A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So, there is (or rather, was) this girl with whom I am platonically infatuated with whom I had a previous rapport with (i had actually asked her out once before with disastrous results) whom I asked out on a date about a year or so ago...after a number of dates (were i pampered her somewhat) things weren't progressing (no physical contact, she didn't seek me out) so I pulled out, and left for a year due to work/study reasons...during all this time we kept contact, the banter being flirtatious...however I chalked this up to her just looking for attention...near the year's end I came back and we seemingly hit it off, with us kissing, hanging out all the time, her friends seemingly aware beforehand of there being something between us...however I was wary of her intentions...maybe due to this wariness, or my infatuation or rampant alcohol consumption (we partied a lot during this time), idk, i started arguments a couple of times, once for her not being (more) physically affectionate and another time because i was jealous due to rumors (not serious ones however). Both times I was somewhat brash and offensive (the second time she stopped speaking to me)and both times i seeked her out to apologize...she accepted my apology, saying i was "on parole"...At this point I had to leave once again for a month's time...we left as an unofficial couple...however things seemed to have cooled off (we didn't keep in nearly as much contact as before, with her occasionally ignoring my texts) and she didnt even text me for my bday...in retrospect this was probably a clear warning sign...however the next time i was in town for the weekend, she contacted me, i couldnt resist and asked her out...things seemed fine... When I finally returned for good, i decided to be aggressive...keeping my distance somewhat so as to not come across as clingy mind...things seemed even better than before for a couple of dates but then came a dramatic cool-off...at this point i lost my cool and started to chase her...nothing dramatic (no leaving 8 phone messages at 3 am or something of the ilk) but still...there was a push/pull thing between both parts going on...i couldnt take the game playing anymore so when we finally went out on another date i came true about my feelings and asked her what was up...she said that she didnt want to rush things and that we were fine going out as we were...We went out on another date after this one (which seemed to go fine, even if i was a bit nervous), with there being no mention of the feelings thing but then she seemed to pull away...she answered a text message i sent her a week later a day late...i rang her up on her bday once to congratulate her but she didnt answer...at this point i said...screw it...My question is, did i mess up somehow or was she just using me for the ego boost? How can i prevent this kind of thing from happening? Here are the points in favor of each side (ive obviously overanalyzed this way too much...hey i'm on vacation)MESSED UP: * the whole pouting, offensive thing...not only was i offensive, it showed that i cared way too much about her early on*she asked me whether i had any flings in my time out of town...i did have a number of them, with one of them (a one night stand) being quite evident to friends of her...I denied anything thinking it wasn't time to discuss any of this...thinking that if there was a latter time i'd discuss it then.*A lot of sexual innuendo from my part...not anything too gross but still...*She comes off as a bit reserved and dresses a bit conservatively...is a heavy drinker though*The whole, pampering her, helping her in her studies, chasing her and telling her i had feelings for her (which i do, i really do) thing...even though this came after a lot of stuff had happened between us...i still think it was too soon.*I didn't call her up on a lot of her childish game-playing...cause you're not supposed to right?*The whole, platonic thing...though keep in mind i never complimented her on her beauty (though i wanted to really really badly) and didnt mention anything about serious feelings until the end there*After i told her i had feelings for her she apologized for a picture of her she had posted on her BBM showing her with an old, old flame of hers saying that she didnt mean anything by it...afterwards she took it off and hasnt posted it again (she used to regularly before that)*Call me old fashioned but the whole kissing thing! I really liked kissing her, i think she did too, we had fun kissing each other! And i don't think its more intimate than you know what but personally i only do intense kissing with people i REALLY like...*USED: *she didn't even so much as text me in my bday...i made a point of it to not show i cared about this...but i did dammit*After the (awesome) second date i was like 7 times out of ten always the one to initiate contact*The whole, hot n cold thing*The whole, "let's not rush things", thing*The whole, not caring about my time and efforts thing (during that cool off period she flaked on me a number of times, not caring about the time i had set off for her) and making me chase her, thingSorry if i'm a bit long winded and tend to pore over evry single detail...it's just that that's the way i am and i actually care about this girl even though i know i really shouldnt...i mean, i don't want a girlfriend if she's not the one that'll take that title...yeah, serious immaturity and entitlement issues and all...i'm stupid like that...
