A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:[Mod note: user's own title]I've pretty much wasted my life from 16 to 21 (possibly all my life) largely due to issues from emotionally abusive family. Anyone know how to stop "mentally beating yourself up" over lost time, esp. when said procrastination etc. has led to you till being stuck in a bad situation?My family are very controlling and kind of psycho. It was awful when I was a kid so I went to uni at 18 even though I had no friends and not much life experience because at least my A levels were good. Unfortunately I ended up being bullied at uni as people picked up on the fact I was naive, the university wouldn't help much or even do stuff like let me switch rooms, and I got more depressed after thinking everything was going to be alright for the first few weeks of uni. I got on OK with a few of my coursemates and honestly thought we were good friends, but they didn't really talk to me much or care once it was evident I was having major problems.I ended up dropping out at 19 after failing my first year resits, and due to money issues having to move back with my family. They're still very emotionally abusive and I feel awful being around them, but I've been stuck with them for 2 years and had to pay reduced rent to them (£80 a month). I've been on and off JSA and done temp work, so I have a couple of thousand in savings, but it's not enough to live on even if I go on Housing Benefit I don't think. I was thinking of getting a business started as I have an idea but then I wouldn't get JSA. Apart from that I know there's not much on the jobs market for people with no degrees so I can pretty much say good bye to my dreams of ever having a nice well paid office job. I also have a lot of trouble finding references because I don't know anyone.I've got no friends because I'm embarrassed about telling people about my situation, and my family lives in a horrible dangerous area right now anyway so I don't want to settle here. I haven't seen my GP about depression as again I'm not sure what I'd say and if they refer me for counselling or something I'd probably get a letter (they're bad with paperwork) so my psycho family would find out about the depression. Also I'm not sure if "meds" would help so much as getting out of my bad situation.Worst of all is pretty much comparing myself to other people the same age, knowing that right now they would be graduating uni, with parents who love them and a lot of friends, well travelled (obviously with a shit family and no friends I've never really been outside the UK), on their way to an OK job, who hadn't entirely wasted their life up to that point and possibly with a boyfriend or girlfriend.Idk what to do. I keep beating myself up over the past "wasted" years (I have worked temp jobs and such, but due to the depression I've procrastinated A LOT of it away) and I feel like my life to 16 to 21 went down the pan apart from me getting good A levels. I keep comparing myself to people my own age and wondering if I'll ever be like that. The main fear is that I might even get out of this situation but never stop beating myself up over the wasted past.Help. PLEASE help
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 June 2015):
 First off *hugs*
Secondly, take a breath and stop beating yourself up. YOU are comparing yourself to others and THAT is causing YOU misery.
So first step, ACCEPT that you are not a failure.
EVERYONE moves at different speeds, you know that saying, right?
You have had a LOT of thing stacked against you, accept that. BUT also ACCEPT that it IS up to you to change YOUR life, no one is going to come in a swoop you up and fix everything.
Start small. Yes, most companies want employees with education. But there are MANY jobs out there WHERE you can get work experience which actually COUNT higher than a piece of paper.
I would say TRY applying for jobs in areas you are interested in and some you MAY NOT be interested in.
I took a year off before "pre college" (age 18-19) and worked at a hotel in London, I worked front desk. It was not something I thought I would be doing in my future, but it was something NEW, something away from family, something to TEST myself with. (the hotel provided lodging for employees who didn't live in London. We had a BUNCH of people from all over, Belgium, Holland, Ireland, Wales, Denmark (me), Italy and Japan.) IT was a GREAT year. I even considered staying, but Hotel business was not what I wanted to do.
I mention this because there ARE jobs out there that can TAKE you away from family and all their negativity, you just HAVE to think OUTSIDE the box.
A friend of mine volunteered with Red Cross in Africa when she was 22, and came home deciding a career in medicine. She is a pediatric oncologist (specializing in children with cancer).
Don't give up. Not on life, and not on yourself.
Start with ONE thing. Like finding a job.
