A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'd like to state from the outset that there are good parts, dinners out for which he pays, picnics, a sweet/romantic Christmas gift...but:I feel my partner is always trying to improve me, be it teaching me to cook (for which I am grateful) to making snide comments (put downs) on my choice of books, clothes, activities (he REALLY doesn't approve of my mountain climbing).He is 10 years older and I lived alone for 5 years (he lived alone for 10) before we moved in together.And that is when the fun has really started :-) from me receiving a pissed off email at work that I had neglected to do the dishes the night before (the first time this had ever happened), to me using "the good teatowels" - the ones (and I'm not kidding) that are "only for show", to me wearing sweatpants around the house.I try so hard to live up to his expectations, but always feel that I'm one missed step away from another disapproving look and comment on what I did wrong this time. We are both college educated in demanding fields, but his job is always more important than mine, and he has made a couple of comments which lead me to believe that he assumes he is smarter than me.I don't know what to do and really would appreciate any advice on this. Am I stupid to expect a partner who will think himself fortunate to be with me? Who will do romantic gestures like flowers for no reason? Have I read too many romance novels? Would being alone be better or worse than this? I am tired of never feeling secure in the relationship, it wears you down to be in the same house with someone who you truly believe could turn around and end it all without a tear, if I feel that how am I supposed to believe him when he says he loves me?Any advice would be appreciated, thank you.
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at work, christmas, flowers, his ex, moved in Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2009): You are in an absolutely without a doubt toxic relationship with a possibly with a Narcissistic Partner.
They are constant fault finders and they slowly drain your self esteem. You are not aware of that because they confuse you with gifts and affection.
"Dr. Lillian Glass, author of 'Toxic People', describes a toxic person as "anyone who manages to drag you down, make you feel angry, worn out, deflated, belittled or confused." It may be difficult for people to admit they are in a toxic relationship, because they are intelligent, self-sufficient individuals in other aspects of their lives. Most people in toxic relationships, however, have the sense that something is just not right." Taken from: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/6278/25_ways_to_tell_if_your_relationship.html?cat=41
I too had toxic relationships and yes they always think say they are doing things for your own good. For example, my ex criticized almost all my wardrobe, which was perfectly fine for me (conservative but in style, adequate for my age and body) and actually gave me money so I would buy the clothes that he approved. And we were only going out for about a month when he did this. I felt so confused and ashamed. It was like he violated my boundaries. It was disrespectful but I was insensible to it, since all my life my parents had violated my boundaries and after all "it was for my own good" (??) He made me feel rejected and bad about my choices, signs of a toxic person.
Your relationhsip might not show all of the Toxic "symptoms" yet but it doesn't mean you are not in a toxic relationship. What to do? RUN for your life. IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER.
Kathy Reed O'Gorman published in associatedcontent.com "25 Ways to Tell if Your Relationship is Toxic" You can read it in the previous link.
Also this is another great link about this type of people and how to spot them.
http://www.oprah.com/article/spirit/emotionalhealth/ss_lybl_control_10/3
You need to read and read about toxic relationships and narcissistic personality disorder just like I did so you would understand the problem you are in. I hope you seriously consider getting out of this relationship.
-Blessings
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (25 January 2009):
 bad communication of emotion is here along with constant petty moaning and wearing critisism on his part.
a good relationship involves enjoying the persons company and treating them as though they have some vaildity as a person. if i was treated as though what i liked wasn't valid and i was stupider and inferior i would leave the situation.
it sounds as if your man is narcissistic in ways and its up to you to go with what you want. all i know is that for me i dont like being picked at like yesterdays roast chicken. i dont like being a constant self esteem feast for bullying or having to complement someone needy. insecurity is difficult to remove if the person is not good at coping strategies.
its a matter of what you two can tolerate or not...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2009): http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Ruigrok3.html
http://drphil.com/articles/article/317
http://drphil.com/articles/article/22
http://drphil.com/articles/article/26
http://www.enotalone.com/article/2832.html
No one can judge your relationship a good one or not or whether in this case you should stay or go...that is something you will have to decide.
My guess there is something bothering your boyfriend other than the towels.....I think it would help if you would dig a little deeper and look into what you are feeling and why he may be doing what he is doing....there are two people in this relationship and you both are part of the dynamic.
I think living together is very hard when you are not commited to each other in any real way as in engagement or marriage.....it seems like you both go into it on a trial basis, if it doesn't work out it is an easy exit, and the relationship is set up to fail that way, everyone is on edge and trust and security is lacking. Every one needs to feel safe in their relationship. Your boyfriend my feel you don't care about his needs no matter how silly they seem to you, and you may feel he doesn't appreciate you enough and won't accept you as you really are, mountain climbing included.
You might try couple's counseling if you can't get to a place where you can communicate.....what you are aftere is emotional closure, even if the issues are not resolved....90% of all relationship issues are not resolvable.....it is one of the great relationship myths out there.
Take a look at the above and see if you can see yourself in any of this, and discuss it with your boyfriend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2009): That kind of behaviour is alien to me it's so outdated and old fashioned. It seems like he's one of those "woman know thy place" men, I thought men like that were extinct to be honest.Even the good parts which, I'm not knocking, seem to be that old idea of how a man is supposed to treat a woman kind of thing. I'm sorry but he shouldn't want to "improve" you, you should already be perfect for him flaws and all if he loves you.I wouldn't really consider teaching you how to cook, clean and not use the "good" towels as improvement unless I lived in the 1950's, seems like he wants to turn you into the perfect old fashioned housewife.Yeah and sweatpants don't go well with aprons;)I think he has this idea in his head of the perfect wife and for some reason he's trying to mould you into that. Which is idiotic, selfish and wrong of him.You are not stupid to expect a man to see himself as fortunate to be with you, nor is it too much to ask for spontaneous romantic gestures, they are all part of being in love.He seems to be smothering you,I think you need to ask him straight out what he expects from you and what he see's in you and his future. Because you can't go on like this, he either loves you for you and chills out a bit about menial things or I'm afraid you will feel this way for as long as you are with him.
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