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the feedback, aunt_honesty. I understand what you say, i definitely feel as though i overreacted drastically, however, in my defense (not trying to justify my f'up m ind, just trying to get you to see where im coming from) i believe i acted the way i did because of all the times she had been disrespectful towards me...even though tiny, stupid things triggered my f-up i believe it was more of a snowball effect. What im trying to say is, i usually like to think of myself as a level headed guy, but this girl's playing games just made me reach a breaking point of sorts. I mean, this has been going on for so long, with me walking out from her so many times (not trying to be a 'playa' the last time mind), thinking that that would be the last id see her, yet she always seeks me out, only to behave in the same flaky, hot-and-cold manner she does...and you cant say i havent been direct with her, ive told her i have feelings for her...
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 October 2012):
 If you want me to be completely honest with you then I would say you blew this way out of proportion. If it was me I would be quite annoyed with you as well. You allowed her to have the tickets therefore she just wanted to know if you where able to go with her or if she should make other arrangements with someone else. That to me is legit enough and I think you took it much to personally. When it came then to her sleeping well she was honest with you and told you she was tired and going for a sleep. She told you to contact her before you left in case she was still asleep therefore you should have listened to her instead of just going over to her. You then went on to rant and rave at her and again if I was her I would have throwing the ticket to you as well and never spoke to you again. You need to calm down and take things slowly and maybe control your emotional issues as well. If I am honest with you, I doubt things are going to work between you both.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHa. Hi again. Well, it's been some time since my last post...i took your advice, went on a couple of dates, things were looking/feeling real good...however, as usual, something happened and things are once again looking dire.What basically happened was, a series of silly, trivial things added up in my mind and ended up ^^^^^^ me off and reminding me of all the crap this girl has dealt me, with a subsequent verbal explosion in my part...during our second date since the whole reunion deal, we won tickets for a show...or rather, I won, seeing as i had been the one to pay for everything (it was a movie night deal). The girl kept the ticket, and I really, REALLY didnt mind this...originally. The thing is, at that time i thought i'd be leaving again for work/study reasons at the show's date, so we jokingly commented about that, with me saying that i'd sell the tickets rather than let her use them, she saying that she was thinking about whom to invite...blah blah (this is one of the things i like about this girl, we have a great rapport and are always joking around and stuff).K, the date ended, with us sharing a nice good night kiss (this is something else that weirds me out about this girl; during dates she doesnt even let me touch her, hold her hand, hug her, whatever, but we always french kiss good night, only when i drop her off..and im ok with that, i respect her private space...its just weird is all), and i left with that usual floaty feel i get when i see this woman! We were set to go on a date 2 nights later, but then shi^^^t (as usual) happened...The next day, she texted me saying she wished i had gotten home fine, etc. However, during the afternoon, she texted me asking me when i was leaving town cause of work, i replied and joked about her having "something special" in store for me the day i was leaving...she (jokingly?) replied saying that she only did it cause she wanted to know who she was going to the show with...and this is where i got po'd.I mean, just reading that made me upset, i mean, sure, i had no problem with her keeping the ticket (it was just for a movie showing, nothing too expensive), but her apparent eagerness to just about go with anyone else just made me think of her as disloyal and uncaring. Also, the fact that she seemingly had just decided to keep the ticket to herself without even asking me for it just reeked of spoilt manners. We joked around a bit more, me giving her the benefit of the doubt and assuming that she was joking, and set a date for the next day.Well, the general gist of this is, i was upset about the whole ticket deal; i called her personally (no text messages this time) to set the hour i was gonna pick her up; she said that she was tired from work at the hospital and that shed rest for a while, saying that i should call her before i left to pick her up; i did, she didnt answer, thinking that it was typical of her (shes done this whole falling asleep thing to me like 3 times already) but i said, ^^k it, im getting my tickets; i get there, call her repeatedly getting no answer on my phone, until 