A
female
age
30-35,
*razymadlove
writes:hi,i want to ask ...that i was in relationship with a guy since 3 years. i listen to whateva he says be it whatever as im soo in love with him. he is very restrictive regarding whom to talk , where to go , what to wear etc . i initially had problems in adjusting but now i have become used to and more over i do it cause i love him and want to marry him.now the problem is that one year back when we had a breakup i thot its final and planned to move on . so i started talking to some of my friends which included a guy whom he had asked me not to talk bcz he liked me but i had no such feelings for him. but as i thot its over i started talking as we had a breakup of almost a month and i thot of moving on in life. later on he came back and we patched up . after that we went to lot of ups and down but finally things became really good between us since 2months . but suddenly some how a situation arised where i had to tell him tat i had talked to that guy during our breakup as he was going to meet up that guy nd then the guy cud have told him about it which i dint tell him during the whole year so i thot of telling before he meets him.so he feels that i broke his trust by hiding this from him and now blames me that if i can hide such small things so i must be definitely hiding my past from him ...whereas once i caught him with some msgs on his phone where he was flirting with a girl and when i asked him he said he had no wrong intentions and he talked to her during our breakup ..he also dint tell me and was caught by me. i was sad but i ignored it and got normal....when he asked me of my fb password i gave him and when i asked him he never gave me saying do whateva u want to do i wont give. but on this i never said that u are hiding something or u have broken my trust and i want to break up.i always ignored his things for our relationship but when im in such a situation he beleive im not honest and broke his trust.do you think i really broke his trust nd have done a big mistake....?????
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2013): Your first mistake is going back to this guy. What did you take a break for, to recuperate on a mental ward?
The most common mistake among people who breakup, is thinking they can go back to an old relationship after a breakup; and pickup where they left off.
They haven't done a darn thing to fix the problems that broke them up. It's all due to fear and discomfort. Denial and selfishness. Lack of the skills to interact with others and to resolve problems. Through laziness, we often seek a quick and easy resolution. Bury our heads in the sand.
Lets just ignore and put up with it; maybe it will just go away in time.
It won't.
It will end. When they finally breakup. They inevitably will. Again.
People have trouble admitting to their own weaknesses. They easily find fault in others. This exchange leads to fighting. One gives up, and the fight ends; and the problem is buried until the next fight.
They could have used the time and energy to explain their feelings, and come to a compromise. A solution reached, and all live happily until life presents another obstacle in the relationship.
If you can find simple solutions to complex problems in a relationship, it's because you "love" each other. Mutually there is a feeling your partner is so important to you, that you will both go out of your way to protect each other and support each other. Willing to go the whole distance.
In the case of cheaters (or the suspicious types), one party becomes homeland security. Snooping around until they find evidence to fight about; but they seem to enjoy the drama and the passion. They are too jealous to stay broke-up. They fear the cheater will go back to the person they cheated with. They won't have anything to snoop around about in their pathetic insecure lives. They have**sigh**
trust issues. :(
So a breakup is brief, and the cheater is taken back.
Only to repeat the same crime. They will breakup again.
Desperation will make people nearly crazy. They dismiss the most awful physical and psychological abuse, forgive cheating, and re-subject themselves to the psychological torture of narcissists. Narcissists are people who are soulless and cruel. They actually feed on the weaknesses of others. They have no sense of remorse or shame for their deeds. They appear to be the greatest people you'll ever meet.
As humans, we claim it's love in each case I described above. It's not love. It's an addiction to another person. Fear of loneliness and no one to lean on. We feel vulnerable like an infant left alone in a field.
These poor souls have personal weaknesses, and form a psychological dependency on their partners. When their mates are absent or separated; all these pitiful people do, is wait in misery to be reunited to the worst thing that every walked into their lives.
Bad or insecure people often manipulate their way back to really good people; who made the right decision to leave them. Sadly, the good one is forced to second-guess their own judgement. They feel sorry for their ex, watching them suffer, and take them back. Knowing full well, they shouldn't have.
In other words, they gave into the relentless pursuit by the dumpee to reclaim the dumper. They couldn't break away, it wasn't necessarily love. It was pity. There is usually an element of psychological black-mail involved. Sometimes children, or finances are the reason.
Love is the excuse, not the reason.
You are one of those sad and desperate people. You know he is controlling and abusive, and used love as an excuse.
You may love him dearly; but you accept his abuse. Maybe because you feel too scared to survive on your own. You attached yourself to him, and became his emotional slave.
Now you just can't function, unless he's around to tell you what to do like a child. He has systematically worn down your spirit and stolen your identity; until you actually believe you love him, and what he has done to you is forgivable.
Go back and take more of it. Until you tire of it. Until you look at him one day, through the eyes of pure hatred.
You'll recall every cruel word said, and deed he ever did to you. It will all race through your memory all at once.
In disgust and frustration, you'll gain sudden strength; and you'll end it. You'll leave and will not look back. It will be the last straw.
When you finally do reach this point, and you will;
make sure you give yourself time to heal.
Avoid rebound relationships. Seek counseling or join a victims of abuse support group. Don't wing-it alone; if you feel yourself falling. You need support from an outside source. Family, friends, and counseling.
Reclaim your identity as a person. Work to rebuild your self-esteem and self-confidence. He has taken that away;
because it gives him power and control. It weakens your will, and makes you more obedient. You can't move, unless he manipulates your strings.
