A
male
age
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anonymous
writes:I am currently 57 years old.When I was in my early 20's I met a young woman. We spent time together and had relations, even though she had a man living in the same apartment with her at the time. After a short period of time (weeks) that man did move out. After about 2 monthes she came to me and said she was pregnant. I was like, OK, and we continued with our relationship, I was now living with her. The baby was born and I took the role of daddy and loved this little girl, took care of her, etc. One day I overheard the babies mom on the phone telling someone that she wanted this baby to have a father for the first two years of her life. I did not confront her with that. Shortly after the baby girls 2nd birthday, I came home from work and the house was empty save for a bed and TV. No note no reason, etc. At the same time I lost my job! I tried to stay on in the area, her mom acted like she did not want me around. I ended up moving back to my hometown, which is 2000 miles away. Phone calls were not welcome, gifts were not acknowledged, I eventually just moved on. Now, 30 years later, this little girl finds me on facebook, shows up on my doorstep for a visit with her 2 kids and I am flabbergasted. I entertain them for a week, but, I cannot get off my mind how much she looks like the man that her mom had living with her when I met her. To shorten the story a bit, I had a DNA test done and it came back that there was no way I could be her father. Her mother says she does not believe in DNA tests and will not admit that I may not be her father. She has in her mind for all these years that I am her father. It has been 2 years or so since the DNA test and she cannot let it go. Is still telling me that she loves me and will not ever pursue who her real dad is. I wrote her back saying that we only know each other as acquaintenances and that we don't really even know each other and that she should let it go and move on. Now I kinda feel like a schmuck, but, it is the truth. I am merely looking for other peoples thoughts on this issue.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): You aren't being a schmuck, you are being reasonable and respectful... however, it isn't what she wants. Her mother drummed this into her head... now her entire reality is turned upside down and her mother and her have to sit down and get real with one another. This is their journey, not yours.
At best, you are the mother's ex boyfriend. No reason to be brought into the drama the woman created for her and her daughter. No reason whatsoever... so I believe that the best thing for you might be to just bow out... and encourage her to deal with this issue with her mother.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): I don't know where you are, but I would be careful about potential legal issues here.
In some jurisdictions a man who takes part in raising a child as the child's "father" whether he's the biological father or not has legally become the father of the child. Now, I can't tell for sure from your post whether you knew it wasn't your child but "took on" the role, or if you believed she was your child. Also, the legal issues are mainly when you're talking about minor children, who should get custody, etc.
But my point is this: You may be considered by the law to be her father, depending on your jurisdiction, which could make her you legal kin (an heiress to your estate if you die, etc.). With those sorts of issues in your mind, I would say embrace her, be a father to her. She's old enough that you're not going to have to take her to dance classes or whatever, she just wants to know there's someone she can call dad.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): You knew this little girl for two years a very long time ago. It is understandable that you feel no bond with her now. The girl, know grown up, has an emotional bond based on what can be only small memories - as she was so young when removed. If you like the girl then have a relationship with her regardless of whether you are her father. Otherwise, don't. But perhaps having a friendship with her will not hurt, if she feels affection for you then maybe it could add to your life.
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female
reader, No watered down advice here! +, writes (28 December 2010):
 That little girl is no longer a little girl. She's a grown woman. And you know she's not your "daughter" if you choose to have her in your life as your step-daughter then take on that but with those memories of him popping up in your head every time you see her, I would let it go. And what does the mom mean she don't believe in DNA? SMH. She believes in abandonment! She had the chance to have you as that girl’s father and BLEW it. I just couldn't allow them to come marching in my life without MY permission on my terms.
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A
male
reader, steph007  +, writes (28 December 2010):
This girl does not want anything from you, only that she could call you as "Daddy". I think it is a nice thing, even if she is not blood related with you, and you refuse to make any contact to her mother, who behaved so nastily with you. Now you are 57. I would not refuse the attendance and visit this young girl, who approaches you with love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): Not schmuck, just being human. 30 years is a long time, and as much as people will try to put a slant on this for you to consider, ponder on, the fact remains I guess, this woman who presented herself at your door, has believed you were her father. And from her point of view, this is what she feels.
You say you had DNA tests, and that you cannot be the Father, so did you ask your 'daughter' just for the sake of this posting to agree to swabs being taken etc ( saliva) for the tests? I am by no means an expert on DNA testing although I do know you need the two people concerned where doubt is in question. Now that aside, I can appreciate how you must feel after 30 years of this young woman turning up, you are 57 have your own life, and had put this behind you, but may be this young woman hasn't been able to separate her feelings from what may be facts.
I strongly believe that just being a biological father is not the whole story, there are many biological fathers who have nothing to do with their children, then along comes a man who pairs up with the Mother, and he becomes more of a father than ever the biological one. A mother or Father is the one, who cares for you, who's there for the ups and downs, the nightmares, the school concerts etc..You did not get to do this, but this woman was obviously brought up to believe you were her father, and in her heart I guess you are.
This is a dilemma between fact and feeling - and all I would say is, if she stayed in contact with you, and you got to know each other over time, would this be painful for you, would it be something you could contemplate. Or is it what her mother did all those years ago preventing you from allowing this woman her belief, as at her age and yours, there is no question of any maintenance, any real demands apart from her need by the sounds of it, to know you.
It's very difficult, as I can see both sides, but it's you who has to make the decision as to what to do, and whether you can open up to her, or whether you feel that'fact' must prevail, and close the door on this one.
I wish you luck with this one, as it's fraught with strong emotions on both sides.
Jilly
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