A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:This occurred during the first month of our relationship. His ex-girlfriend, that he deeply loved and wanted to marry, had broken up with him two months prior to us dating. He didn't wait long to date other women, maybe within a week of the break up, but it appears they had a final hookup a month later.In the first month of dating, I realize that we weren't an exclusive couple and this was around the holidays that we first started dating. In a month we were intimate.I discovered a holiday letter he sent her telling her he thought she was the love of his life and saying (using her pet name) that she made everything beautiful.The holiday letter he sent me was the same one, only that paragraph was revised to me to say the he was looking for someone special to share his life with.It appears he was playing both of us, burning candles at both ends.Even though we weren't an exclusive couple yet and it was the beginning of our relationship, the fact that he and I were "intimate" and then he later sent that letter to her was very disconcerting to me. He also sent her a small present. The first holiday card I got from him was a "friendship" card. Having not dated in decades I didn't know what to make of it all.We are now engaged (dated 3 years) and are in the midst of planning our wedding, but now I discovered this holiday letter and I feel a cold chill setting in.Clearly, I feel he would have dumped me in a nanosecond had she come back on the scene. She is a gorgeous looking woman by the way so I can see why he was so enraptured with her and that even makes it worse.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2013): That does beg me to wonder if she came back now, if he would still dump you?Obviously, he was still trying to get back together with her after even having been with you. You were not utmost in his mind to him at that time. She was.Not a nice game to play with people's emotions. Not nice at all. Yes, he was playing both of you. Trying to get her back and luring you in if she didn't respond--that is my take on it.I also wonder if he has been in contact with her through e-mails or cell phone conversations throughout your relationship or other ex-girlfriends for that matter. You never know.It's in your hands if you want to stay or move on. It does open doors to if you can really trust him. Personally, I would be wondering all the time if he is up to anything else that you are not aware of. Not worth the worry or stomach aches that would follow.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 January 2013):
 OP I got all that.
seems you are bothered by this lying and cheating that he did 3 years ago.
you are engaged and planning a wedding so what do you want from me?
do you want me to tell you to leave him?
do you want me to tell you to forgive him?
I wont' do either.
I will tell you that YOU have to make that choice based on if you can live with what happened in the beginning of your relationship with him. Clearly you two started out too soon after his ex left him.
IF you found out 3 years ago and posted this I would say leave him because he's not ready for a new relationship but three years of water under the bridge changes folks.
Yes I am sure he would have dumped you if she came back but she didn't. And now he is with you. And yes it's kind of lousy that you know that if someone else had done something different you wouldn't be with him. But she did. So you have to base your choice on if you can cope or not.
I often wonder if my dad's quasi-wife (17 years together live together, her younger grand kids call him pop-pop) thinks about the fact that if my mother had not died, she would not be with this man. Probably not as she is not the type to deal in what ifs...
He's clearly not leaving you for her.
He's clearly ready to move on and marry you
if he's done nothing since that incident to cause you to question his feelings for you... then you have to decide what to do.
Have you talked to HIM about it?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2013): I'm the OP here. I wanted to say that we started to date two months after they broke up and then he hooked up with her for their final act together a month after their breakup.
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (10 January 2013):
 The important thing is she didn't want him back and you two are now engaged. People make mistakes. You've been together 3 years, he must love you.
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