A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Husband and I shared 11 years before we married in 2000, giving us 21. He was a social butterfly always needing to be around people. For the past 18 years he did make all decisions, took control of everything, he was the type needing to be in control. I was busy trying to be the follower and understanding one. until we got in the situation of finance. He would work, and yet not enough to support. We moved from Maui after 10 years, begging him I don't think its a good idea because my family live in Oahu.. headstrong like always we moved. My parents are old and father is sick needed my help, obedient as I am, I told my parents I will help. I expressed to my husband I cannot let them down and will help them. We lived separate from my parents and as he worked I went to help, coming home before him and making sure things were done before he and 3 daughters were as well. He never tells me anything and he come and goes as he pleased. Walking on eggshells, cant make my self look good without him complaining. I just went with his moods and motion within the last 3 years, he became more demanding, more moody and so distant, and I was busy dealing with eldest daughter (17) who has depression, and middle daughter (9) behaviorial issue ADHD and impulsive behaviors, and youngest (4)who is learning to be like all of them. and caring for a diabetic/dialysis parent on the other hand other parent having to be in depression. And husband non supportive in all aspects, other then working but income not helping. I am mid 40s, tired as hell, frustrated and unhappy, yet strong to move and make it happened for my family. Back in may of 09 he moved back to maui with his mom and sister and for job reason. It was good and great for me because I could get the girls settled and no stress. Things ran hard and eventually settled, not knowing husband was going through a rough time, he never spoke of it, nor did I ask, he always brushed me off, never wanting me to talk things out and trying to help him. Within the years I became accustomed to him and how he was. I just became so tired of all the work of showing love, making it happen for him that I as guilty did not know how to be, who to be and how to help which it did not matter. He was his own kind and only for his kind. We lived apart for almost 2 years,because he moved us back and forth,eldest was graduating in 2 years(2011) and middle girl school was providing her program to help with learning struggle. Baby girl was just following the family. He claims he tried to talk and ask for help, I am guilty, did not know that because he was very unpredictable, always complaining and never satisfied no matter what I did and if I knew. I grew tired of his actions, and me being overwhelmed, I guess I gave up. I recently received a " dear John letter" and tried to talk to him which he was cold and empty, his feelings made the decisions for us and I had no say... i guess it was well deserved again I have to sacrifice to his needs. I told him it was unfair and I offered to drop my life again to be with him. to which he did not want...I offered him the time and even said its that bad do you want a divorce let me know. I am a strong woman and if I am not any help or am the reason for one not to be happy, then I will walk on.. I tried but he says he need alone time and that I dont know if I did the right thing. I researched about his behavior and it tells me that I need to let go and make things happen and change on my end for me and my daughters.. while he get to clear his thoughts..(damn). but I did something of more, I don't know if its a good idea or regret it later. but I responded with 4 letters, One how I felt after his letter. two the aftershock and understanding his feelings and three our communication on text and phone. My last letter was the letting go, giving in and allowing him his space, his alone time, but I am respectful and value my vows. It hurts but I wrote him my last letter letting him know that I understand and that I agree to let go but I gave him his ring and mines to move forward. I see no future any more, because I seen him look right through me, and nothing is of help. I feel it was the only right choice because I am too tired to fight, wait and I am not one to give him time to find himself and have his fun, then come back to be the same man. I guess I know in my heart it was the only decision for me and for us.. but I feel guilt its eating me alive. Sad thing is my oldest daughter understand and feels its best for all of us. and my middle and youngest have no idea of the real story.. they are with him now and he was supposed to tell them and make them understand his choice of wanting to move on with out me. it's been 19 days pass and he did talk to our daughters. they will be home tomorrow and he has not told them anything. this leaves me confused and feeling guilty because I sent him my goodbye, and wish him well...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): Just wanted to Thank people for your response and advice, it was great to see other peoples feelings. I sent him everything and was willing to give it up...Low and behold he calls me soon after he get my letters. He was crying and appologizing, trying to understand my part yet blaming me for my actions as well as his. and then I expressed my feelings and told him he should have talked to me first rather then assume... he made it like this now he wants to try and work things out! I on the other hand wants to for the sake of our marriage and because we did not end it correctly. I told him we need to really sit down and talk it out, lay everything down on the table, and see from their if its agreed to stay together or move on. In two weeks we will no what happens, I will be very honest and truthful to him this time around, laying down his and mines mistakes, not rushing into moving back together , but having to still be together till we can say we are ready to be a family, take the responsibility and be open and understanding to our future.. I dont know if he will like the part of him living on Maui and I on a different Island. but It can back fire on me and knowing he did hurt me with out a doubt. I am willing to give it a try but under CONDITIONS and knowing he still has issues he need to learn to deal with them head on, rather then find something to cover it up.. I guess I will open his eyes and guide him through this again, like I always did, but I do it because I love him and see that he has alot to learn how to LOVE, TRUST and THINK of others before he can LOVE, TRUST AND THINK OF US. Praying that this second chance will be our last and whats left in dis life.. only time will fortell whats going to happend. I wanted to thank you once again for your advice and it gave me insites to open my mind and now I just will talk it out ! much Mahalo...
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (20 July 2011):
Yes you did the right thing. It sounds like for the last 21 years you were the one sacrificing your needs to go along with whatever your husband decided. It also sounds like you have tried improving the relationship but he refuses to engage, is cold and emotionally detached and "wants his space" and after years you have nothing left to give which is very natural.
Try not to feel guilty, your home was never a happy home so staying together that way doesn't benefit your children, if anything it would be modeling an unhealthy marriage for them that they might grow up to follow. It takes both people to have a relationship and if your husband is emotionally detached and has no interest despite everything you have tried, there's nothing you can do. Even though you've been together for 21 years, it sounds like you were in reality alone for most of that time, he was not "with" you in mind or spirit and often not even physically present either. Thus, you can try to think of this as you were already separated for a very long time already, you are now just making it official. and by making it official you are starting a new chapter in your life, one where you can be free to find happiness because no one is holding you back.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (19 July 2011):
 I sounds like the distance between the two of you drove you guys apart. Let's face it, he is living in Hawaii and you are (I assume) living elsewhere. It also sounds like you were forced to make a few very big decisions that caused significant sacrifice on your behalf and I suspect you harbor resentment or you feel "it's his turn to make a sacrifice".
I think what you are feeling is 100% normal and justifiable. Everyone going through divorce, even if it is justified, will always have second thoughts -- especially if you have children. Also, given that you and your husband have significant time invested in one another, I am sure you are filled with nagging doubts.
While no one but you and your conscious can ease any guilt, you should realize that it takes two to run a marriage and from the sounds of it, either through life's events or his choices, that you've had to make a go of it alone. While you've put him #1, he hasn't returned the favor.
At this point, I recommend seeing a therapist or enlisting a close friend to talk about the feelings you have. Also, talk to your husband to see if he is willing to compromise and become more of a positive influence in your life and your children's life. His marriage and his kids should be priority #1 in his life and hopefully your pending divorce will be the wake-up call that he needs to put back his family.
My condolences and good luck.
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