A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi aunt and uncles :)It's been a while since I have had to post as I have been really happy up until now. I have been with my boyfriend for 1 and a half years and we were really happy. He lost his job in November and was sent to prison. I stuck by him for the 5 months he was in in work 6 days a week but visited 5 days (the most visits they are allowed in that prison) after work and every weekend. Never missed a visit once and wrote to him every day sent cards bought his clothes gave him 40 pounds a week. He got out in February and hasn't even tried to look for a job. He smokes weed everyday and gets really agitated then he doesn't have any. He stopped for me when we first met as I told him I didn't like it. He still lives with his mum and his older brother whereas I have lived alone since I was 16 I'm now 22. I have to pay my own rent and money to his mum for staying there. I pay for our holidays abroad, we have gone twice. If we have to go anywhere I have to pay. I honestly didn't mind I pot him a play station 3 and some games which is all he plays now and pretty much ignores me. I have asked if I can play along he says no. He just snaps at me all the time and I don't feel like he enjoys my company. I have always been in abusive relationships all physical until now and he is completely faithful as well which is something I have always wanted so I do feel lucky to have him. I love him more than life itself and I am no angel, I have borderline personality disorder but I am on the mend go to counselling twice a week and don't feel that it affects me much anymore. I don't self harm and I am no longer depressed. I have no relationship with my family (my mother abandoned us when we were younger, my brother sexually abused me as my father is a violent alcoholic). Im sorry this is long, just trying to give you guys as much information as possible! We haven't been getting along lately and this morning he snapped at me again so I left. I have come back to my own flat to think. I don't know if I am just not seeig this clearly due to my BPD or if our relationship really is going downhill. I love him so much and I have completely dedicated my life to him the last 2 years but I don't feel like I get anything in return. He recently told me I can't laugh anymore because it's snide. How can I be happy if I am not allowed to laugh. He also calls me fat an chubby quite a lot but I am a uk size six so I know I'm not but it gets to me so I now only eat one meal a day and web ten he makes fun of me. To make it worse I have a coworker who had brought this in. He is so nice and respectful and he makes me laugh and I always wish I had a partner like that. Up until then I was so happy but he makes me feel good about myself. I am not interested in him romantically just as a friend. This is such a mess. My boyfriend hides my things and denies it and calls me crazy all the time, this touches a raw nerve and he knows that I have asked him numerous times to stop. I'm not allowed out alone and he calls me a liar constantly when I have given him no reason to think that of me. Please guys I need some clarity, my minds a mess I am doubting myself for leaving him I don't think I can do any better and I do love him so much? Did I do the right thing? Sorry this is so long but Please help me? Thanks in advance
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alcoholic, co-worker, depressed, liar, lost his job, money, smokes, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (24 June 2013):
 Please go to this website: http://www.womensaid.org.uk and get a local referral immediately. You were in an abusive relationship and need some help seeing how to get out of the trap that you deserve his abuse. You do not.
You did the right thing. Be strong. Ask for help, it's the bravest and wisest thing you can do for yourself right now.
Best wishes.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 June 2013):
 you can't find a nice guy to be happy with as long as you are tied to this guy....
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (24 June 2013):
 Dear OP
It's a cliche but why not take some time off men, be single for a bit while you regain your confidence? Then you'll attract a good, nice man - not a man who has spotted a vulnerable girl who will accept all manner of crap ...
Therapy should help you not feel so lost or lonely as a single woman, and then -trust me - love will come along when you're happy and confident about your life and when you're least expecting it.
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2013): Hi I'm the OP just saw all of the typos sorry it's this phone!
I sent him money for food razors toiletries etc and 20 was for the phone so could call me everyday. I don't pay his mum for him to stay but for me as I stay there roughly half the week. He went to prison for fighting which is how he lost his job he worked right up until the day he was incarcerated. I know you guys are right but sometimes it makes it easier to hear it from an outsiders point of view. I just wish I could find a nice guy who wants me to be happy not a guy who pushes me down to make himself feel better. Sigh. Thanks for your answers guys I really appreciate it x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2013): Based on your history, you are vulnerable to being abused.What he is doing is abusive. It may not be physical, but his actions and words are meant to to tear you down and belittle your worth.You have EXCELLENT self-awareness and I'm sure you know that he isn't really treating you well at all. The root of you staying with him is that you do not have confidence that you can do better...that better actually exists and will want to be with you.I came from an abusive family, ended up in an 8 year relationship with an abusive guy. I thought that there would be no one better than for me. Infact, he would tell me that I have a crap personality and no one would want me. He always said I'd be used by other men. I was so afraid this was true, I was so alone and so dependent on him emotionally (despite being a nurse with an independent and well paying career) that I could not leave him. I thought he was the best I could get.Boy was I WRONG. I ended up taking a job in another city (a strategy to distance myself from him physically) and while there in dance class I met my now husband. He is so patient, loving, kind, giving, even tempered. We go for walks together, go dancing and movies, cook together. He is so physically and emotionally gentle with me. My ex was a big liar. He used his words - calling me fat, that I have a crap personality, etc to weaken me and to make sure I stayed with him. He used me to buy him things - clothing, dinners, presents, vacations...you name it. He told me no one would ever want to be with me. WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!I think you need to talk about your relationship in therapy and work on your confidence. You may not believe this when I write it, but there are men who are 100 times better then he. He uses drugs, is not-productive, has no ambition and is abusive to you. I promise you there are much better prospects out there.I know its difficult - because you do not have family around and you want someone to love you and care for you. But, I promise you, over the long term - he isn't going to make you a happier, more loved, stronger person.You need to work on this in therapy so that you are able to set your bar higher and never let a man treat you like this (or worse). You're a strong girl. Awareness is the first step in getting out of this relationship - love yourself first.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (23 June 2013):
Please don't doubt yourself - you've made the right choice. You deserve to be treated so, so much better than this and you know it deep down. You have low self esteem at the moment (no surprise - he's putting you down all the time, controlling you, basically being emotionally abusive), but give it some time with NO CONTACT (sorry to shout, but it's crucial for you to have distance to gain perspective), and discuss it all with your therapist (why you love him, for example). You have made the right decision. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 June 2013):
 Throughout your submittal, it stands out, the most, that YOU are not "getting much" from this "relationship" with your boyfriend.... whilest HE gets ALL the benefits of having a dedicated girlfriend... who NOT ONLY puts up with all his sh*t.... BUT ALSO makes excuses for him... effectively giving him "a pass" for behaving in this manner...
I suggest that you part ways with this cad... let him succeed or fail on his own... whilest YOU get on with your OWN life.... There's no reason for YOU to have to live a miserable life for this guy's benefit...
Good luck...
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