(this is an older article, but I'm sure you can find some more recent ones to give you ideas)
http://www.theguardian.com/money/2012/sep/14/working-abroad-best-job-uk-graduates
Instead of looking back with regret - LOOK to the future and make the best out of your LIFE.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2015): you have saved money and could afford a gap year with a good voluntary organisation , some of which pay you a nominal sum and board and keep. It would be an interesting experience. It seems to me you were unlucky with a difficult room mate at uni. Some people just prefer not to share, so i think you are probably too independant for that set up. You clearly have remarkable gifts and talents so be kind to yourself because life is a long road a nd you seem to be a remarkable person to cope this far.Keep on keeping on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2015): Everyone has issues. I grew up with an abusive step father and when it all came out in the open I lost a hell of a lot. At times I thought my own sanity had gone!So at 17 I ended up staying with my bf for the night as my mum was going to sort out my stepdad. He never left and I never went back. It was shit. I was in the pits of darkness and lost every friend because they couldn't understand what had happened to me so I closed off. So except for my boyfriend I had little left. I stopped turning up to 6th form and did terrible in my A levels. Life doesn't end. I got a job for a bank even with terrible exam results, and I worked hard. It was a distraction and the money certainly afforded me freedom and independence and at 18 I got my own little place. I won't pretend family problems got easier. I had days where the struggle seemed huge. I felt like my life was wasting away too, because although I had a job it wasn't what I wanted to do and I began to feel massively trapped.I found a degree I could start through a local college and this year I finished and am starting the job I have always wanted to have. At 25 I certainly don't have it perfect, but my supportive bf became my husband and we have our own little place. Even with family problems prevalent other things picked up and I can find happiness. You can too.Please have hope and please don't give up. Where there is a will there is a way. Make a plan and stick to it. Depression can make you lethargic, can swallow you up completely if you're not careful. Visit your doctor and tell them as much as you can. Help will start. In my dark times I even rang the samaritans, they are wonderful and will listen to you without any judgement. They will even offer to call you back at certain times to make sure you're coping. It helps massively when you don't want to burden others, or have any one else.Don't compare yourself others, chances are most people have gone through some shit too and certainly aren't living as wonderful a life as seems they are. And if they are, good for them! We are all different and we all have our challenges in life. You have not wasted your life. Your family and your past do not have to define you. From now, plan what you would like to do and come up with ways you could achieve this. Get help from your gp and if you have depression or other concerns then this can be managed and you will be ever freer to work towards your ambitions xx
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A
female
reader, Help from Lisa +, writes (22 June 2015):
 I'M 20 years old myself, 21 in august and I use to think I have wasted my life. I haven't had a real job if i'm honest. But I think about it like this now, I am only 20 and my life is nowhere near over (i hope) but in all seriousness,I have have a tough life myself, i'm not going to lie because that won't get me anywhere. Everyone in life has had something happen that plays on their mind, some more than other. I know that coming from a family that is emotionally abusive is horrible, but what I think is if you keep looking back into the past then it won't get any easier. Try doing something that you love, something that can keep you occupied and keep your mind off what has happened, and think more about what you want to happen in the future. It won't always be that simple, I know, you have give it time and effort to get anywhere.Life is what you make it.I really hope this helps and that it gets easier. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2015): you have your life ahead of you and if you started in difficult circumstances you have done well enough. Congratulations on getting good A levels and getting to uni..i am glad you had the courage to try it. However uni is a life experience and not everyone is ready for it at the same time of their lives. It is commonly known that many mature students get the most out of it because in many ways younger students do get carried away with it. Many people have gone to uni and dropped out so dont beat yourself up over it. And older students tend to use their degrees in a more practical manner. If you never want to get involved in higher education again consider an apprenticeship in tv ...that can be a very friendly (or otherwise ) starting point for a wonderful cafeer.Dont belittle yourself if you grew up in the skool of hard knocks as many many others did.You are in very good company, if only you knew it.
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