A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:As a divorced dad - now with a new lady partner (NB: I live alone) - seeing my children home (they are 50 miles away) - and saying goodbye to my partner hurts me so much I do not know what to do for the best.I feel that I am living a real bereavement week-in, week-out. It's on-off, on-off all the time. It has been like this for over fours years and while I have 'mellowed' over the years, it hurts me so bad my partner is starting to resent being with me when I am like this (quiet, upset, etc.). I love her dearly. I love my children so much. I miss them all. To make matters worse, I am in financial difficulties as a result of my divorce and constantly trying to keep financially afloat.My work is stable, however I want - and need to - move on. My new lady is scared of setting up a new home together because of her experiences from her own past.I feel I am trapped, misunderstood and unloved and do not feel the support I need is there for me generally. I often feel rejected and as if I should simply be able to 'snap out of it'.Few days go by without the thought of "the only way to deal with this is to remove what upsets me from my life: i.e. do not see my children nor my partner at all". I cannot do this, since I care passionately about them all and always always think of how my behaviour, decisions and experiences would affect those close to me, especially my children.At times, it's all too overwhelming.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2010): Many thanks for your reply. You are probably correct. I have tried various medications in the past, many with little effect (apart from severe side-effects, which caused me even greater problems, especially at work [my work involves a great deal of technical concentration]). My employer is good in some respects, but like many ordinary people, would expect results in a given [short] time-frame. I know this from my experiences with them when I suffered an injury at work because of my work some time ago and they pulled me up for being signed off work to recover!Counselling was something I did have too recently, but unfortunately I didn't feel it helped because the things I know I want to change are currently out of reach. I am not shunning counselling. It may help, nevertheless being in a financial quandary too also means the best counselling is out of reach (or I have to wait months and months and months to see someone and the sessions are limited, hence I feel pressurised to "sort things out within a short timescale").I want to lead a very simple life; have a simple rewarding job, people near me who make me feel worthy, and see my partner and my children more.I also find helping others is of great benefit. Maybe I should do a lot more of that, but I know I need to be made to feel included too? I am not a selfish person; far from it.One thing I suspect is very real is the fact that many, many people (many of them men) suffer severely like I have in silence and their feeling of low self-worth comes out in different ways. Probably because some men find it hard to talk about their feelings (not me), feel guilty feeling the way they do (I do) and pressured to 'sort themselves out'. I feel battle-scarred/traumatised; worn out.I know one thing that would really help me is to simply have a significant time off work - and/or change job entirely. Not to be reclusive, simply to chill out and relax a bit; something I find very difficult to do.I will see my doctor again - and make sure I see the one I know can help - and see what options are available. Taking medication is something I do not like to do because I am very sensitive to lots of things(!) and I do not want to go down the road of making myself feel worse in other ways (I suffered this experience several times before when taking anti-anxiety medication).I always say to myself that I can cope and life is not hard (it's people's behaviour or expectations upon us that make things difficult). Nevertheless, we all have our limits and sometimes I feel I simply have far too much to deal with at one time, many of which are either entirely or mostly out of my control.Thank you for your reply. It is appreciated (especially following the awful night's sleep I have just had).I welcome the thoughts others have.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2010): This may sound like a canned answer, but it's not. I've been where it sounds like you are and that's why I highly suggest counseling. I'm not a doctor of any sort so this isn't medical advice. It sounds like you may be suffering from depression onset by the divorce. Anti-depressants may be an option and, when combined with cognitive therapy, can help you enjoy life again. Often those of us suffering from depression are told to "snap out of it," because those people don't understand that we can't. Please seek help.
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