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*urtingbuck
writes: Hi, Lisa and I have been divorced for one year(total 1yr6mo with seperation). Lisa is 35 yrs old. We were married 12 years. She recently got breast implants and since then her attitude has changed. But still I love her. This has nothing to do with her new look, actually she was sexier when she was natural. I have done everything I could to get my ex wife to reconcille. I mean everything. I totaly worked on my self. I avoided drinking and other unhealthy things that fill voids. My ex refuses to even talk reconciliation yet she calls me everyday and we talk for hours. She sometimes hints at what she is doing or whom she is seeing. She talks about her day and her life but when I start talking about my life or the kids(we have a girl 9 and a boy 6) she just dismisses me and goes back to her. She has never told me that she does not love me but does say its not the same and she is done. She has been in one relationship that I know of and that started while we were seperated. She has dated alot and has brought men home to watch TV or have dinner with my children home(she tells them that they are her freinds) She goes out and drinks alot especially at the start of the seperation. All she talks about is how she goes out and gets F*#@d up. She always mentions that she met a guy and has to specify that he is good looking. Recently she started working out and she has the hots for her trainer(he is much younger) she always mentions his name in our conversations no matter what we talk about. She just told me that she is seeing someone but what confuses me is that if I dont call her she calls me. When I go to her house for anything she will hardly talk to me. seldom does she look at me, but on the phone she talks with no problem. I do love her and she knows it. I have tried all I can to prove to her that I made mistakes and that I am sorry for them. She does not trust me. I tell her I love her I write her poems and send her nice gifts. Tell me please what should I do to move on. Why does she play these games? She said we will never re unite. Some how I dont believe her. I know she is hurt but what can I do to fix this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2006): In the same boat. Divorced 10 months 2 kids ages 11(boy) and 7(girl). She has moved on and I am still hoping. Don't do it, it drains you and affects other relationships. Currently seeing someone, but hard to totally commit when you are still thinking there is hope for the Ex. I am sure your Ex never did anything wrong. Never stayed out late, didn't come home etc. If you did cheat on her, you did hurt her. I cheated (emotionally) and did not realize the hurt and pain I caused. I have had a hard time moving on but you will drive yourself crazy thinking you will get back with her. I know for a fact. I am currently seeing a therapist and taking medication and it is still tough. Good luck it will all work out in the end.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2006): I forgot to add another important pointer to my posting that I felt needed to be said. I have always strongly felt that this notion of being a friend of one’s former spouse denies all the pain and difficulties of the relationship and does not close the door, properly. Keeping this going is not allowing you to heal. Being in the "I love you as a friend" mode is something we did in high school and in this case, prevents all and any emotional closure, especially for you. So let’s all be real grownups here and and fully realize things do come to an end....even marriages.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2006): Hun, your heart still has an allegiance to your ex wife and I am sorry because a lot of caring people like yourself, are not built to easily jump relationships. A lot of us are this way. But..you are 'divorced'! This is pretty final, don't you think? Your ex-wife has gone forward while you are stuck in 'limboland'. What a painful place to be. I have to be honest...emotionally, you sound tremendously lonely. And by having these notions of reconciling with Lisa which is causing you to be isolate yourself, even more. Are you doing anything to help yourself become unattached to her...are you getting out and interacting with a wide variety of people? If not, you should be because it sounds like Lisa has moved on., in every which way.
I don't think you have allowed yourself to fully recover and made peace with what has happened and it's keeping you stuck. My suggestion: As much as it hurts, less contact with Lisa (unless you have to discuss the children) will help you to heal. You still have committments to your children, so it's important that you and Lisa are in minimal contact, for their sake. All contact should be respectful, but keeping up this deep, loving 'friendship' with her is keeping you hopeful. You need to stop.You cannot go back and change what's happened with Lisa. She likes you but she does not love you or she'd be by your side. Time and space is needed and sometimes counseling is a good thing to consider. You need to regain your sense of emotional independence by becoming strong, building your self-esteem and keeping an open mind to someday, approaching new relationships. But first, face the loss and then move ahead with your life, dear. Good luck
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reader, galymyde +, writes (18 September 2006):
I'd say that the answer to this may depend on the 'mistakes' you made in the past. If it involved cheating on her, this has probably made your ex question why you'd want to be with someone else. So she had implants, goes out chasing guys it all seems to me that shes trying to prove to herself and you that she still is an attractive woman. She probably won't talk to your face because it reminds her of whatever you did. As for getting her back, I can't really advise on that. I think that she likes the fact your there for her when she needs you. The fact that she still talks to you means there is always hope there, and I hope for your kids sake you can figure something out.
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