20 minutes later, she saying that she had JUST woken up...Add that to the whole ticket deal and you'll maybe see why i was angry/upset, so i decided to wait for her to get ready, and then tell her that we werent going anywhere and that i just wanted my ticket back...When she got on the car, apart from doing that, i confronted her verbally....i didn't raise my voice or say anything (well, directly) offensive mind...among other things, i did tell her that i wasnt kidding when i said that i had feelings for her 2 months ago, but i could see that she just didnt seem to care about the way she treated me, treating me worse than a dog, told her that i made her get ready even though i knew we werent going anywhere so that she could see for once what its like to make people waste their time, also asking her why she seeked me out after all this time if she seemingly didnt feel anything for me, was i just some pawn in a nefarious plan of hers (yeah i said nefarious)...after i vented i asked her whether she had any thoughts on the matter, to which she said she didnt...well, after that she chucked the ticket at me, saying that she was just joking about the ticket, got off the car, bid me good night, i did the same... the next night i texted her apologizing for my behavior, nevertheless saying that there were some things i did mean to say...she didnt reply.What i want to know is, are my complaints legitimate? Also, what does the fact that she didnt say anything after i vented like a little ^^^ch mean? Was she offended/mad or just doesnt care (about the nicest thing she said to me was that she really did want to go with me, but that she was tired)? Am I just too impatient or is she playing games with me? I know the obvious thing is to just abandon this thing altogether, but i really really like this girl even though i feel she doesnt care...
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (14 October 2012):
If I am honest with you it really is hard to tell where this girl is coming from. I suggest you take things slow this time though, go out on a few dates and have a laugh, enjoy each others company and see if it kicks off this time. Maybe she has been fighting feelings for you and she was just afraid of meeting up with you after the way she treated you in the past. The mind can be a funny thing and can make us do the opposite of what we really want to do as we are afraid of the things we done in the past or simply just nervous.
I am glad you both had a good time and hopefully it is the start of the both of you being on the correct path. Just please do me a favour and do not get your hopes up as I would hate to see this girl hurting you again, so the only way around this is yes you are right for now avoid confrontation and just enjoy each others company. The best thing to do now for a while is just look at it like a new beginning and try and forget things negative from the past.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni know i'm bordering on annoyance, but there's been developments...once again. MAJOR ones, so hear me out...OK, basically the lady in question asked me out once again...this time to the movies, saying that there was a foreign flick she really wanted to see...my pride and self-esteem said "no, no F*CK no" but my umm...heart or lymbic system or whatever said "sure baby"...guess which one won out in the end. I told her I couldn't on the same day, so she agreed to wait for me until the next daySo we ended up going out, things felt as good as/better than before; maybe it was all in my head but there was a palpable sense of longing/reconciliation/what have you...she apparently made the fact that we were going on a date a somewhat public fact, posting stuff on her messenger profile and crap like that (when i was going to pick her up she posted some lyric along the lines of "not knowing i missed you so much until i saw you"), if she's been dating other men, she hasn't done the same for them...In light of these facts, i didnt think it prudent to do the whole confrontative thing. I mean we had a great time,so when it came time to say goodbye i just sealed it with a kiss...I mean, what the HELL is going on here? Is she just messing with me, or does she want something with me? I mean, 2 months of radio silence and now she's all lovey-dovey? Am I the only one to gleam the cognitive dissonance in that one? You'd think that she missed the attention or something like that, but why then blow me off those past couple of times we were gonna meet up recently?This is all beyond rational human behaviour for me now...any thoughts, suggestions, interpretations are appreciated
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your feedback once again, aunt honesty. Looking back now i truly understand what you meant by saying that i was taking things way too fast, maybe thats why i feel burdened by this whole deal...sure, there may be plenty fish out there but its soulcrushingly hard to come by someone you really really like (especially when you're shy AND introverted like me) and to think that i had that and just stupidly squandered it away it just...it just kills me dammit.
