A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Did I over react?Last night my boyfriend of two months picked me and my best female friend up after an evening out clubbing.Me and my mate had both had quite a bit to drink. My boyfriend said he would drop us both home. He dropped me off first as my friend only lives round the corner from him.About ten minutes after I got home I rang my friend to see how she was and she told me that she was at my boyfriends house having a drink! She said that she had asked him if she could go in because she did not want to go home and be on her own whilst she still felt drunk. I asked her to put my boyfriend on the phone - clearly I was very angry and I shouted at him asking what on earth is going on and why had he dropped me off and invited her in. He said he wouldn't talk about it whilst I was yelling and that he was going to bed. I then spoke to my friend and asked he to leave straight away - which she did.The next morning I went to see my friend. She told me that she had insisted on going into his house (which I believe because she is quite a handful after too much wine). She said that my boyfriend was just helping her out and that nothing happened (again I do believe this) BUT she said that he had told her she could only go into his if she didn't tell me about it because he didn't want me to get the wrong idea!!!Having heard this I sent my boyfriend a text and told him that I never want to see him again. It was a very angry and accusatory text which he hasn't replied to.My friend assures me that nothing happened and that my boyfriend's 15 year old son was in the room with them the whole time. I'm sure there was no malicious motives to it but I was so angry that she went to his and not me that I lost my temper and now I think he doesn't want to contact me because he thinks I don't trust him.Was I right to react in this way? It'snot the first time I have behaved jealously with him and I think he has had enough of my insecurities. Should I leave this alone or is there anything I could do to persuade him to give us another try?
View related questions:
clubbing, drunk, jealous, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): For what it's worth, I agree with the others. You had every right to be annoyed but your explosive reaction drew attention away from their wroing doing and planted the spotlight firmly on you.
It's not enough to do the right thing. We must be seen to be doing the right thing. Your boyfriend put you in the uncomfortable position of having to wonder. That was in very poor taste. Personally I get very suspicious of women who play damsel in distress especially with someone else's boyfriend so if you hadn't said anything I think she'd have taken greater liberties.
Since I can think of no reasonable explanation for their actions I would not have asked for one. Were it me, I would simply and calmly have made it clear, that if they both wanted to continue to enjoy a good relationship with me she better high tail it home and pronto and there must never be a repeat. Being clear but saying very little can have a powerful effect.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): I had a feeling this may be the case. If he won't even discuss things I don't see how you could have a deep meaningful relationship with him anyway. The mere fact he cannot apologise for his part says it all. Your friend has a lot to answer for too. Don't be surprised if he contacts you again. Be ready to stand your ground and explain where you went wrong too. If you don't hear from him see it as something that was not meant to be and learn to be less impulsive (like me!) next time. Relationships take work and effort and if he gives up so easily he's not worth it anyway.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your very good advice.
Unfortunately I don't think I can salvage this relationship. He doesn't want to talk to me. This is only in part because of my outburst as he doesn't seem to think he has done anything wrong! I feel very strongly that his behaviour was out of order and that he displayed very poor judgement that was disrespectful to me .
Things may have been different if I had kept my cool and asked him to explain himself but if he feels he is not in the wrong then I guess we're not going to be able to reconcile on this one.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 May 2011):
I do think you had cause to be angry. However, this was a huge overreaction and as a post below says - you skipped out the whole part where you give him the chance to explain himself. Realistically if you're jealous like this inside of two months of dating, then you need some kind of therapy to get over your jealous and insecure feelings before you can even consider dating again.
I know from personal experience that a jealous and insecure woman can be mentally and physically very hard to handle. It's exhausting continually answering questions, having your phone secretly searched, having to put up with accusations all the time. I lasted a two months before I ended it.
I think you first need to ask to talk to him - and I do mean talk, not shout and lose your temper. You need to explain calmly why you feel this way. You do have a cause here, but you need to be in control of your feelings.
And, of course, you need to be dealing with your insecurity. You'll lose man after man if you act jealously.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): Whats that humorous american tune called? Oh yeah. Blame the alcohol.I agree, an overreaction. However, your emotions of anger and jealousy are justified and the below readers pinpointed some great thoughts. Solid advice. Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): Your friend should not have asked, and your bf should have refused. Of course, anyone in your situation would be angry. It seems you skipped a step though, of asking him to explain himself (confronting him about telling your friend not to tell you). You went straight from yelling at him as soon as you found out, to texting him saying you never wanted to see him again.If you have behaved jealously enough in 2 MONTHS to think you might have pushed him over the edge, that's not a good sign for you. As for what to do about things now, it depends how much you want to give things another try. You could wait for him to apologize first, or you could tell him you're sorry you yelled at him, you were really upset, and you would like to sit down and have a civilized talk about it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): Your friend had no right to ask to go into his house, drunk or not I wouldn't dream of it and your boyfriend was naive to tell her not to mention it to you. I think its about control of your emotions here. You felt threatened by the situation and upset and angry. He couldn't cope with your outburst so is ignoring you. It depends what sort of guy he is. If he is stubborn he will insist he has done nothing wrong (he has). Best to talk it out when he has stopped sulking and you have calmed down. I would be angry too and react in the same way so you are not alone.
...............................
|
