A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has admitted to cheating on me in the past, and as a result we broke up for nearly a year. As we share a son, we did have to speak to each other and see each other regularly. As a dad I can not fault him, but as a boyfriend, in our first relationship, he was terrible. He said at the time, he cheated on me because we had become pregnant so young and early on in our relationship that he felt a bit trapped. (We were both 17 and we had been together 8 months). It first happened when I was pregnant with some girl on a night out, and the second time it happened was with a girl who he met at a birthday party, and who found me on Facebook to tell me what had happened. He denied it, and I believed him, I don't know why but I did. Anyway, those are the only two he has admitted other then the one who he got an STI, which I didn't get as we were fighting a lot at the time and sex just wasn't happening. He admitted it to me, I didn't have to force him to tell me, and we decided to break up. I felt a bit like I was happy to be a young mum where as he wasn't. I wasn't as upset as I probably should have been.When we broke up, he really got himself sorted. He started working more, being a more hands on dad, and room himself back to college and got a trade. Fast forward 4 years, and after a few failed relationships each, we ended up having a bit of a fling, and then we just appeared to get back together. As odd as that sounds, it's true. We went from a few flirty texts, to having sex, to getting back together. The thing is, while I'm happy, and most importantly my son is happy and loves having his dad around all the time, I can't stop my head from thinking might cheat again. I check his phone, I work out how far away he is when he tells me he's on his way home, so I know how long he should be. I double check with his mates when he is with them, either by looking on their Facebook or asking their girlfriend's. I know it's bad but I can't stop myself. I feel like I'm crazy. Maybe I'm finally showing how hurt I was by him or maybe I just don't trust him? I'm not sure but I don't know what to do. Break up with him or ask him straight out instead of checking up on him. I do want this to work but maybe it just can't?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2016): From your post, is seems he is making a true effort to change his ways. What he did cut deep, and I think for the time being you're going to be a bit unsure. You're both very young and inexperienced, and your getting pregnant at 17 may have forced you together for the sake of a child; but young people don't form strongly bonded relationships at that age normally.
You both should have had the chance to date and have fun like teenagers should; but you didn't get that opportunity due to the pregnancy.
You have to take partial responsibility for bringing this on yourself; because you didn't take the necessary precautions and use condoms. The reason you both remained together was mainly due to a pregnancy; otherwise you probably would have drifted apart before any cheating ever happened. Teenage relationships aren't meant to be so serious; and pregnancies are to be avoided at such a tender age. You're older now, you're a mother; so now you have to show some maturity. You fast-forwarded your life by a few years becoming a mom.
Let me give it to you straight. You can't be everywhere at the same time, and if you keep treating someone like a cheater, they may as well cheat. Your snooping and digging is driving yourself nuts. Eventually he'll tire of your distrust and insecurity, and he'll want out. You seem to want him to go, but you have no right to take his child from him; because you've got trust-issues. You'll be even more resentful if you left him and he decides to find somebody else. Then starts the baby-mama drama.
I think it's time you show some maturity and teach yourself to trust. Stop the snooping. If you want to breakup, just do it. If you can muster enough maturity to deal with things like a grown-up, I suggest you do it. If he isn't doing anything wrong, you have no right to punish him for the past. You have a child together, and that innocent little person shouldn't be the pawn between the two of you. The child usually becomes the one who suffers when mothers become estranged from their fathers.
Handle your insecurity and grow-up. Put the child first. He is happy being a family. I understand you were hurt; but you're dwelling on past issues. He was only a boy when you got pregnant, and the foolish things he did then was because of his immaturity at the time. He's trying to man-up to his responsibilities. Give him the chance. If you don't love him, then you're right to let him go. Just make sure you remain civil for the sake of your son. The child is as much his, as he is yours.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2016): I think you are feeling the after effects of his actions and of course you feel as if you can't trust him. I wouldn't ask him if it was me because he could just say anything. There is a process after cheating that the unfaithful partner does for the other, which is called 'transparency'. It means that he is always available to talk to you, to call you, to answer your calls, to reassure you constantly that he is where he says he is etc. If he is willing to do this, then you will know, or find out if you can trust him or not. So talk to him about transparency and see what he says. I was unfaithful to my partner and he found a very long article on the internet about how to survive an affair, which he printed and got me to read. If you Google 'How to Survive an Affair' I'm pretty sure you would find it or something equally helpful.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (20 August 2016):
 He is a very different person now to what he was as a 17 year old child (let's he honest), when he suddenly found himself in the role he was not prepared for and had not planned for.Big respect to him for stepping up and taking his parenting responsibilities seriously. You and your son are very lucky in that respect.Does he know you find it hard to trust him because of the past? You two need to talk. He is the one who broke your trust all those years ago, so he is the one who should be working at rebuilding it. When you feel insecure, speak to HIM (not his friends or their girlfriends) and ask HIM for reassurance. Try to stop yourself checking up on him, as that will only eat away at you. You both need to work at rebuilding trust. Good luck.
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