However, this girl's very disrespectful, at times unladylike (or well, spoilt lady like) attitude gave me pause when considering the whole, take it slow, wait it out angle. Jeez, it embarasses me to say I harbor feelings for this girl, it just makes me think i have self esteem issues...
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (4 October 2012):
You are letting this eat away at you and get to you. Yes I think it is a good idea that you get closure on this. It is rude of her to just ignore you when you ask her out, and the same goes for the concert. To me that shows totally lack off respect towards you. But I do agree with you, you need closure on this before it tears you apart.
Be honest with her and tell her how you feel about her. Explain to her you do not want to be messed about and you just want a straight answer from her either way so you know where you stand. If she doesn't bother responding then I suggest deleting all methods of contact and removing her from your life completely.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBUMP. OK, so its been a bit more than a month since i wrote this, and nearly 2 months since i last saw the miss in question romantically...the reason im writing this new reply is that there have been...developments...and once again i dont know where things stand...be warned, my post will (as usual) be anally detailed, as i'd like you to get a complete picture of things and my stupid, stupid (how i hate them) feelings... You see, i went along with the whole, move on, forget about her plan...for about a month...there only was one problem though...she had some stuff of mine that i wanted back...it could've been replaced but i wasnt about to give free stuff to this temptress that had so cruelly f'ed with my heart and head, and well, yes, i wanted to see those odiously pretty little eyes of her again, if only for one last time...so i contacted her about it, which seemed to spur communication a bit again...due to scheduling conflicts, we didnt meet up right off the bat...in the meantime, we did chat via messenger a bit regularly...I didnt go out of the way to spur convo with her mind you, she was the one that would initiate. There was this bizarre instance where at about 7 PM on a sunday evening she sent a picture of her smiling and holding a baby,saying that i should learn how to calm babies in my arms, just like her. Paging Dr Freud,we've got a patient on room 6...OK, so maybe this is just my obsession and paranoia talking, but WHO SENDS SHIT LIKE THAT to someone who's been somewhat frank about being interested in making babies with you, if you're not interested in the same thing? Who sees a baby and thinks, hmm, i should send a pic of me holding it to that guy i went out with but dont really like...to me, that sort of sh*t just screams, PUT A BABY IN ME to an eager mind...OK, I know, obsessive paranoia speaking...OK, so eventually we met up to exchange my stuff...as usual, she made me wait like a dog, however, when we met up things weren't near as awkward as i expected...we were all joking and all smiley smile and laughy laugh (well SHE was, i rarely if ever smile/laugh, stone faced sarcasm is my "forte")...i had a friendly demeanor, not making any efforts on my part to come onto her sexually, try to kiss her or anything like that...after about 10 minutes of jokey chatter i said goodbye and left, heartbroken and thinking that that was that...Until two days later, when, during the evening, she started messaging me out of the f'in blue, asking me out on an upcoming 40$ ticket big act concert that was coming up in 2 weeks...she didnt say anything about me buying her the ticket, and i was planning to go anyway, so i acquiesced...her messenger status seemed to indicate that she was out drinking with friends when she said this, so i didnt doubt her earnestness, in fact i got a glow in my heart fantasizing that maybe she had been talking about me and her friends suggested that to her...this was it i thought, she missed me as i had missed her...but then i thought about her history of flakishness and thought...hmmm (foreshadowing alert).Well, the 2 weeks went by tortously, i had meant to ask her out in that time so as to ease into things, but there was a family crisis and there wasnt money for that (I live with my possibly divorcing parents, am between terms)...i thought about our reunion during every single waking hour, however, nary a word was exhanged between us, until sunday before the concert that is...The night before i had noticed that she was suddenly missing from my messenger contacts (this is portable messaging were talking about here)...this obviously had upon my emotions the effect of an atom bomb...however i waited until late sunday morning to ask her what was up through a different message service..she said that her contacts had "misteriously" disappeared and that her backup had restored everyone of them save mine...weird i thought...she added me again, i asked her whether she had gotten her ticket yet..she said no, she didnt say anything about not going mind you...So