A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I know this is long, but I hope someone takes the time, I really need some advise. I am a 48 year old single mom. I work a lot and don’t have much of a social life, but I do have a few good friends and I get out when I can. Since one of my children is an adult and the other is 17, I also enjoy getting out and doing a lot of activities with them that are also areas of interest for me. A few months ago I went out to the smoke area at work and overhead a coworker that I have known for a long time on a casual basis speaking to someone else about a breakup he recently had with his boyfriend of 5 years. I guess he didn’t know I was standing there and when he looked over he laughed nervously, and said “Oh, you probably think I crazy.” I knew he wasn’t sure if I was going to be judgemental about the fact that he is gay. I wanted to put his mind at ease, so I just said “Oh, I’m used to it. My daughter’s best friend who practically lives with use has more men problems then me and both of my daughters put together”. I was telling the truth, but really wanted him to know that he was safe to talk around me and too me if he needed to. After that we suddenly became inseparable. We started IM each other all day at work, scheduling our smoke breakers together and once we discovered that we only lived 10 mins away from each other he started inviting me over his house to work on snow days, we went to the gym together and even went shopping together. We never made any plans to go out on a Friday night and hang out as friends, but he is a 30 year old gay guy and a an a 48 year old straight woman, so we probably didn’t have similar Friday night kind of interests or maybe we just haven’t gotten around to finding common ground yet. Either way, I loved our friendship and did everything a good friend should do. I was there for him through his down times after his break-up, I supported him through a diet and even brought him little surprises to work to help him not cheat, I checked on him and helped him through some health issues, I showed up at some public theater plays he was acting in and even brought my friends to show support and when he started seeing someone new, I there to give advice and listen to all the stories about him and his boyfriend that he couldn’t wait to tell me on Monday morning. I was as good of a friend as I knew how to be and this was only over a 6 month time spand. Eventually when he made things official with his new boyfriend, and also quit smoking we started seeing less and less of each other. Most of our interactions have been through texts or IMs at work. He does not always come across very well in this way of communicating. Actually he can be a bit over opinionated and even demeaning face to face, but I always gave him the bevifot of the doubt and we were able to quickly clear things up. However, some of the things he says through written communication are so small that I feel silly that they bother me, yet they still do. I feel and have felt that we need to talk face to face about these things and clear the air for the sake of our friendship, but over the past five weeks he hasn’t been able to clear even an hour in his schedule for me. If I say hey, we should talk he wills say things such as “You know I’m busy with work and I have my boyfriend now and I’m a people pleaser so I like to stay busy, but we’ll have to schedule something, yet he can never just give me a time and by highlighting all these important things in his life, I feel he is actually minimizing me and highlighting the fact that our friendship is not all that important to him any longer now that he is back on top, but if in the further he needs my friendship again “he will schedule me in”. Last week we were doing our usually IM-omg each and he was talking about his he was frazzled because his birthday party was coming up and he had so much to do. I of course offered to help, but then he came back and said “my friends are helping”. I found that to be hurtful, but I blew it off. Wothin the same conversation he also spoke of his new boyfriend’s birthday coming up and how he wanted to make him a cake. He said that his boyfriend was working on the 18th, so if I had the time and didn’t mind... this sounded very much like he was asking me for help with the cake. But he kept going back and fourth from “we” making the cake to “I” (himself) making the cake. He was confusing me and I didn’t know what he wanted so I just said “ Are you asking me to come over and help with the cake? I am happy to hel, but you are not being clear.” He then said “Well I don’t think it will be as special I don’t make it myself for him. Do you? Maybe you can just help me plan.” This made me feel like he felt I was trying to push my way in his plans and he needed to put me in my place or something. And the the “how about if you just help me plan” part made me feel like I was a child getting in the way or something. Plan a cake? He is the one who asked me to come over to begin with, so why act like I’m being pushy when I ask for clarification? Anyway, he does this oftern. After that I was pissed and started giving him one word answers. I guess he caught on because he stopped by my desk before he left work that day and I didn’t feel work was the right place to talk about this, so I bit my tounge, but he could still tell something was wrong. When he left work he called me at my desk adnd kept asking what was wrong. I finally just came out and told him that some things he says to me just come access as very condescending and demeaning. He started to say, yet again, that is why he doesn’t like communicating via text because sometimes things can be taken out of context. I told him that in order to have a face to face talk two people have to care enough to make themselves available and I had been asking him for 5 weeks. Anyway, I was completely uncomfortable having this conversation at my desk where all my co-workers could hear so I told him I was going to smoke and he said he needed to think about how to respond to this because he didn’t want to make things worse, but this was last Wed. And I haven’t heard from him since. I know we can both see each others “green lights” on the computer while we are working so we both know we are sitting one department always from each other. I’m not raaching put to him because he said he wanted to think and I don’t want to seem pushy or like a stalker. Part of me feels silky for even getting upset about things he has said, but at the same time I don’t have these problems with other or in my life and he has had a couple of friends either react badly to him or just end friendships with him and he does t know why, but he always seems to think those people are just bad people or somehow psycho. He has also expressed that he is already having some communication problems with his new boyfriend. This all makes me feel like I’m not being so silly and this is a problem with him. Either way, if he hasn’t even tried to contact me when I am clearly available does this mean the friendship is over? We’re we even friends to begin with? I miss him and this is really bothering me.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (15 May 2019):
 Sweetheart, friendship is a TWO WAY street, or at least it SHOULD be. This relationship you have with this guy is totally one-sided - he calls all the shots.
