A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Update on this post: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/have-i-romanticized-him-too-much.htmlI have cut off this guy completely as I took the red flags seriously, but not only that, he actually exposed himself without even realizing that. The thing is, we were video calling and we were talking about the difference of dating cultures in our countries, then he asked me if I would ever be okay with dating a pornographer, and I was like NO WAY, because it's below my standards. He told me that he's okay with a partner doing pornography because it's just acting, I told him that I don't agree because it's disrespectful to the other partner. I noticed he was a bit upset from his face, and he asked to end the video chat shortly after we talked about this. I acted pretty normal, but deep inside, I was filled with disgust, I felt humiliated as my gut feeling was telling me to RUN as he told me that he used to have a sexual relation with a girl that she eventually fell in love with him but he cut her off because he wanted to look for something more serious and she was crazy although they agreed from the beginning that there won't be something more than sex happening. Right now, his view about pornography screamed to me that HE MUST BE doing photography as he seemed to he offended by my response. Although I know his real name, what he does, and his address, I still felt like he's just playing around with me and not being honest, or just treating me like a lover without having to commit. I feel used, crap, and broken. I couldn't sleep, and I thought of ways to break it off with him. I told him that I'm dealing with family members that are pretty tough to handle and not sure if I could plan anything with him. He still insisted on seeing me because "he doesn't want to loose me" but I blocked and told him not to contact me anymore as it's a very wrong time for this. I'm relieved that I ended this from now, but I'm freaking out as he have my address (I gave it to him because he was sending me gifts) but I made it clear to him that my family know his name, address, what he looks like, etc. I still feel stupid and used. It's a hard pill to swallow the reality. Did I do the right thing?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2022): This guy is just after sex or using women to make him money out of sex. So of course he wants to keep in touch, he doesnt get women queueing up for the chance to be used.
If he had his way he would have dozens of women who do this stuff for him, but most women are too smart so he tries to hold onto you. I never understand why so many women who supposedly have a brain are so quick to say that a guy they know online is their partner, when they have only met once or twice and very often they have nothing in common and he has nothing at all to offer.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 August 2022):
 I think you realized that it was all a fantasy and YOU got caught up in it.
Adding the odd question about pornography and "it's just acting" made it easier for you to walk away.
There is nothing wrong with realizing this is NOT what I want from a partner. And there is no real future here.
I think you should take some time to focus on letting go of this fantasy character you had in your head. THAT person was never real.
I think you should have been honest with him and not talked about having to take care of a family member. Because you didn't "end" anything. You just blocked him with some wishy washy excuse".
He has your address, true.
If he SENDS you anything either REFUSE to receive it (package) - they will send it back or put it in an envelope unopened and return it to sender).
If he shows up at your house, DO not let him in. Call a male friend or family member to come over IF he doesn't leave OR the Police.
"I feel used, crap, and broken."
You have NOT been used, any more than you used him.
You are NOT broken. You are probably just disappointed that the fantasy guy wasn't real. It happens.
Feeling like crap will go away too.
Remember this in the future. People are not SIM's characters. They are real people. And talking to people from far far away is great but realistically you can't really KNOW a person over the phone, text, or video calls.
When you are over this, and are looking to date someone, FIND someone closer, someone, you can spend time with IN person and get to know IN PERSON.
It's easy to get caught up in the moment. Don't beat yourself up for falling for someone you thought was this "perfect guy" and then come to realize that not all of it was true or real.
Live and learn, OP
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2022): OP:
He DIDN'T say that HE'S a pornographer, he only asked me if I would ever date would
one, and that he had no problem dating a pornographer as it's like acting. That's what really made me disgusted, the fact that he's okay with dating a pornographer and sees it as acting and nothing else. Am I overreacting? After I cut him off now, I feel regret and upset as I feel that I overreacted by just cutting him off like this, and that maybe I'm reading too much into it and that this has nothing to do with having a sexual relationship with someone in the past. I thought that he might actually be a pornographer (I linked it to him telling me a few months ago that he used to have sex with that girl and him saying that he's okay with dating a pornographer) but that he might be hiding this from me. But I have no proof that he might be one. I just connected those 2 things together, and I'm not sure if they are relevant.
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