A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i am so angry with my ex, she broke up with me, i loved her so much and i did everything for her, she said the reason was that i was not spending time with her and that i took her for granted! she did alot for me too, let me live with her for free, bought stuff for me, cooked, did laundry and cleaned, all i did was take her out at times, bought groceries and gave her money if she asked me! i think i took her for granted, the break up was such a mess we fought over everything,she just told me to get out! when we were together i started talking to other women at my job in a way that i should hav not done and she found out she was so hurt i promised that i would not do it again but i liked the attention and i did it again, and that killed her after i did that to her things were not the same she acted like if she was ok but i guess she was not! i work until 1030 at night and when i was finished i went to my friends house to play video games until like 430 in the morning, that wore me out and when i came home she wanted sex and i could not give it to her, is that the reason why she left! why am i so angry with her, will she take me back when i am ready to talk to her?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2010): No, she didn't break up with you because you were too tired for sex. She broke up with you because you didn't pull your weight in the relationship, either emotionally or practically. Not only did you not put her first, you continually put every other commitment in your life before her. And, to add insult to injury, you preferred playing computer games to having sex with her.
Your message is very contradictory, and I think your confusion is probably the reason why you are feeling so angry. In the first paragraph, you say that you did everything for your girlfriend. But in the second paragraph, it emerges that your girlfriend paid for more than half of the things you used together, and did all the housework. Similarly, in your first paragraph, you say that you loved her, but in your third paragraph it emerges that you were engaging in inappropriate chat with the women you work with, even after she asked you to stop. Surely you realize that even to me, reading this over the internet, this does not look like the behaviour of someone in love. To your girlfriend, it must have felt like an agonising betrayal. Finally, if you were out gaming until 4am, to the point that the sexual side of your relationship suffered, then she probably had every right to feel 'taken for granted'.
I know that this is probably not what you want to hear right now, and I'm probably sounding very harsh and unforgiving to you right now. But I'm trying to make you see things from her perspective, so that you can change. Because I believe that the only way that you can have successful relationships in future will be to change the way that you act towards your partners at a fundamental level. The main thing to realize is that love isn't all roses and candlelight and smiles. It's putting out the garbage when you feel tired, so your partner doesn't have to. It's spending time doing things you sometimes don't want to do - watching movies you don't want to see, going to shops you wouldn't normally frequent, even putting up with in laws you don't like - because it makes someone else happy. It's doing your share - and then some extra magic - to see the person you love smile. Until you feel so strongly about someone that their happiness is bound up in your own, and being unselfish feels great because it fills them with joy, then you're not 'in love'. And every person deserves someone who loves them like that.
As for your question about this girl taking you back: I think that maybe, if you can show real progress and change, she might. But first, you need to stop thinking that everything revolves around you and your feelings ('when I am ready to talk to her' suggests that you don't even think she has a right to decide when to discuss things) and instead put her centre stage. Imagine you have a little daughter for a second. What kind of partner would you like her to have when she grew up? How would you like her to be treated? That ideal person is what your girlfriend deserves. And realize that you have it within you to become that caring, giving, kind, strong person. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
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