A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:advice needed please!!!! im not to familar with the dating scene as i have recently come out of a long term abusive relationship so i am not to familiar with how to date. theres a guy that when i drive past him (not very often) always looks at me, and a few weeks ago i went with a male friend to this house and the guy that looks at me lived at this house. my friend had gone to speak to him about something. i think the guy was shocked to see me!! anyway a few weeks later my mate told me that the guy had asked him for my phone number. my mate said he didnt give it to him and reckons he said to him that he wasnt giving it to him. my male friend seems to get jealous when other men pay me attention. anyway i got the guys number and text him saying i believe you wanted my number and this is my number! he text back and asked would i like to go for a drink or whatever. i text him back saying yes i will but i work every night til 11.30pm and i havent been out for a long time because you can no longer smoke in pubs etc.. i said it might be best to get a bottle in. then he didnt text me back!!!!!! i dont understand what i might have done wrong here???? anyway i havent text him back as ive seen dating advice which says dont chase men. can anyone help?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): i am the original poster of the question! thanks for your replys, can i just add that i know it wont have been because i smoke as he does too. and i only said about getting a bottle in as obviously with me finishing work late it doesnt leave alot of time to go out and with the no smoking in pubs ban it makes more sense to stop in.
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (6 February 2008):
 Hi,I dont really think saying "get a bottle in" is so bad. It wouldnt put me off, why should it. It's innocent enough.But there are a multitude of other factors here which could easily put a damper on the situation.1. You work to 11:30 pm. This could be off putting, its hard to date someone if they work to late at night, when would you be able to see that person?2. You smoke. I'm not judging here as I like the odd puff myself, but a lot of people these days see it as a dealbreaker.3.Your friend. If he fancies you or is overly protective, chances are he has warned this guy off.Anyone of the above 3 reason I beleive are the culprit.You've come out of an abusive relationship, take your time, try and meet people who you can at least get to know first before thinking about dating. With this guy the attraction was purely down to him looking at you and you obviously liking how he looked. I fear you could end up with another person who will treat you badly if this is good enough for you to start dating. You don't know this man, who he is , what is values are , merely that he looks at you. Join a club , an interest group, take a class in something fun or whatever, you will meet people and get to know them, maybe even a single man who shares the same interests and values as you.Set your sights higher, forget about this guy, he hasnt gotten back to you, if you have a history of being abused for God's sake don't chase men!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2008): I think that you should focus on making better choices and getting over why you were in and put up with an abusive relationship.
Men who are not dysfunctional will be - as he seemed to be- turned off by dysfunctional behavior.
Getting a "bottle in" is the equal to saying "I'm easy and a drunk and want to smoke" where he was just using "get a drink" as a way to spend time and get to know you.
I think you gave off some sleazy vibes without realizing it but it is because you are NOT used to being treated with class and probably because you don't believe you should be.
Nice, decent men want nice decent women.
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A
female
reader, Serinity  +, writes (6 February 2008):
 You could have thrown him off when you invited him to stay in and have drinks verses going out to have drinks. Did you tell him that you smoke and that's why you didn't want to go to a Pub? Maybe he prefers to date women who don't smoke. Or maybe he thinks you want to "stay in" with the intention of having sex. If your friend always gets jealous when other guys show an interest in you then maybe he likes you (more than a friend) and maybe he objected when he found out that his friend and you were considering going out or staying in for a drink. There are several possibilities here. I wouldn't chase him down or question him. I'd just let it go and if he call or texts you then you can pick it up from there and ask him if you said something to offend him. Seeing as you are fresh out of an abusive relationship, I wouldn't rush into another relationship anyway. Good luck!
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