A
female
age
30-35,
*tephanie Davis
writes:Did my boyfriend act unreasonable in this situation? Now my boyfriend has said that he hates when I drink alcohol, I don't drink often and when I do its at family birthdays and bbq's in the house. Hes always with me when I drink because I invite him. Its confusing because he says he hates me drinking but sometimes he would offer me a drink. He says that I become 'cheeky' when I drink. I presume this means me being overly affectionate, dirty dancing, wanting sex (not in public) and becoming a bit more louder. I don't black out, get sick etc. I am a sociable person. He seems to go into a mood and it escalates into an argument and he says that when I drink we always have an argument.So I was coming back from work on a Saturday, I started at 7am, finished at 9pm. We had agreed to meet that evening, he lives nearby (3 minutes away) and he asked me if I had any food that I had cooked and if i could bring some for him. I said i would as I normally cook for him regulary as I know he hasn't got much money and has to pay rent. I am a student so I dont have much either but I live with my family. I mentioned on the phone to him that my dad is off today and is at home with his friend and they want me to have a drink with them. He said "well if your going to be drinking then dont come and see me, i will see you another day" I was like "why, I'm just going to have a drink with my dad" I cant remember everything but he wouldn't explain to me the reason why because he has to keep "repeating and repeating the same thing to me again and again" about why he hates me drinking. He finished the conversation asking if i was going to drink or not and I said no i won't.In my head I was just thinking that he needs to calm down and stop making a big deal out of it. Half an hour later and i'm ready to leave and meet him half way and i speak to him on the phone and he asks me whether I had a drink or not and I said i did. He got really angry and when i saw him he was shouting on the road and instead of going into his flat, we just kept on walking and he was still having a go at me.I was just quiet and didnt say anything. I was still holding the food I made for him in my hand.Half way through walking I said to him, ok my legs are hurting so lets stop walking and we turned back and went into his flat (he lives with the landlord and housemate) He had calmed down a bit and as we lay in bed, he said that there is a part of him that loves to be in a relationship with me and a part that hates it!From what I remember he then said that I was being a bitch. Then he tried to have sex with me.Thats what happened but I blame myself for all of this and yes i shouldnt have lied when he had asked whether I was going to drink that night but I actually forgot that I had said I wouldn't drink. I feel like I caused this. Whats your honest opinions? Thank you in advance x
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (8 March 2016):
 given the past history, I do believe his request is controlling and unfair.
but lying is wrong too.
A
female
reader, LJCX +, writes (8 March 2016):
 I just read AuntyBimBim's response that lead me to your other question.He does sound controlling telling you what to wear, I didn't agree with him shouting and being angry in the street anyway but then reading he punches lamp posts he sounds like an aggressive person.I bet he started seeing you because you looked good in the dresses he now tells you not to wear and he liked you for being out going and fun. But now he's with you he wants that to change. I'm sure he knew you drunk sometimes at the start of the relationship and was aware of what you behaved like then.I still agree with what I said earlier that maybe you can't handle your drink all that well as you forget things that have been said or done. But his overly aggressive reactions are not on.I somehow missed the part where he called you a bitch. Instead of him being concerned with trying to modify your behaviour he should be more concerned with modifying his own. He doesn't have self control if he resorts to punching lamp posts. Be careful if he gets aggressive and you've had a drink and can't remember everything, he could end up hurting you and then I'll bet he'll twist what happened and say you started it.Find yourself a nice guy, lots of people like an outgoing fun girlfriend there's no need to spend your time worrying what you'll do next to annoy him.
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A
female
reader, LJCX +, writes (8 March 2016):
I don't think it's so much of an issue that he doesn't like people drinking at all it's more the fact that you say you get 'cheeky and loud'. I can relate to this, when I have a drink I get louder, I love having a dance and it's ok when others around me are the same. But my boyfriend sometimes gets a bit fed up when I'm drunk and sitting there chatting a million miles an hour!No he can't tell you how to live your life and if you want a drink occasionally and on special occasions then you are free to do so. But when you told him you were going to have a drink with your dad the sensible thing was for him to say he would see you another time. It was a little bit pointless asking him why when you knew why.I don't think he was trying to coerce you into doing what he wanted as when you said why he obviously thought that you really wanted to see him. I notice that you say 'from what I remember', does that mean you drank quite a lot so you couldn't remember everything? I think you may be a bit like me that you get drunk quite quickly, seeing as you don't drink all that often it would effect you more than a person who drinks all of the time. You say you can't remember everything you said over the phone either so is it possible that you say things that you shouldn't while drunk and you don't recall it?He shouldn't have shouted at you in the street, that's uncalled for, doesn't matter if you lied, shouting and being angry in the street was a bit stupid! But hey we all lose our temper from time to time.If I'm right that you can't handle drinking all that well and you get drunk quickly it can be a little bit draining on the person you're with who isn't at the same speed as you. Seeing as you are aware it changes you in to being all loud and a bit in your face maybe the best way to deal with this is to try and work out how much you should drink before you get drunk and to slow the pace down.He obviously loves being in a relationship with you but if he struggles to enjoy himself when you are drunk then could you just abstain when you are around him? He's not telling you to cut it out completely just when you are together. You can have fun without a drink and you feel a lot better for it the morning after :) He also offers you a drink sometimes so it's not that he's against people drinking all together maybe he just can't handle a ball of fun after you've had a few.But don't blame yourself for all of this, having a little drink from time to time is normal and you probably have fun while doing it. I had a massive argument with my boyfriend before for exactly the same reasons! It confused me because I just thought I was having a fun time but he told me I was trying to get him to do handstands with me for like half an hour. Not my finest moment! Who seriously wants to have somebody ask them to do a handstand for half an hour straight!I just slow down now, I try to pace myself and realise that I don't have to bolt down drinks, just drink enough to get slightly tipsy and relaxed. I don't drink often so I know I have to be careful when I do.If he said he'd see you another time you could have had a nice night with your dad, you wouldn't have argued and you would have seen him again soon. Don't feel like you have to stop doing one thing just to see him for an hour or so when you can save it and have more quality time together a different day.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (8 March 2016):
 Stephanie, on the list I suggested you write in your previous post, in the negative column write that he is attempting to control your interaction with YOUR DAD and that he called you a bitch.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-used-to-tell-him-that-we-should.html
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (8 March 2016):
 Hi,
you are an adult, so you are able and allowed to make your OWN CHOICES, regarding if/when you want to drink.