You appear to have a very strong maternal streak but that does not mean everyone you meet wants, needs or should be mothered. He was quite happy to accept your attention when he wanted to unload but now that he is in a better place again, he does not have time for you.
Google "Friend for a reason, friend for a season, friend for life" to throw some light on what happened here. He was definitely the first. Perhaps YOU used HIM as well because you needed to feel needed now that your daughters need you less?
Nobody is so busy they have no time for you. You are simply no longer on his list of priorities because you are of no current use to him. When someone makes it obvious that you are not important to them, you need to LISTEN and walk away. He has made it quite plain that he is not interested in a friendship with you. Before he labels YOU as a "psycho" as well, walk away. Be friendly if you bump into him, be professional at work (as you always should be) but put this "friendship" behind you. It was a sprint rather than a marathon.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2019): Just a last follow up to everyone who commented. I reading your comments and thinking things over, I decided to send my “friend “ one final message. I know that some of you said to speak to him directly or not at all, but this is a touchy situation because at this point the only place we will see each other is at work. I sent this message for two reasons. 1.) He was by all appearances giving me the silent treatment or at the very least taking his time to get back to me. I felt this was giving him a level of control and power in this situation that he doesn’t deserve. If he didn’t think saving the friendship was a priority, then I wanted to be the one to step in and end it. 2.) It was getting to the point where it would be completely awkward to bump into each other at work in front of others and have to pretend like everything was okay and we were still good friends. Now we both know where we stand and we can both be “all business” at work. The message is below. Please let me know if you think I did the right thing.
I’m not sure if sending this is the right thing to do, but if you haven’t gotten back to me by now, I’m left to assume that our friendship is over. If that is what it is, then so be it. I don’t regret knowing you or the time we spent together. I do however think it is very unfair of you to leave me hanging when you know I still have things left unsaid, so I am saying them now. What you do with this is up to you. There have been many things that you have said to me, that bothered me a lot. Some things were small and I just tried to give you the benefit of the doubt and blow them off. Other things were outright hurtful. I wanted to believe that this was a communication problem and perhaps you just were not aware of how some things you say are perceived by others. I thought just a talk would clear it all up. But when I told you I needed to have this talk with you and you suddenly had no time left for me, the message you were sending about where I stand with you and what my friendship actually meant to you came through loud and clear. How can you possibly say that your ex gave you such anxiety problems by giving you the silent treatment and never allowing your voice to be heard and then turn around and do the same to me. I have been good friend to you and that is all I ever set out to do. Pointing out the fact that you have said things that bothered me and asking you for some of your time to work it out for the sake of what I thought was OUR friendship doesn’t make me abusive, uncivilized, psycho or even a bad person. It makes me a person who expects to be treated with the same care, concern and respect that I have always given to you. I will add that this talk probably could have benefited you far more then me. I am not the one leaving a trail of friends behind and wondering why. I guess you can blame it on me all you want, but if you ever decide to rewind our “friendship” in your mind you will see who was actually there for you 100% when you needed a friend the most. Perhaps things like that are not valuable to you when you no longer need them. However, what you want to believe is up to you. The reality is you just lost another person in your life who was there for you and cared about you. I will always remain professional towards you at work, as I know you will me and I will always wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2019): Honey pie has the nail hit on the head. To me he's a user .. to an extent . Your convenient when he wishes you to be but not a true friend .
Just relax don't be so readily available when he is and please he will come back these types always do . Just breathe and be thankful you could have wasted more time on him
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2019): Thank you both for your responses. I was feeling so confused earlier sitting at work seeing his green light on and wondering if he actually thought I did something wrong to him or if maybe I somehow did do something wrong which had me considering if I should reach out to him to clear things up. I’m glad I came here first. I have been through a lot of abuse in my life and I rarely let anyone in. When I met him he showed me so much kindness and constantly told me how much he appreciated my friendship. It made me feel close to him and “safe” knowing that frindship was all he wanted and there was no motive attached..All I wanted was to be a good friend and be there for him, but when I needed something from him a small as just a little bit of his time to clear some things up and he didn’t care that he was making me feel bad with the things he was saying to me and he was making me feel like I was so unimportant because he suddenly couldn’t find the time, it was as if I was a horrible person who had done something wrong to him just for pointing this out. I was nothing but kind to him md I am feeling much better about myself now after reading your comments. Thank you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2019): Thank you both for your responses. I was feeling so confused earlier sitting at work seeing his green light on and wondering if he actually thought I did something wrong to him or if maybe I somehow did do something wrong which had me considering if I should reach out to him to clear things up. I’m glad I came here first. I have been through a lot of abuse in my life and I rarely let anyone in. When I met him he showed me so much kindness and constantly told me how much he appreciated my friendship. It made me feel close to him and “safe” knowing that frindship was all he wanted and there was no motive attached..All I wanted was to be a good friend and be there for him, but when I needed something from him a small as just a little bit of his time to clear some things up and he didn’t care that he was making me feel bad with the things he was saying to me and he was making me feel like I was so unimportant because he suddenly couldn’t find the time, it was as if I was a horrible person who had done something wrong to him just for pointing this out. I was nothing but kind to him md I am feeling much better about myself now after reading your comments. Thank you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2019): Typo correction:
"If it's a bad-day for you, he's no place to be found!"
