A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:What are some qualities to consider as a woman in choosing life partner? Ive been in long term relationship with my fiance. He is sweet and caring partner when we meet in person. He is quite supportive when im having and dealing with my problems. He often forgive and give in when we are having argument so that im not worry too much. I know he wont deliberately hurt me, my feeling and physically. He wont stand to see me hurting physically but he seems not sensitive enough with what he did which can hurt my feeling. He often did things that make me keep thinking is he really love me?We have been through so many up and down together. He made me happy and sad at the same time. Sometimes i feel grateful to have him and im proud to have a fiancee like him around my friends and family. I feel he is best at giving me attention and care when we are meeting. Simply said he shows it with his gestures.He is not good at telling sweet and good things but he sincerely showed his feeling for me with his actions. He wont let me hungry or thristy or having any blister and hates to see me hurt physically. I can confidently said that everybody who know us can feel he loves me so much.On the contrary, when he is in his other 'personality', what he did is out of my prediction and nobody will believe what he did. He used prostitute twice and gambling. The only thing i know is he is a compulsive liar. We broke up several times and the last time its so rough. He avoided me and ignored me. Thats because i hurt his feeling deeply and he is so dissapointed. I tried to get back with him but he keep distance with me. Finally when i give up he realised and proposed to me. I accepted it with some doubt inside. I know his family is so supportive with our relationship. Sometimes i feel that he proposed to me because of his family urging him? Or maybe he just feeling used to be with me? Theres several times that he told me he feel responsible with me. To keep me safe and ensure my happiness whatever our relationship phase is it. I know he is not really happy with me because the spark is less than before but he keep the commitment and tried his best to be there for me. Is it possible he isnt in love with me anymore and he proposed and wish to marry me because the urge from other? Will a man do that? If he really loves me why he did that stupid things that would affect our relationship? He is still jealous whenever other man approach me and he still make plans to vacation plan for us. Every happy plan he does, its always me in it. Every gathering and family outings theres me. I just cant think of why he lied to me. Do i need to seek medical help for him? Is there anything im missing in understanding a man?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2016): HelloBefore I read the negative things in your post about your fiancé I thought, 'he's abusive'. It reminds me so much of the relationship I was in where he treated me just like your fiancé treats you. On the outside it looks good, looks after you etc. Feels that you are his responsibility etc. But this kind of thinking is the thinking of a man who treats his partner/girlfriend as if she were a pet. And this is the mentality of an abusive man. They really do see women as a kind of pet. To be 'loved', looked after, always there by his side. He always wants you around etc. BUT, make no mistake, you are to know your place. Just as a pet should. And if you don't behave in ways that please (and often even when you do please), you are put in your place with nasty behaviour, so you are better trained for him. You may well think that this is not your boyfriend, but I will bet you anything you like, it is. The things you have said...'his other personality' 'we have broken up many times' 'he is a compulsive liar' and the fact that you are having to try so hard to understand him, all SCREAM abusive, abusive, abusive.I have been with a man exactly as you describe. Oh, they make you think you have found 'the one'! The one who knows how to look after you like no other man ever has etc etc. Who thinks you are his responsibility (he will use this line to control you in the future if you stay). Then comes the lying, the inexplicable behaviour. The urgent need to 'understand'. So sorry to say that this is all planned and on purpose. Very difficult for you to believe I'm sure, but I'm afraid the fact that he is totally abusive is what you are missing in understanding THIS man.My abusive ex partner was all these things. Attentive, fantastic company, loving, etc etc Also a compulsive liar, a gambler, telling me I am his responsibility. Then came the abuse. So hard to figure out what is happening, because it is like you are living with two different people. Sadly, they are the same person and he is doing all this on purpose, so that your time and energy are spent on 'trying to understand him' instead of on yourself and your own life. This is why he behaves in this way. Or it's one of the many reasons. The whole purpose is literally to train you to become subservient, quiet, obedient. To kill any confidence or happiness you once had. He's already made a change to your happiness hasn't he? And make no mistake... he is happy about this.I can imagine you might think that this does not apply to your fiancé. (Please don't marry him)Please read a book on abuse called 'Why Does He Do That' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. It will help you to realise exactly what you need to realise to understand what your fiancé is up to. I have read many books on abuse and this one was by far the best in my opinion. You will see his behaviour written in this book in black and white. You will understand that this is on purpose and I really hope you will decide not to make a life with this man. Because, if you do, this is just the beginning of your misery. And you can kiss a happy life goodbye. By the way, when he ignored you after you broke up, he wasn't upset because you had hurt him, he was manipulating you. And when you actually gave up and left, he realised he would have to get you back. That you weren't so easily controlled. This will change if you stay. He will train you to be more easily controlled.Read the book please....and good luck x
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 March 2016):
 Have you sat down and told him how it made you feel when he cheated, lied and gambled? He asked you to marry him so you would take him back, and you did. This to him shows him that he can get away with treating you like this. I don't think he needs medical attention, but I do think that you need to stand up for yourself and make him work hard to gain back your trust. If he is not willing to work hard then I think you deserve better. Don't be someones door matt.
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