A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I've had this wonderful connection with a man I met a year ago and I fell in love with him.. we had so much in common in our outlook on life. Though at times my common sense said he might be a player, and has a serial history of 3 marriages, two not even making it a year. And closed off his my space site when he realized I saw all the girls on it, though they seemed to be friends in his field. I get along so well with him and his family...and we've made some wonderful memories.Of recent, he did a couple of things that either freaked me out or hurt me. I may have overreacted. I sent him an email about the first and he thought I was breaking up with him... which I wasn't... but apparently it sounded like that... when I only meant that if he didn't want me I would let him off easy by being the one, if that was necessary. He took a movie of me without my permission and it freaked me out... he had been taking some photos and had quite a collection of past girls... and I'v never been a girl used... so when he escalated to the film, based on his active history, it seemed to me to be the finish of a collection on me to add. I sent a pretty hysteric email... and he was tramatized thinking I wanted to break up. Now, he's lost trust in me and is cautious, and deleted ALL our pics to prove a point... not just private ones but all of them, now some gone forever...under the guise that he didn't need the pics of me, just me. It seemed to be an over reaction to me to wipe out the beautiful pics too. I wasn't sure if it was really to prove his love but also to punish me for hurting him. Now he rarely takes any pics under the guise that I should be in control of this then. This is not what I wanted... I wanted just to keep my self respect and would have never agreed to that film.... he thought it was better to as forgiveness than permission... but that backfired on him. But now it seems I'm the bad guy to him. I even later went to his house to assure I still cared. Seems he wants to hang on to the hurt and says it will take a while. Was I wrong? End result he feels I hurt him unnecessarily... and now afraid, I think.To add insult to that, we've always been open and he felt safe to be open with me of his enthusiasm of other females in front of me, and I once watched him flirt in front of me at a social, as if I wasn't even in the room. He cruises the girl sites as a hobby, and gives out his card to prospective females he meets in his study groups... like he gave me one..when I met him. Generally, I didn't mind his window shopping... he's a man. But as a result I've became more sensitive to it. During our last special occasion together at a theatre event, a blonde sat down on his other side. And I thought to myself, he won't notice her, its our special nite and forgot about that blonde. It was only later while snuggling in bed that he brought her up and told me that he was tempted to figure how to play footsie with her in the theatre, while he was sitting next to me. I was double hurt.. one that is our special nite any perfect stranger can disrupt our moment, two that he'd be thinking of her and telling me in bed.... again at our time.When I brought it up a day later, he said he'd be more sensitive, but I think he now feels stiffled from acting like himself... he does like to flirt and always has. But of late it makes me wonder, how long would I be around till one of these chance encounters reciprocates...and then I've been a fool.Now, I'm regretting ever saying any thing about either one. He's now stopped saying he loves me. In one breath he says he's ok, but I can even hear a slightly lower tone in his voice. And tonight as he hung up... he said Sweet Dreams.... not I love you anymore.I don't know if he can actually compromise, though he says all relationships have them and he's ok to be more sensitive about me in the future. But in past he broke up with a girl that got tired of him looking as he told me he couldn't be himself. I feel like I've dug myself a hole. He's been faithful to me, I believe of past. I just feel like he's hiding his tendencies now.... nothing changed just I won't be able to see it.... Does he love me as he professed finally just a few months ago. Or has he decided, I'm just too much for him to deal with. He had trust issues that were sexually related in his last marriage that contributed to it breaking up in less than a year.I wish he could understand, I'm not "high maintenance" as he just labeled me... I'm a caring sensitive women that wants a man who finds me more special then every skirt. I feel so lost. I don't know if I'm being insecure and have ruined what we built or if his history of having his cake and eating it to will destroy our relationship and his future ones. He just loves women..... I wanted him to love me.... and now I'm afraid I pushed him away...when he said he wanted a life with me.I feel so bad, so lost. We were so happy before these two things happened. Was it destined to happen because of his unsatiable appetite for women OR should I have just kept my mouth shut and be grateful he was with me??
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (25 March 2009):
 You are obviously a very intelligent woman, and therefore I expect you to know the answer to the questions you present well in advance of anyone else on the board giving you their viewpoint. Basically this man has ground you down so your self esteem is trawling around your ankles. He has disrespected you in everyway, but you - as an adult woman of sound mind - must take responsibility for allowing this to happen. You have allowed him to let his eyes wander by accepting him looking at other women when he is out with you. If my husband looked at other women in a theatre, he would be walking very funny for a couple of months afterwards...before the doctors extracted all the popcorn I had shoved up...you can guess. You say you feel bad and lost but only you can blame yourself for this and you have the control to get over the situation by leaving a negative destructive relationship. This man is not going to change, his past relationship history reflects how he is! He shouldn't be making dodgy films or deleting all the photos just to make a point - that is classic control and manipulation within the context of him being disrespectful and having childish impulses. It is not a loving relationship but one where you rush after him trying to satisfy his needs while coping with anxiety over the relationship for all sorts of VALID reasons like fear he may cheat. Stop torturing yourself over this man, you are obviously a nice lady and you will find someone who treats you nice once you have got away from this user who drags you down. Being single is better than this.Good luck and be brave!!!
A
male
reader, Jason means Healer +, writes (25 March 2009):
Wow! Tell him he's a fiend.
Normal, or sex-fiend, I dunno.
But, never tire of trying to define your relationship.
It's what defines it...
...............................
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