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male
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anonymous
writes: did she cheat on me or not ??me and my wife have been living together for 12 years, and have we have 2 kids. Our realationship has had its ups and downs over the years, but somehow we have made it work. About 6 months ago we had a huge fight,and it was just the last straw for me, so i moved out. We tried to talk in the next 2 weeks but somehow always ended up arguing in front of the kids, because she was so angry that i moved out. She was always trying to get me to move back in, but i didn´t want to move in unless somethings would change, and then we would start arguing. i told her that we obviously couldnt discuss anything, so i told her what i wanted, that we wouldn´t try to talk about it for maybe 2 weeks, and just think about what we would like to do in our relationship. i wanted to set a date and then we would meet and discuss our things, whether to sell our flat, or try to fix our marriage, because we just couldn´t talk together with all this anger involved. I have a friend from the past who used to be a good friend of me and my wife, but me and him had a big disagreement many years ago and so we ended our friendship there. But my wife has sort of always contacted him when she and i have had a big fight, and then they would meet and talk about things. She always told me and she also knew of my disapproval of this. 4 weeks after we broke up ( on a monday) i spoke with my wife, and asked her why she always contacted my ex-friend ( Lets call him X ) when we had our fights. she got defensive, and told me it was none of my business, since we had broken up and i moved out. She could contact whoever she liked. We spoke together for the next 3 days about our marriage, and i told her that i loved very much and told her all the feelings i had for her and needed her in my life, etc etc and she felt the same way,but she told me that she propably blew any chance of us being together. When i asked her why, she told me she slept with X, on last friday night. She went out to dinner with people from work , had been drinking the whole night, and X was calling her, and later that night she went to his place. They sat at his place and drank two bottles of wine, and ended up having sex. She told me that she felt bad about it right away, and she stopped in the middle of the progress. She told me that she was thinking about our sex life at the time because she felt that it was "bad" sex she was having, and she felt like she was cheating on me.I asked about details, but she tells me she has told me everything about how it happened.She said that, he was lousy in bed, had a small "fellow", and they quit in the middle of it.( I just feel that she told me this, because it is propablybest for me to know it like this beacause its the "best" of the "worst" ) I mean, who quits in the middle of sex ??I told her that i would like to get over this, and try to work out our proplems, even though she had done this, but things would have to change. I also told her that i dont want the anger to take control of me because of what happened. I know that it would be really easy just to walk away and call her names, and get on with my life, but i dont want to take the "easy" way out, i want to make this work. I told her, that in order to do so, things would have to change, especially in showing our emotions, and also regarding our intimacy.She has broken all contacts with X, and he is no longer in our lives.The proplem is this.Even though she told me that she "felt" like she was cheating, she says that she wasn´t, because i moved out and our relationship was over. Even though we had a lot of issues thad were not resolved, she feels this way.I feel extremely bad about that she has had sex with another man, but somehow i feel that she doesn´t realise what she did.I feel like my heart is going to explode, i think about this a lot, and i cant seem to get the image out of my head of them together. I love my wife very much, but sometimes i have doubts that i will never get over this.We have been going to a marriage counceller, for 5 months now, and i still feel this way.Our sex live has nott been so good for the past 3 years, because she has been on anti-depressants, and she said it was a side effect of the drugs, a lack of sex drive. Now she is off the drugs, and still nothing has changed. We sleep together maybe once every 2 or 3 weeksI feel like i am the one who has to accept all kinds of things and she just gets away with saying, "this is just the way it is !! "My wife has always been very sentimantal about all kinds of things, and has cried in weddings, reading obituaries, reading sad books and so on.But i somehow feel that she doesn´t feel bad about what happened at all.I have cried about this and told her my feelings, but she tells me she tries not to think about what happened.I feel that she doesn´t show "enough" remorse....Am i crazy ?Is it possible to get over these kind of things ??Somebody please help me, because i feel like i am getting depressed over this whole thing....How can i cope with this ?Is this going to be like this forever?
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broke up, depressed, drugs, moved out, my ex, sex drive, sex life, sex with another, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, smileyhugs +, writes (27 September 2006):
I'm not sure if a person can ever show enough remorse for cheating on the person they love. Perhaps the only way some people have of coping, is to try to block it out as much as possible, which may seem like they arent sorry enough for their transgression.
You are not at all crazy, what you are feeling sounds completely natural and understandable.
I think you need to be frank with your wife about how upset this whole situation is, and how you are feeling. Perhaps this has not been fully covered during councilling?
Maybe you need to see someone by yourself, to get your feelings out and vent. That may help. Otherwise communicating with your wife is very important, it is better to let these feelings out.
Ultimately, you may have these feelings for the rest of your life, but perhaps they will be less strong as the years go by? Maybe they will fade, as more and more happy memories engulf this upset?
I hope things work out for you and your wife.
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (27 September 2006):
 A marriage councillor can only go so far. What you are doing is obsessing over what happened. This can easily get out of hand until you end up in a set of obsessive behaviour patterns that are very hard to break out of. This is what you are locked into now.
This issue of letting go has become your issue, not your wifes (despite how it feels to you. Whilst your focus is on things like 'her showing enough remorse', it's really yourself that you need to be focussing on. That may seem 180 degrees in the wrong direction, but trust me, it is not.
I suggest you see a therapist by yourself. Especially consider cognitive and behavioural therapy. It is possible to get over this, but don't expect quick results. And be prepared for the first step: accepting (at least theoretically) that it is now your issue to overcome, not your wifes behaviour. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Toria +, writes (27 September 2006):
 Well even though you were still married you weren't together at the time and you had called an end to everything with her and moved out I would say it wasn't cheating as at the time she was no longer with you, although I would be very hurt in the same situation as it would feel like I was cheated on.
Maybe the reason she doesn't show enough remorse is because she really does want to forget it happened and move on from it and constantly thinking about it will only drive a wedge or more of a wedge between you both.
I know you can't forget but you need to try to move on from whats happened and make a future with your wife.
Good luck :o)
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A
male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (27 September 2006):
 Its going to be like that until you make a change. YOU are looking for change in her but the change starts with you. I feel like you have valid points and I think its harder for you to cope with this because of her lack of remorse but be honest even if she did show remorse wouldn't you still have that image in your head about them being together. I say you talk with your wife and let her know that you need some time away. Go on a holiday by yourself and sort thru your feelings. Its not a break-up but a revitalization. You need time away from her and the relationship to deal with your trapped emotions. This will also give her time to see that this is really affecting you in a horrible manner and may force a change on her part. Stop torturing yourself and take the time you need. You would rather take a week or two then live like this for the rest of your life. Be strong and Good Luck.
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