A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys. I posted on here a few days ago and got some really good responses. I'd like to maybe get a new perspective after these past few days because now I feel a bit crazy. I had a regular friends with benefits and I thought things were going okay. We hung out, watched movies, went to dinner, drank together, and at the end of the night, came home and had sex and she usually left the next morning. Things felt really awesome and I thought they were going great. We talked about all the things we liked and wanted to do and it was very intense. Well the last couple times we had slept together, we cuddled after, which I guess was my mistake. My thinking was that we had just f*cked, so what the hell? She certainly didn't seem to have a problem with it at the time and fell asleep on me twice. I didn't think anything of it. It's just nice human interaction after sex. Anyway, that aside a moment, fast-forward a few days and I spend the night over there. She gets obliterated drunk (which yes, is a common thing for her), but this time is in another world talking about birds and Christmas in the middle of sex. I stopped the sex because it was just the right thing to do in my mind, and because I was really put off by her. And she lashed out at me uncontrollably, telling me I'm just a piece of meat, and how dare I basically not fulfill my function of getting her off? And that I rejected her and how dare I. I tried to calm her down, but she just would not, so I fell asleep. The next morning, I asked her if she was still pissed, and she relashed out at me, saying all the same things. So I eventually left. We spoke about everything a couple days later and she told me that she felt that I had made it more than just sex that night by stopping, and how it made her uncomfortable. That I should have kept going and that she felt that stopping meant I was showing I "cared about her" on a deeper level and that, coupled with the cuddling, made her uncomfortable. Said she didn't want to hook up anymore. This really caught me off guard because I've never had someone imply that my feelings are deeper than what they are before. Her reasoning embarrasses me that she thought I developed feelings or that I somehow made her uncomfortable. To me, what happened the other night was nothing. We were hooking up and she was clearly too drunk so I decided we should pass out. Was what I did so wrong under the circumstances? Did it merit her emotional reaction? I'm a bit confused at the moment.
View related questions:
christmas, drunk, friend with benefits Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 January 2016):
 The interactions of FWB, or NSA, or two people in a relationship really DO exist, regardless if those involved want to believe so..... It's just that there's a different kind of "menu" of interactions, depending upon the form of the "relationship" ("FWB" and "NSA" really ARE "relationships"... regardless if the participants wish to label it so).....
You and she need to have a real CONVERSATION to clear the air about it.... AND, that conversation may result in the two of you deciding that you (both) don't wish to continue whatever sort of "relationship"/interactions you are having....
It's really not especially complicated... just needs to be faced....
Good luck...
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 January 2016):
 Maybe it's just me . Ok, probably it is me . I don't come from a typical " drinking " culture , and in my country people do drink, but following a quite different set of
" rules " , habits and customs. So, hard as I try, I can't get how people in USA takes drinkers , and drunkards, so seriously.
We get letters which say " When he is drunk he tells me he loves me, but then he ignores me " " He promised this and that when he was drunk, but then ... " - I 'm like : Hallooo ?? He was DRUNK ! Do you expect lucidity, mental finesse, coherence and in -depth perception from a drunk, or in fact an alcoholist ?
The lady was obliterated drunk ! Which is nothing unusual for her ! She was seeing birds and Santa Claus, which, allow me, would wararnt more calling the paramedics, than a heartfelt discussion about the state of your relationship .
She is a lush, if not an addicted, and she 'll pour things out randomly , in a sort of stream of consciousness thing, whether she feels that way when sober or not. Maybe she is, or at least she can be occasionally, a mean aggressive drunk, when she is blind drunk her nasty streak comes out. So she lashed at you because you did not get her off- but if you had gotten her off, she would have lashed at you anyway for snoring too loud, or hogging the blankets etc.
Really, I don't believe that you can apply to this situation all this subtle interpretation of signs " maybe she thinks that I think that she thinks ..." The lady is out of control, when you are out of control you have no control ( duh ) over your emotions, feelings, thoughts, , you just let it all burst out haphazardly , according to the mood and sensations of the momenet.
Maybe next time she was going to see birds, she was going instead to be a soppy sloppy drunk , sobbing all over you " Why dont'cha luuuuuv me , boo-hoo ".
Anyway - if she does not want to hook up anymore, so be it. Since she was just an FWB with no particular emotional involvement on either side, it should not be that hard to find another one with a bigger capacity of holding her drinks, and a lesser inclination for mindless drama.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 January 2016):
 Stopping implies feelings, BUT not the ones SHE thinks or the ones she mentioned (as in YOU wanting more than occasional sex). It implies that you KNEW it wasn't the right thing to do. That people DO NOT (or should not) take advantage sexually or otherwise of someone who is THAT drunk. So yes, it's implies that you are a decent person who knows right from wrong, and who FELT it was WRONG to have sex with her in that state.
And it WOULD have been wrong to have had sex with her. YOU did the right thing. Absolutely.
I think, and I'm guessing here... that she was projecting her OWN feeling onto you. Because it's easier to make YOU the one with the feeling to push you away, instead of admitting that SHE caught feelings for you.
But it really doesn't matter who caught feelings here. YOU did the right thing. She doesn't want to screw around with you any more.
So respect that and let her go.
Maybe it's time to find a REAL GF? Not just someone to pass your time with.
Unfortunately it might also mean you have lost a good friend. That is quite often the result of FWB.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (23 January 2016):
 No it didn't. Stopping doesn't mean developing feelings. It just means you are not into having sex with unconscious people. She's projecting her feelings onto you. Now you can see FWBs are not drama free. You can the same emotions as in people in relationships. You just don't get the same kind of commitment. Still, it doesn't mean people can't act decently in FWBs. I guess she is not cut out to be in FWBs. She's not ready for relationships. If you are just a piece of meat, then who cares if you are developing feelings? You hang out with her on your own risk. Tell her it's her problem if she's uncomfortable.
So she has problems with people who take advantage of her and she has problems with people who care and protect her. She is the one confused. You could have also told her how dare she went to sleep. Who is she to tell you that you are merely a tool to serve a function?
...............................
|
