A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Any tips on coping with feelings of hurt/anger/regret?Husband and I are divorcing-next month we can finally submit paperwork.He feels I'm trying to take every penny I can, I feel he's trying to keep every penny he can.We have a 2 year old. All I asked was for him to send just a little extra above the legal requirement for child support, I was willing to not get alimony.We just had a HUGE argument. He basically told me "I don't appreciate anything you did for me, I don't believe anything you did helped me get to where I am now" (He currently holds a very high paying job) and "It was your choice to give you your career to marry me." Then he said "F and ^% you" and hung up on meHe's blaming me for our son's seizure and doesn't want to help pay the copay for his ER visit-and has said that if I take him to court over that he will never send me any extra money ever.I'm hurt/angry/feeling extreme regret. I regret marrying him, I regret having a child with him. I'm hurt and angry that I wasted so much time trying to make our marriage work only to have him spit in my face.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2013): I am divorced and it's hard being single again. I'm sorry that you went through a difficult time with your son. He should have treated you better. Always take time for yourself and remember that you are not alone it happens to a lot of people. Take it one day at a time.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (31 July 2013):
 Getting divorced is an extremely emotional time for everyone involved -- especially when money and children are involved.
Let's look at it from his side: he has become successful (monetarily) and he sees you leaving him as a threat on that. For many men, how much they make is a marker of how "big" of a man they are. Often times it is how we rank one another. With you splitting up, he sees it as a threat to his economic well being, being that you are now demanding a significant chunk of it. Not only that, but he is losing immediate access to his child(ren) (and potentially inviting another man into raising his children -- assuming you find someone new).
He is also suffering from bitterness having worked hard to support you and the family and watching you walk away from everything he had to offer. One fallacy for most men is that they think being a good provider is the same as being a good husband / father and from the sounds of it, he has fallen victim to that.
Also you both are at fault in this divorce. No one is perfect and he probably feels that he is all to blame. Whatever your reasons for leaving, give him at least some credit and I think it will help prevent meltdowns like the one you just had.
Half the battle of talking with someone is understanding their position. While I am not taking sides here, hopefully I've shown at least a little of what it *might* be like from his perspective.
I think you need to be extra good to yourself and try not to involve yourself is sparring jams with him. It will only cause you turmoil -- as well as him. That is why you are (hopefully) paying the bucks to the lawyer for. Let the lawyers do the wrangling for you and focus on being a good parent to your son and establishing your new life.
When the goings get tough and things get heated, have the courage to say "We can talk about this later when we are BOTH a little more calm" and try not to get in the last word and have the courage to leave unresolved problems unresolved. Also when you say "both" it implies you need to relax too...
Finally, hold on tight. The next few months are going to be emotionally draining. Be sure you take extra time to treat yourself well. Urge your lawyer to get you the support you deserve and need -- and not a penny more.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): Don't be stupid, file for alimony. He has the upper hand and is verbally abusing you, not willing to pay for the child and manipulating you. Legally he has to pay for his child. You take care of yourself by getting alimony. Nice guy doesn't win in situations like this.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 July 2013):
 I would stop all contact (just go through lawyers) except if there is an emergency with the child. Don't negotiate with him what HE think you should have or what YOU think you should have. Let a lawyer do that part.
I think what you are feeling are natural, though regretting a marriage and a child is not really beneficial to anyone. Certainly not the child and certainly not you.
Remember this, you DID NOT waste time trying to make it work, in that sense you shouldn't have regrets there, you TRIED your best to make it work. As far as all his "you didn't help me blah blah blah" He is most likely hurting too and lashing out where he think it will hurt YOU the most.
Don't look at the divorce as a failure, but as a beginning to hopefully something better.
Start making plans, finding a place to stay, a job and so forth.
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