A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my current gf a few years now, and about a year into the relationship, I went out of town on a trip with my family for a few weeks. While I was gone she met a guy, and started flirting with him. I found this out much later into the relationship, when she confessed. (although, i was suspicious before that) They never met up outside of when they first met, but they talked on the phone, and even later than when she confessed this, she confessed that they had "cyber sex". Anyways, when I got back in town, she cut off all contact with him. She claimed that she did it because she missed me, and wanted someone to "hold" my place. When she confessed, months later, I forgave her after a series of fights, and we've been together over 3 years now. However, ever since then she has been super irrational and worried about ME being unfaithful, even though i've never done anything even LIKE cheating. Her irrational worries have slowly been getting worse and worse, and now it's at the point that they have become irrational accusations. It causes us fights almost daily now, and im almost at my wits end. I sometimes feel like i should have left her when her irrationality first started getting worse. But, i cant imagine life without her, I love her so much, despite the constant pain she brings me, because in between that pain and fighting, im really happy.So, I actually have a few questions:1. Was what she did cheating?2. Was i wrong to stay with her after she confessed?3. What can i do about her unfounded worries and accusations? (reassuring her is simply hopeless)4. What should i do now?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): Well, I'm not an expert, but here's what I think...
1. The definition of cheating is sooo different from person to person. In my relationship (of 8 years), I would not necessarily consider that cheating; however, I would be extremely upset about it just like you were. If there are no further implications of it though, I don't think it would be enough to break a relationship.
2. It sounds like you really love this girl and want to be with her. I don't think that it was wrong to stay with her.
3. Have you brought up the fact that her flirting and doing other things with that guy while you were out of town made you really worried, but then you were able to think about it rationally and get over it? I guess this could be considered mean, but making her feel guilty for what she has done and making her realize that she would not do such a thing again at the risk of losing you may make her understand the fact that you wouldn't cheat on her.
4. I would share your thoughts with her just like you did here. Tell her that this is extremely difficult and that your relationship seems to be going downhill because of her worries. Tell her how it makes you feel and listen to her to see if you are doing anything to make her worry. Then, if both of you agree that you want to continue on with the relationship, make some commitments to each other. Maybe it would make her feel better if you called her during lunch and told her how much you loved her and missed her. And maybe she could commit to not making accusations without having any basis. There are definitely ways to work this out if you choose to do so. :)
Good luck!
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