well, i somehow managed to scrounge up the money to buy the expensive as hell ticket until the day before said concert...thats when i asked her whether she was going the next day...well you know what comes next.She feigned ignorance on the matter, saying that she had a late shift on the next day, i jokingly told her she was always unlucky like that (even tho i was pissed/disappointed i didnt show it...the magic of messaging), she said that she wouldnt have gone anyway...i thought, well, knew it, it was all a ruse.However, a couple of days later she messaged me out of nowhere asking me how the concert had been...we chatted well into the night, as we did on the next day. At this point I thought that maybe there was still something going on, so i decided to ask her to the movies to clear any doubts...she ignored my first question, resumed chatting like 4 hours later talking about how hard her day had been, i went on chatting with her a bit until i asked her again, she just said what movie is that, then she read and ignored my answer...after about 30 minutes of having read it, she changed her status to something she had posted one time i had asked her out, a smiley with curly eyebrows and another with a huge smile...i thought...what a bitch...shes seeing someone else and couldnt even say 'no' to me...however, the next day she resumed chatting as if nothing had happened! However i replied to her about 6 hours later...she didnt reply anything...thats the last i've heard from her.OK, as you can see from my last paragraph, worthy of a confused teenager (im well into my 3rd decade of life) this is slowly eating at me like acid...i've been depressed as all hell since then...at first i thought that she is just a massive, immature, unworthy bitch, but in my depression i've come to think of the following question:Is she pretending to be a bitch because she's confused about my intentions or is she just a bitch? I mean, what if she's acted like a bitch all this time because she thinks I'm only after something sexual with her? I remmeber when things were good, she asked me whether i had seen anybody else in the interim, to which i lied, thinking that i'd have time to clear things up later on...her friends could've easily told her the truth.So, I've been thinking, about coming clean and telling her that i REALLY DO care about her and I REALLY DO have feelings for her (i did this once, maybe she thought it a ruse?), and ask her what the hell is going on with her. I mean, the way i see it, I've liked her for so long, if she finally tells me to f off it can only be a good thing, as i'll finally be able to move on, whereas if i dont, she probably won't speak to me either but ill always think i stand a chance...this is eating at me tortously slowly...SHOULD I DO IT? SHOULD I CONFRONT HER ABOUT HOW I REALLY FEEL, ONCE AGAIN?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2012): Most people are doing the best they can, given what they know and understand. Including you. If they knew more and were aware of more, they would do things differently
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the feedback, aunt honesty...I guess you're right, which really sucks, as I really liked this girl...I can't quite shake the feeling that i was led on somewhat though, I mean, this girl had known me from such a long time, she had to know what to expect...ok I'm not a psycho or anything but I am somewhat moody, introverted and 'eccentric'! But well, so is she...the thing is, she's a girl (and an unbelievably gorgeous one at that) so she doesnt have to do anything at all to not be alone and have her pick of the field, whereas you know how society deals with the introverted males (even 'good looking' ones...I personally don't think so but my female acquaintances always say it!). We used to joke about us having kids and how disastrous it would be, and however humorous it was, she was the only girl I've met that'd make me actually even consider the idea, even with all our glaring flaws... when I came back I thought that she'd end up with me and we would make it work...oh well...
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (23 August 2012):
I think you are both to blame hear really, nobody is in the right or the wrong. You might not have felt like you where possessive but she sounds like she is a quite reserved girl who likes to take things slow, I think you wanted things to move to fast for her, you referred to things of a sexual nature, you got aggressive to her early on and plus you where going out of the country a lot as well. It is not a great basis for a relationship to start on therefore I guess that might be part of the reason why she did not want a relationship with you.
I don't believe she was using you, I think she was just giving herself a chance to get to know you, and then she made up her mind that a relationship with you was just not what she wanted. You need to accept that now. It's doubtful she is ever going to be your girlfriend, so you need to accept that now and move on.
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