A
female
age
41-50,
*achy2575
writes:Discovered Partner's Secret: Please help! Hello and thank you in advance for any insight that you may have for me: I have been with my spouse for seven years. I have always enjoyed a fantastic and exciting sex life with prior partners (never tried BDSM) although. However, my current spouse unfortunately has ED in the form of pre-ejaculation, so our sex life was never great. He always just kind of layed there and I had to do everything, very rarely initiated, and was fine with not having sex. When we did 80% of the time he would come so easily and feel ashamed. We did visit doctors and it was not a physical problem but psychological. I still loved him anyway and accepted this. I also want to add that he is SUCH a quiet and reserved type of guy. A few months ago, I was shoched when I looked on his computer and found that he is regularly looking at BDSM pornography (searching for hogtieing, gagged). Also regularly visiting the sight called Milfhumiliation, where the pictures against woman are very aggressive (which perhaps would be considered a different level of BDSM?) This is not the man I know. Also, I saw that he had made a secret email and in it was a site that contained personal adds for this. When I confronted him he denied it and then a later admitted that he looked at it 'just a few times.' He also said he was not looking at the personals but the forums. I honestly do not believe him and am wondering if you would have any insights? Another thing that I noticed is that when he has been angry with me or more detached, he seems to function better. Any thoughts? Could he be secretly engaging in this with others? Could he have ED in the form of pre-ejaculation with me, but all of a sudden have control if engaging in this bdsm? In bed it seems he wants me to take control, then why is he looking at pictures of woman being controlled and humiliated? Thank you!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): It seems to me the problems aren't communication, bdsm sites or whatever. It seems he feels bad. Sometime males' brain work in a weird way, still if you're in love with him you've to stay near him and try to understand. Someone has suggested he has mental problem because of violence: wrong. Unless he tries to beat you, I'll consider it wrong. He's in a some way uncomfortable. So he hasn't a reasonable sexual life as he comes suddenly. It seems he feels guilty for something (maybe he doesn't believe to love you so much, maybe he has fantasies about other women or men or whatever). So he looks for strong shocking pictures or stories, something so strong to annihilate other bad (he believes) thoughts. I repeat: you have to try to understand what he wants (and maybe what he's so shy to admit to himself as well). Try to change your behaviour: if you're rude in your approaches try to be more sensual. Or vice versa. Bdsm and violence are fake problems, trust me. More of the time the penis is the only barefaced meter of truth for us males. That's why he needs you discover what he really wants. Bye.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (9 January 2011):
 It sort of sounds like you have some communication issues when it comes to sex. He's probably into or at least curious about repeating the actions he sees on those sites.
He can probably maintain his pre-ejaculation with porn and feels more comfortable with it. There are medicines that can help delay this condition (with you), perhaps he needs to visit his urologist again.
It's hard to tell from your post whether he is engaging in this behavior with others. Probably not is my guess, but only you can tell for sure.
I think you guys are due for a frank conversation with one another.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011): I sense a BIG lack of communication in the bedroom here and as a result, youre finding these things out. It's okay tho as I think this problem can be helped. First, I think he has some fantasies... find out what they are and perhaps compromise. Also, ask him if he is satisfied and if not how can your sex life be better. If needed, talk to a sex therapist. Having a partner with said condition could be aided greatly by some therapy perhaps. Good luck miss. My best wishes on this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous39  +, writes (9 January 2011):
I think you need to get him to open up to you about what really turns him on.
The images you saw do not mean that he wants to do those things to you, however I think it is critical in a marriage to be honest and forthcoming with each other.
What he's interested in may not seem to you highly intimate, but it could be to him. It could reprsent complete trust and vulnerability. On the other hand it could not, that is for you to find out.
I hope you can get him to a place where he feels comfortable to be honest...this could lead to a place where you can share your deep, dark fantasies too.
Good luck
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