A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:This is my first time on this forum so here goes.I have deep feelings for a married man. I am married. We both have young children. I see him often as our children socialize together. I have had these feelings for him for over a year now and I kept thinking they would go away, convincing myself it was only a crush but not only have the feelings not gone away but they have become even stronger. The attraction I feel for him is crazy. We have so many things in common, including the same religion, background, hobbies; our parents were even born in the same city, and really connected with each other on many different levels.I have tried everything, from ignoring him completely to being civil but only saying hello to being his friend. Nothing seems to work. My female intuition makes me certain he feels the same way about me. We continue to be friends despite the attraction but I am not so sure if I can handle it without getting in even deeper. A big part of me wants to be his friend because I enjoy the closeness to him but the other part is telling me to protect my heart. On top of this, my relationship with my husband is failing. I am not happy with him. I put more effort into my friendship with this man than into my marriage. My husband senses that I am no longer in love with him. But I am dependent upon him because I do not work and have children with him. If this other man stepped up to the plate and told me he was serious about me, I know that I would leave my husband for him. But I do not know what state the other man's marriage is in. Obviously not great if he is seeking attention from me. I am trying to feel him out to see if he returns my feelings. But I do not want to cross any boundaries. I truly know that adultery is wrong and I do not wish to do this. Honestly. Despite knowing the right and wrong of it all, I am left with these crazy feelings. I am finding it difficult to be a wife to my husband when I am in love with someone else. However, I feel trapped in this marriage. I don't know how long I can continue this charade. I know that everyone will tell me to work on my marriage and that something is missing etc. But I am so head over heels for this guy that I could never feel the same way about my husband again. I think about this other man everyday and wish I could be with him when I am with my husband.How would I know if this man truly cares about me? I am not sure he would tell me if he is married and he knows I am married. He does not know the state of my marriage, either. Is it not possible to fall for another person even though you are married? All I know is that I am an emotional wreck and this is eating away at me. Sitting in this constant limbo while having these feelings has been so hard on me. It hurts because you are left feeling this way and are not able to act on what you are feeling. If I ignore him, he comes to seek me out. I don't want to hurt him that way or play games. I have tried to ignore him and while I was doing it my heart just broke apart.I don't want to distance myself from this man or cut him off. He means too much to me. I really am in a difficult spot.If anyone can offer some advice, I would be happy to hear it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2011): I put more effort into my friendship with this man than into my marriage...."
Read your words again: no wonder YOU have failed your marriage. There is nothing wrong with your hb. You are the one bored and you are the one looking for excitement outside your marriage. Perhaps if you stopped daydreaming and got busy, trying to earn some money for your own upkeep it Willi ease those lonely hours.
"... But I am dependent upon him because I do not work and have children with him...."
What man will take on an unemployed woman and her kids, still support his wife and kids. Right now you are using your hb, you have the luxury of a stay at home mum, what are your qualifications? You do not know how good your life is. I work full time, pick and drop the kids to school and extra lessons, wait around for them to finish, rush home to help with homework and also cook the supper. Life is bloody tough, so instead os using your precious time to daydream about another womans hb, start getting your home in order. Start earning some extra money for your upkeep and survival. Your hb may be a fool slogging to provide for you, but another man won't. He will expect u to contribute to the household.
If u are fed up with your marriage then leave but do not break up another marriage. You will not find love and happiness this way. Since u are deliberately planning on ambushing this womans hb please realise that your sexual thrill will be short lived. Then u will be without man and money, and no shelter.
If u are bored: get a hobby. If your marriage is stale, then re ignite it. Re invest in it.
I attended a church do yesterday, while I was helping with the catering something struck me: I looked around at the women present and realised that my hb could have his pickings: meaning who wouldn't want a good provider, decent man, well attired (meaning neat), a family man, stable job and a man who loves good sex?? Yes I thought of these things while helping out bec when angry, I always tell my hb I will find him another wife to put up with his sh1t. Guess what OP: my hb doesn't need any help finding another partner, I am sure the women will be fighting to get their hands on him. You see a good man is so hard to find. So with you too, value your hb, he is precious.
Yes right now you are infatuated with another man, but turn it into a positive. Use this new found energy to reinvest in your marriage. You don't know it yet but the grass isn't always greener, and most often than not, when you are not looking, that rug is pulled from underneath you.
You only realise what u lost when it is too late. Right now your mind is clouded, you think of this married man s being better. He is not! Plse realise this.
LoveGirl
A
female
reader, Trinklett +, writes (17 April 2011):
 I can completely relate with you because I'm also in love with a married man. I'm married with kids and my husband and I don't get along. Only difference is I have a job that can support my family. Yes I've thought of hooking up with tHis other guy but I really want my marriage to work. I know most people in my shoes would have left but my kids. Ages 4 and 2. I put up with him just for their sakes. If you really want to leave your husband make sure this guy divorces his wife
. Or else it won't be worth it. I really do feel your pain.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 April 2011):
I am going to tell you to cut contact and work on your marriage. Here's why:
1 - You owe it to your young children to make a go of giving them a solid family. No disrespect to very hard working single parents, but it is a known fact that children from broken families end up worse of than children from stable homes.
2 - One day those same children will want to know why your marriage failed (because it will if you continue), and what will you say? "Sorry, I fell for another man, didn't cut constant and that's why it all went wrong"
3 - You don't love this other man. At all. You love an image. You love an idea. You love a dream. You don't really know this man, or what he is capable of. What you do know is that he's a married man seeking your attention - a very bad sign.
You owe it to your family, specifically your children who you have brought into this world, to make a go of your marriage. If you can't do that, you get up tomorrow, you go go file for divorce. Don't use the fact you are dependent as an excuse - that's a poor one, because you can get a job and get a settlement. You just wake up, you file and move on.
Or, as I say, you respect this other man's family, you show respect for your own and you cut contact with this other man.
The decision you make here will be one that defines you. Either you are a woman who is committed to her family and will give the marriage one last shot, or you are someone who is willing to throw it all away for some married guy who won't leave his wife anyway. And remember, one day you'll answer to your kids, who will have questions to ask and won't be forgiving if they don't like the answers.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (17 April 2011):
 Do nothing. The feelings are strong but they won't hurt you. Your heart does not literally break. Use your energies and channel them into creativity. Join a yoga club and learn to stay with your feelings and just observe them. I am not saying this is easy though. Find something else to occupy your time. Volunteer and focus on other people's happiness. You will be happier when you divert your attention outside. The universe is so vast, people are suffering and in comparison your problems would seem so little.
I am not saying this is easy at all. I had been a chronic day dreamer. In my life lessons I learned that all suffering comes from feeling seperate, isolated from the world.
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