What i will say though, is although you have the full right to drink, it's not a good idea to lie to your bf.
When he asked you if you'd drink with your dad, you should have said, "yes, i am going to have a drink with my dad".
Also, if you do decide to have that drink, then i do hope that it's because you wanted to and not because you were being pressured into drinking.
Does your bf drink and did he know that you drink when he met you?
If the answer to both questions is "yes", then i don't see an issue at all.
If it's no, then you need to be upfront with him and tell him why you weren't upfront with him from day one.
If he isn't a drinker and you are and on occassion, if you get tipsy or drunk and he dislikes that, then you at least need to explain why.
You are not under his control, he doesn't own you, he has no right to tell you what to do, however, there are some important matters that require early onset discussions within any relationship and believe it or not, drinking is one of those topics.
It's important to establish trust, very early on in any relationship, in order for it to be sustained.
Also, you should always show respect for one another, even if you do disagree sometimes.
I say this because not everybody wants to date a drinker, especially in cases of heavy drinking and this is because of the potential problems and issues that go hand in hand with drinking to excess, especially within relationships, whereby one doesn't drink and in relationships where children are involved.
If you love your bf and you wish to continue being with him, then you need to sit him down and tell him that you enjoy the occassional drink or the regular drink with your dad, family and/or friends.
He too, must respect and accept your desire to drink, however, if he finds it very hard to do, then it's up to him to make an informed decision about the future of your relationship.
Also, if you find it hard to say no to others who ask you to drink with them, then maybe you need to think about that too.
If you make your own decision to drink, then this is fine, provided you're not drinking to excess.
I would encourage you to discuss your desire to drink with your bf and tell him that you aren't going to stop just because he says so, or loses his temper.
I'm not asking you to fight with him, nor be disrespectful, however, you must be upfront and honest, otherwise you guys have nothing solid.
Be in full control of your own life and choices, but always try to make the best possible choices for yourself and for your relationship.
I don't think that your bf saying, that a part of him "hates" being with you in your relationship is very nice.
Also, he said you were being a "bitch", then he tried to have sex with you?
You need to sit down alone and think long and hard about those few comments.
I am not you, but personally, i would never stand for any man speaking to me like that.
That is a form of control and seriouos disrespect.
You know what they say, all bad habits start off small, then grow into something big and often uncontrollable.
The onset of drinking fits under this category, so too, your bfs behaviour.
I wish you all the best and please let me know how you get on. :-)
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 March 2016):
 No sweetie you have not caused this at all. This is the beginning of controlling behavior which may only get worse if you allow it to happen. You are free to drink if you want to, that is your choice and not your boyfriends. It sounds like he wants to control you, and you don't want this to get out of hand and escalate quickly.
As long as you are drinking responsibly and not putting yourself in to danger well then that is nobodies business but yours. If he doesn't like you drinking well that's his choice but that does not mean that you need to give it up, he either needs to accept it or else stay away from you. Does he drink himself? Is there a reason that he hates alcohol?
What exactly do you get out of this relationship? Is he good to you? Does he cook for you? Do romantic things? Or is this all a one sided relationship? It is nice that you cook for him, but I hope he does nice things for you as well.
If he doesn't want to see you after you having a drink well then that is his choice, yes it was probably wrong that you told him you wouldn't drink, as this was lying, however you should never have felt the need to tell him you where not going to drink. You told him you where going to have a drink with your dad and that should have been the end of the conversation. He emotionally black mailed you in to saying you wouldn't drink, which is not healthy in a relationship. Do you think you could talk to your dad about this situation or a trusted family member?
Please don't allow this controlling behavior to carry on, he is already got you blaming yourself when you did nothing but have a drink with your dad. You are an adult and you make your own choices.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 March 2016):
Can you say no when someone offers you a drink? IF not, then you may have an issue with alcohol. IF you have an issue with alcohol then I am totally on his side. IF this is his personal opinion and you can easily go without alcohol for extended periods of time (over a month) and not miss it or crave it, then this is his choice and I would just end it now as it will never be something you two agree on.
IF he has an issue with alcohol and wants a partner that does not drink, then that's his right and he should just end it with you if you want to drink.
I can only speak to my personal experience, if my husband drinks our marriage is over, but he's not very nice when he drinks and he can't really say NO once he starts... he opts NOT to drink at all. I opt to stay with a man who gave up alcohol for me.
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