A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Just looking for some advice, try and put all the info down. This is as I heard it, obviously I wasn't there:Here's the situation, gf went out on a night out in another country with a big group of colleagues and clients for dinner and drinks. Few of the younger ones went onto a bar, then a few more onto a club where 3-4 doing some marching powder. Club closes and her and another guy are still wired and pissed out their minds so go looking for a bar. No bars open a 5am. Go back to his hotel bar. They say we're closed but you can take a drink up to the room. Take a bottle of wine up to his room, do a bit more gear drink some wine and he (a business client of hers) professes his undying love for her. She says don't be ridiculous you have a gf, I have a bf you need to stop this idea right now it's not going to happen so forget it. They drink a bit more talk a bit more and then pass out in twin beds that are pushed together, ie different duvets, different matteresses but pushed up together like you sometimes get in hotels at about 7am. I asked if they spooned or cuddled and allegedly he reached over so his forearm was on her and they both passed out. Woke up two hours later and he left to catch a 11am flight.Obviously one major issue here is I don't know if she's telling the truth but, ignoring that out because none of us can actually know what went on except those two, based on the facts above what do you do? I've already made it clear that this was unacceptable and disrespectful and that I don't think drink/drugs are an excuse. She could have left, pulled the beds apart etc etc none of which happened before she passed out. Really she actually should have left when he said he fancied her but she felt a bit guilty because she's in sales and mild flirting is part of her job. I'll be seeing her next week and I'm not sure whether this is final warning or see ya later so I just wanted to canvass opinion to help me solidify mine. (Both 27). Happy also to provide further detail if needs be.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 June 2016):
 I don't think I could forgive this, she may not have physically cheated, but for me this would be a deal breaker. Doing drugs for me would be a deal breaker anyway, but she went back to his hotel on her own free will, what happens the next time she goes away on a business trip, will you be able to trust her? I don't think I would be able to, not if I knew my partner would sleep in a bed right next to someone who just confessed that they liked them, am pretty sure he probably just wanted a one night stand, if it was my partner I wouldn't let it go. The best thing you can do is give yourself some time to think about what your boundaries are in a relationship and then talk to her, let us know how you get on.
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (19 June 2016):
 My question, Now if it were you, would she be accepting of the same behaviour? She totally fucked up in more ways than one. Personally, not sure if I could forgive and forget this type of scenario. Especially if she deems flirting as part of her expected job role. I don't believe it is, instead that is just an excuse. Anyone worth their professional weight should be able to close a deal or do business without having to carry on like this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2016): I agree. She either crossed a line this time, or will do it in the future with these kinds of habits.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2016): Are you going to wait until the next time she sees him? Any possibly goes even further that time?The ground work has been laid for this situation to escalate. She enjoys this man's attention and she enjoys the ego boost. And it is just a matter of time before she (AND he) takes it further. It sounds like she is grooming him. Smoothing him over. Putting the hook out for him to chase her. The protesting-too-much-I-have-a-boyfriend-you have-a-girlfriend act is only going to unleash his competitive male hunter side. Her words are saying one thing but her actions are saying quite another. He may be thinking in his mind... "Yeah, she said all that BUT she came up to my room with me. Drank with me. Hung with me. Slept all night in the bed right beside me...." I have a shot. She is giving me a green light to pursue her. She is playing hard to get.Think about it. What would YOU think if you switched places with this guy? Would you not think she was a little too friendly with you? That she crossed professional boundaries? Would you not think she was on the loose side? A woman open to some extra curricular play? With you? Or another guy?Answer honestly.If she was not your girlfriend and you heard of her behaviour or even were the guy who was on the other end of her behaviour, would you think to yourself she was not serious about her boyfriend? That should tell you how to proceed.I am pretty girl. I get hit on my men. I have a boyfriend. I cut them off very quickly when they try it on me. No and no and no. I mean NO. And I remove myself from the situation. From being around them. Alone with them. I certainly would never go to the room of a client or business associate in a strange city. Or even in my home city. That is just setting yourself up for trouble and asking for trouble. Do you see? The last place I would ever be is alone with another guy anywhere because I love my boyfriend and have absolutely no interest in playing that game. Your girlfriend, on the other hand, is playing that game. But even more than that, she is playing with fire. Sorry, but I do think she is a little too attention seeking, insecure, ego driven and immature for her own good. Seems like maybe she is not as serious as you are or ready to commit to one man.I am wondering if this is the only incident you have caught wind of? Or has she done this before? Are there any other behaviours she has engaged in that have raised red flags for you?Personally, I am not sure I would stick around and wait for the moment she puts a knife into my back.I believe it's just a matter of time before she has sex with this guy or some other guy... client, business associate, some guy she met in a bar somewhere... whoever. And the fact she is doing drugs in the company of strange men does not say much about her character. She should know that drugs in her system would result in a loss of her own personal control, which places her in a vulnerable position, even if her intentions were pure and good, which I think they weren't.She seems to have some issues to work out for herself. Until she does that, she will likely behave in a very selfish and self serving way. I think you can do much better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 June 2016):
 You have to figure out what YOUR (personal) boundaries and standards are.
For me... the who doing drugs and getting SO drunk that you go "home" with someone else is a deal-breaker. Doesn't matter if they had sex or not. Drugs are a no-go for me.
There was ABSOLUTELY no reason for her to go and drink in his room, or to stay after he declared his "undying love" (aka being horny) - being in sales, him being a client... is no reasonable excuse - UNLESS she is in the market of selling HERSELF. She could easily have said, OK I think we better call it a night and left. EASY. It would have been a FAR more classy option as well. And IF she was worried about their professional relationship... she shouldn't have used drugs or gotten so drunk off her skull... VERY unprofessional.
So... WHAT are your deal-breaker? Figure that out and you will figure out your answer.
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