A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:For some reason, my boyfriend has always differed in only one sense regarding having a Christian relationship . . . sex. He is more liberated, claims it is beautiful between two people who love each other, yet believes marriage is not necessary. I on the other hand, believe that marriage was instituted by God for the very benefit of being able to be as liberated as a couple wants to be to each other, without barriers in sex, for that reason. The idea of being able to, excuse the bluntness, get as freaky as we want in the bedroom with Gods blessing is such a turn on in and of itself. My boyfriend seems to believe that is possible without marriage. I could not figure it out until I discovered something recently. Understand, he is the man of my most wildest fantasies and even the calm ones . . . all of them. I was sharing one of those fantasies with him in an e-mail and his response was to check out the video he sent me. (I was hoping it was him). HE SENT ME A XXX PORNOGRAPHIC VIDEO WITH A SPECIFIC ACT GOING ON, WITH TONS OF WOMEN REVEALED, ETC. Am I correct in assuming that the reason he is able to go so long without seeing me, go without intimacy, not want a committed relationship for one purpose being sex, and him sharing his focus with other fantasies due to pornography. This really shook me up tremendously and I do not know these answers, I do not know what to do about the shaking and hurt I feel, what to say to him, or how to view this!!!!! Please help. I am hurting for some reason and I don't know why.
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female
reader, scythe  +, writes (2 February 2008):
 Hey there honey :)
I'm glad to know that there is someone else out there who believes in and upholds these values. Please don't let him waver your belief in sex *after* marraige. I fully support you. He is entitled to believe what he feels, but so are you.
You're hurting because he is not repecting your values and is making you feel like you're wrong when really you are the one who is doing what is right.
I'm really not sure what to do in your situation. Try sitting down an discussing your differing perspectives with him. I'm assuming that you view sex as a gift from god, designed to unite and bond a married couple (not to mention, designed to procreate, but this is another dimension. You've probably already argued over this.. but alteast try and get him to understand your point of view, and vice versa. Ultimately *you* decide when and if to have sex.
Hope it works out
Take care
xox
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (2 February 2008):
 We are all different and we have our own thoughts and philosophies. We may not be able to accept another's opinions or perspectives. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. We can only agree or disagree with them.
Whether who is right or wrong, time will tell.
Do we love or hate a person because of his thoughts? God told us to love and accept a person for who he is .He may not share the same ideals with us.
If a person thinks he is right, just leave him be because God will teach those who thinks they are smart . Their puny intelligence cannot be compared to HIM .
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A
male
reader, Dr. John +, writes (2 February 2008):
 As long as we are speaking on religious terms, you are right to feel the way you do if you prefer to follow scriptural council. Acts Chapter 15 verse 20 is one location as well as verse 29 of the same chapter where we are admonished to avoid fornication just to name two.
The other thing that causes some concern aside from the scriptures is the problem of porn.
Porn can be and often is very detrimental to relationships as well as the very well being of individules.
Porn is so unbelievably prevalent that on the average one in five boys and one in ten girls have their first exposure to hardcore, illegal pornography (obscenity) by age 12.
Pornography is the third largest income producer for organized crime—eight to ten billion dollars per year!
These are some frightening statistics.
I have provided a couple of links to articles on porn. You might like to look them over.
Perhaps they will give you some new insights into this problem and also give you good information to talk over with your boyfriend. I hope it helps. Doc
http://www.filterguide.com/harmful.htm
http://www.watchtower.org/e/20030722/article_03.htm
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A
female
reader, onlinecounsellor_Dale +, writes (2 February 2008):
 Attitudes towards, its usage, and the meaning placed on pornography seems to vary widely among relationships (and, of course, individuals). What is right for one couple is not right for the next. Some couples view pornography together and see it as enhancing their intimate life. Other relationships break down because pornography is introduced into the relationship and/or because one partner (usually the male) uses it in private. Pornography is certainly a topic which seems to provoke strong reactions (positive and negative!) and a fair degree of moral judgement (often on the part of females) and defensiveness (often on the part of males). Arguably there is not really any 'right' or 'wrong' (provided all acts are consensual and no one involved is underage), just differences. This does not mean that you have to like or accept pornography in your relationship. Your strong negative feelings towards it are valid, understandable, and shared by many. You mention that your partner sent you the video in response to an email discussion about fantasies. Perhaps he interpreted your discussion to indicate openness to, and interest in, such videos? Have you shared your reaction to the video with him yet? It sounds like it will be important for you to let him know the strong feelings which it has evoked for you, but do this in a way which is as non-damning and judgmental of him as possible (although many men are avid consumers, some are secretly conflicted and ashamed by their behaviour).Finally, you ask whether you are correct in assuming..... My resounding response to this is try not to assume anything in relationships and assume at your own risk!!!! Assuming what one's partner is thinking and/or feeling is one of the most common (and damaging) mistakes made in relationships. Quite simply, talk to your partner about this issue. Don't interpret what his behaviour means without checking it out with him. You may be completely off the mark.Good Luck!
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