A
female
age
41-50,
*oldNorth
writes:I'm 32 years old and am engaged to be married this November. I really think I love my fiance and I'm sure he loves me, but I am terrified of getting married.For starters, I know I have a lot of baggage left over from my first marriage (I did love my ex, but married him for more practical reasons than love. I felt trapped at home and it seemed a good way to get out from under my parents. I left him after he admitted to lying to me about his sexuality). The whole ordeal has made me commit-aphobic and I know it. Secondly, I have a lot of fears about his mental state. He can be a sweet, kind and loving man, then turn around and be abrupt, dismissive and self-righteous. We've talked about it and he will be starting therapy later this month and he is already on anti-anxiety medication. I know his behavior stems from an extremely abusive childhood and currently sharing a house with his sister who is toxic beast of a woman and the threat of being laid off at any time at work. Quite frankly, knowing I'm going to have to live with him day in and day out "till death do us part" terrifies me. Also, even though he's only a couple of years older than me, he has very fragile health and I've been to numerous doctor appointments and hospital visits with him. I didn't mind and was glad I was there for him, but I can't help but wonder what kind of a future this is foreshadowing.Third, I'm going to have to live in said house until it gets sold, and I'm not sure how long that will take. His sister despises me and the feeling is mutual. The thought of being trapped in that house with her and his fluctuating mental state make me almost sick sometimes.I'm sure most people would read this and say "are you crazy?! don't do it then!" and I know they're right, but here's the kicker: I moved countries for this man and because my permanent residency hasn't come through yet, I'm totally dependent on him. Money, food..everything. Plus, my family and friends adore him. If I leave him now, I'll have to depend on my parent's generosity to get back home and once I'm there, I'm not even sure where I'd live. Not to mention, he's made it abundantly clear that my leaving him would devastate him beyond repair and that he would "just be done with everything". He's hurt himself in the past (before I met him) so I know this isn't an empty threat.What do I do? I feel like I'm trapped at the edge of a cliff with no way out and it's starting to effect my own health. I'm mentally exhausted, confused and have caught myself starting to wish to "just be done with everything" too. Please help.
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at work, engaged, fiance, money, my ex, trapped Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): Whoa!! Tough one.Ok lets think this out rationally..If you end up with him, its going to be a nightmare. Plain and simple. For all the reasons you've mentioned. Why do you want to get into a marriage making all these compromises from the very beginning? Thats not how it should be. If you DO leave him, boy are you going to have a tough time explaining yourself to your family. BUT, they are your family. Your parents would want you to be happy, come what may. If your daughter was in your place, what advice would you have given her? Of course you would have taken her back.This man is a weak character. I have absolutely no respect for men who emotionally blackmail women, saying they would do all kinds of dreadful things to themselves, if the woman leaves them.I don't understand why you even consider this? Why cant people be graceful in life and accept things in the right spirit. So it doesn't work out, and you think about parting. Is YOUR decision. You're not going to live your life based on the fear of what he MIGHT do if something goes wrong. Tomorrow you get married and he says this same thing, how much would you be bending for him? This man sounds like a lot of work. Its better to be alone and make a life for yourself, than carry so much baggage all your life. Its not going to be easy, but its the much better option. Dont do this to yourself sweetheart...its never as difficult as it seems. Its all in your hands. Take a decision....do away with this man.His mental state seems to be rubbing off on you from now...you'l just be a wreck if you jump into this. GET OUT of this mess. You dont need him, you "think" you love him...well, you dont. The last thing you need is a man with disorders, that bitch of a sister and all that baggage.
A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (10 September 2010):
 You're looking for objective advice, so here goes.
This guy has a ton of baggage. You're hearing the flapping of a dozen red flags. Your own health is deteriorating. Are the immigration and financial questions really so serious that you want to ignore these warning signs?
You're writing from Canada. It might be worth checking just how much leeway you have on the immigration question. Depending upon what country you're from and what skills you have, you might not have to leave. You don't want to be deported of course, but Canada's immigration system has a ton of loopholes.
Even if that doesn't pan out, I have to think that going home is a better option. Wanting to "just be done with everything" should be a wake-up call!
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