"Stay distant, work-professional, and aloof."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2019): My dear, your fickle gay work-buddy has personality-flaws. He has bad-manners, and a condescending arrogant-attitude.
Sorry to say, but he falls under the category of the "stereotypical gay-man!" Needs you when he needs you; and when he has a boyfriend, you'll suddenly become disposable! Invisible! He's flippant and catty, and makes you feel he's doing you a favor by being your friend. It's actually the other way around; but his type are a little on the delusional-side.
Take it with a grain of salt! I'm gay, and I have often encountered that personality-type; but I never really allow myself to get too attached. They'll get on your nerves.
You have a strong sense of loyalty and commitment. If he has a new boyfriend, and he's already having relationship problems; let that speak for itself!
He doesn't value your friendship; until he needs something, or wants a shoulder to cry on. Somebody to appease the drama queen!
Of course this poor-behavior isn't especially common or typical only among gay-people; it's a general attitude-issue in people as a whole. The vast-majority of people these days lack interpersonal-skills; and don't know how to play fair!!! They only appreciate you when they have a use for you. You simply don't ingratiate yourself to people who treat you in such a way. You have to stay on your toes!
You must call him out on it! He will be surprised and shocked; as if you're crazy! It will gain you more respect; and he'll appreciate you for it in due-time. You have to turn him on his ear; to let him know you're not a sucker or a pushover, just because you're a tolerant and friendly straight-lady! He can take his superior buttocks down off his shoulders! Quote me if you'd like to!
He's getting campy on you, that's rude and crude. Bring him down a few pegs!
You don't pout or take the abuse. You should give him a call; and insist on discussing a matter of importance to you. He is dismissive when he knows you have something to say. If you'll allow it; he'll pull that clever move incessantly. He purposely cornered you at work, knowing you couldn't speak freely. This was to embarrass you. A bitchy little stunt...and it was a way to censor you. It was quite condescending and treating you like a foolish child. Don't be one! You're a dignified and sophisticated human-being; and you must insist he treat you accordingly! Gay or straight, insist that men respect you!
You haven't lost a friend. With him you've never really had one, my dear. He's what you call a "fair-weather friend!" One who seems like a friend today, and tomorrow it's as if he hardly knows you! It it's a bad-day for you, he's no place to be found!
Lay-down some rules and boundaries regarding common-courtesy. Tell him to his face, don't do it by text or IM. If he keeps ignoring you; suck it up, and just break it off! Stay distant, work-professional, and aloft. It's not worth losing sleep over; and it's useless to value someone as a friend, who doesn't reciprocate your kindly sentiments.
He's going to lose another boyfriend; and he'll be right-back knocking at your door, looking for sympathy. He's self-centered and a tad narcissistic. You have to take a more assertive-stance with people like him. You'll gain his respect, and he'll cease to take you for granted. If he cancels the friendship, it's his loss...not yours! Don't be mistreated to hold-on to someone as a friend, who doesn't hold you to the highest regard!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 May 2019):
 I am sorry, but I think it's a good thing this "friendship" is winding down.
If he KNOWS that he comes across demanding and demeaning over text, he ought to just TAKE a little more care of what he types. THAT isn't hard to do.
And I also think you were the "intermission entertainer" - with that I mean he was FRESHLY single and wanted someone to fuss over him and treat him nicely but in a way that WASN'T romantic, which is why YOU were a great pick.
He is one of those people who EASILY makes friends but isn't good at KEEPING friends. Think Mr. Wickham from Pride and Prejudice :) Charming enough to MAKE friends but not engaged or invested in the friendships.
If someone gives you "hints" IGNORE them. WAIT for them to just spell it out. Be it a request to help them bake a cake or plan a party.
I think YOU got a little TOO invested here. Because you are a NICE person and you WANT to be a good friend. Here is the thing though, friendships (like relationships) ought to be a two-way street. Not just ONE person always taking care of the other. And that is the mistake you made. You gave in 10-fold and he just kind took without reciprocating much other than being your text buddy and occasionally hanging out when it SUITED him.
You went a little... mother-hen on him. He is 30.
Just pull back and focus on your REAL friends, Keep it civil at work but lower your expectations for WHAT you might actually get out of this.
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