.5 yr relationship, a 4 year relationship and an 8 month thing with an idiot before I met my now husband and we've now been together for about 9 years. I didn't know if I would ever have that, but it found me and I am willing to be that if you stay strong and positive, and don't worry about it too much, the right lady will find you!
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (30 January 2015):
A wise lady once told me that if you want a long lasting relationship there are some lovely qualities to have, but the most important quality is "forgiveness". We are only human and we all make mistakes. There is no such thing as the perfect relationship but there is the perfect person "for you". Through life we all change and we do make mistakes. I am sure at some point a partner has done some really stupid and low things and it takes a strong heart to dish out that forgiveness for your partner as well as yourself. This is not the same as letting someone walk over you if they are cheating on you or treating you bad. You should always stick to your standards in a relationship.
My advice would be to get back out there on the dating as you did say you connect with women really well so I don't see any issues in finding someone new.
I would recommend to avoid long distance relationships because they require more work and need adjustments for them to work over time. You can not simply be self-less and expect it to work out. Celebrating 2 events over a span of five years is something to take away and adjust to, perhaps noting that there should be much more visitation than this after the first year. Which is why I recommend something more local as you may not be someone who is ready for long distance relationship or people with personality disorders.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2015): Op here: And also I'm not an out lesbian nor or any of my ex gf. I guess we were openingly together but our romantic relationship was not told to anyone. And when talking about marriage and living together it's scary for those who don't want others finding out. N we were going to move in together this year a few months from now. I can't understand why suddenly she began pushing me away. Granted her car did go out of motor. But I would have paid half way with her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2015): Op here: Protecting them means being by their side when others have turned away. I did not suffocate them in fact we were in long distance relationship. But I wanted to be everything in terms of friend and lover. Not the only one in their life. I wanted to protect them or be their safety net in case something happens we have each other like her mom died n she needed money or when she needed a tire for her car. I trust her but it was the pushing me away never receiving a gift or celebrating holidays. In five years we have only celebrated new years of this year together and her birthday last year. My jealous was normal as anyone else. And I say that to mean my jealousy does not want to control her or her life. I just wanted to be apart of it. My first relationship she suffered real bad depression and bi polar according to her and a lot of times she was depressed for no reason n would run away. I stayed by her side because I thought she really wanted to be with me as in married. She was bisexual and did not want the same. After me she had a baby by a guy. I guess she wanted to live the straight life I don't know. A nd to be honest my 5 yr relationship gf was controlling and jealous. But I thought it was out of love n it never bothered me that she wanted me to go nowhere if it wasn't with her. Like I stated earlier, I wonder if all relationship regardless of the current success eventually fails if time allows. Youwish, no you do not have to read between the lines. I only wanted to be there for her. I felt anxiety bc how she began to treat me. My first girlfriend said we could have worked though I doubt it bc she would abandon me for weeks at a time with no calls no shows. The second female had an appetite for other females attention, she emotionally cheated on me once. But if I do have an issue please point it out. So that going forward I may know. Or if all relationships eventually goes south?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 January 2015):
 A question like yours is one that needs to be answered by reading between the lines. I just had to read through this once to see the issue, which is one of those "issues in disguise" because it camouflages as "noble" or "what you're supposed to be doing", but it easily chokes out the long term.
You're not choosing or attracting women who don't want a future. You're smothering them over time. 3 years isn't a "just fun" thing with your first girlfriend. What she was saying was that she needed breathing room. Your second girlfriend said the same thing to you, only not in words. Her distance said it to you only in a more dysfunctional way.
You can't be everything to someone else. You mentioned that you were jealous, but it was "controlled". You mentioned your second girlfriend's behavior making you physically ill. That tells me that your insecurity came out as controlling and smothery. A relationship has to breathe. A relationship is corroded and corrupted when jealousy and insecurity are indulged. You will try to pass it off as "loving hard" or "protecting", which are code words for off the rails. What do your girlfriends need protecting from? Themselves? You? The world? Your seeming fear for their safety is really fear for something or someone that can take her away. You are in effect putting those you love in your emotional cage, built by your anxiety, your insecurity, and your jealousy.
You need to find the root of that anxiety and insecurity and deal with it, or it will short circuit all of your relationships. It isn't the women you're choosing. It's you.
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