If you do decide to finally leave him. You can't start another relationship until you give yourself a lot of time to heal.
You might duplicate the relationship like you're in; or keep going back, if you don't seek help to treat the psychological damage. Read your post from start to finish.
Why did you write it?
This is most important for you to read:
You just gave him more reason to give you shake-downs like you've done some kind of a crime, and he has to investigate your whereabouts and who you talk to.
We will give you advice as you have asked. The best thing I can do is to just plant a seed of wisdom, and allow you to remain in your predicament; until your relationship runs its course and implodes. Then you'll have no choice, but to take the good advice given by the aunts.
You'll move on out of free will; not simply choice brought on by difficult circumstances.
I explain in an article that I've written, why it is so hard to move on and complete the process of detachment and recovery from a breakup. It involves a chemical process in the brain similar to drug addiction, and the process of withdrawal.
Many factors influence why we go back to people we know aren't good for, or to us.
Most often there are underlying psychological issues that make people insecure, and dependent on others. They don't know how to survive without having another person around to compensate for their faults and weaknesses. It's easier than working on themselves, and actually building their own character and a separate identity. It's laziness.
Maybe some were not treated well as children, and have a love deficit; so they seek love through a long series of relationships that quickly end; because they're simply too needy and insecure. They usually get dumped. They're too needy to end it themselves.
Their partners are often not the best personalities to begin with; so the relationship is always strained. It could last for years. They can even marry, but the marriage is futile work. Two people in an emotional tug of war. Until the rope breaks.
My words may come across as harsh. When dealing with deep feelings, people may seek answers; but if the words are syrupy and spoon-fed; they don't really pay attention.
Sometimes we're begging for sympathy, not truth.
You are re-entering the gates of psychological hell. You are tolerating the torture, claiming you're "used to it."
You are a grown woman, and what you wear or who you talk to; is guided by your own decisions; and based on your own tastes. Neither of you are ready for marriage. Read your post. Imagine what marriage would be like.
Surrendering to another person's will, is tantamount to becoming a slave. Please do not use the word "love" in this context. It isn't appropriate. You don't receive it in return, and it is misplaced. When people control and badly discipline you; the relationship is sadistic and masochistic in nature.
You may continue to submit yourself to the mistreatment and gestapo tactics this man subjects you to. Everyone has their threshold of pain. When you reach your level of intolerance; and can't take it anymore, you'll get as far away from him as you can.
Until then; I've taken the time to give you something to take with you. To provoke thought and consideration. Hopefully you'll save yourself.
A
female
reader, crazymadlove +, writes (8 September 2013):
crazymadlove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks everyone...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2013): You will only suffer in this boyfriend's company. I suggest you find someone better. What kind of logic is that? He can do what he pleases but you can't? Are you comfortable with the fact that this man will order you around, tell you what to wear, tell you who to speak with, etc.? Whether you are in love or not, really, wake up and smell the roses. I'd hate to see another statistic pertaining to abusive and controlling spouses.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (8 September 2013):
I'm going to say this loud and clear. This is an abusive relationship. This is what we call domestic assault.
Do not kid yourself. This is a very unhealthy relationship. You need to seek counselling.
Your boyfriend has major control issues. Do not stay in this relationship. You need to move on.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (8 September 2013):
 Do you want to hear the truth?
Your biggest mistake was getting back with your boyfriend. He is way too controlling, and it will only get worse.
You said this:
"he is very restrictive regarding whom to talk , where to go, what to wear etc "
He doesn't have the right to restrict these things, and you giving it to him is breaking you down. You are in an unhealthy relationship.
What you did and who you talked to during your breakup is your business, not his. You didn't break his trust, and he has no right asking for your Facebook password. You should change it ASAP, because the relationship is healthy.
He was saying that you broke his trust? Sorry, but if he's this controlling from the start, he never trusted you to begin with. Notice that he has an excuse for his activities during the breakup, yet giving you the third degree? I'll say this again - YOU WERE BROKE UP from him.
This guy is not a good guy to be with at *all*. Guys shouldn't be telling girls what to wear, who to talk to, what friends to hang out with, which places to go, etc. How does he "enforce" his wishes on you? What if you went somewhere he didn't approve? Verbal abuse? Withholding? Silent treatment? Physical violence?
I suggest you correct the mistake you made by getting back with him and break up for good.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (8 September 2013):
 You did not feel wrong talking to that guy since you have no feelings for him. You only felt it was wrong because your boyfriend would mind. You thought that boyfriend was long gone so you felt safe talking to men. You had no intentions outside of friendship, so it wasn't something to hide.
He sets one standard for himself then another for you. You shouldn't have ignored his messages to girls. He is clearly disrespecting you when he's free to do whatever but you, he's always assuming the worst.
I feel that a break in a relationship without trying to resolve issues first, is itself a breach of trust. In order for a relationship to feel safe you need a person to be there with you even when times get rough or you get bored. I see that you are smitten with him so it can't be you that initiated the break up. You even condoned him talking to other girls online.
You are giving him too much allowance while treating yourself poorly. Don't get treated like a doormat. I would never give my boyfriend email passwords. It would feel like I am living with a probation officer and that I am subjected to security checks daily.
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