A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’m torn as to whether or not I should go out with a guy who I don’t really fancy but I know holds a torch for me. He has always been really nice to me as a friend, though to be honest I have always kept him at arm’s length because of how much I knew he liked me. But he was the only one who really reached out to me on my birthday and I really appreciated it, to the point where I’m in two minds about finally giving him a chance.My 30th birthday last week turned out to be a complete write-off and I felt really let down by my close circle of friends. We were meant to be having a meal out together and then go into town for a night out but ALL of them were too skint to go. I know it’s not unusual and it’s the perils of having a birthday so soon after Christmas but I did give them all plenty of notice about it and they all assured me it was fine. I was really excited as well that no further COVID restrictions were bought in and it could actually happen. But No. All of them overspent over Christmas and couldn’t afford to go. They did say we’d do something at the end of the month after payday to make up for it which I suppose is better than nothing but it didn’t make me feel any better on my actual birthday, especially having to spend most of it on my own bar being to work.I was sat at home in the evening doing nothing when this guy messaged me saying happy birthday. We used to be work colleagues and actually car-pooled for a while before I left the company. Even though some of our journey’s together were quite awkward as he was really shy and quiet, I was going traveling in Asia after I left the job so the money I saved from not having to use public transport really went a long way to making the experience better, so I did always appreciate him for that as it was his car and he did all the driving and I just had to sub him a bit of petrol money each week. This was back in 2014. When I came back to the UK a year later I came back minus a boyfriend. As good as the trip was, we ended up splitting up. Spending so much time together kind of made us realize we weren’t right for each other. I moved in to live with my uncle, whose house just so happened to be a few streets away from my old colleague. So we got back in touch again, just casually chatting online every now and then. I never went as far as to go to his house or anything as we never got that close, but we went to the same bars and clubs in our local town so would always bump into each other on nights out and have a laugh together along with our other friends. I might have even given him a drunken new year’s kiss a few years ago, which led to him asking me out. I know it was wrong of me to kiss him and I’d clearly given him the completely wrong impression but he never held it against me when I turned him down and was happy to stay just friends, which again I was grateful for as I really didn’t deserve it after getting his hopes up like that.Don’t get me wrong he is good looking and can be really funny and sweet, but I just never felt any real kind of attraction towards him. The kiss we had was more me giving him one out of sympathy as he was stood on his own in a club as we rang in the New Year, I’d barely even spoken to him all night really. When he messaged me on my birthday I was feeling really fed up and wasn’t in the mood for chatting but we actually ended up having a really nice conversation and he cheered me up a lot. Like I said he was pretty much the only one who reached out to me properly. None of my closer friends went further than sending a text or posting on my Facebook. I didn’t even get a message from my Mum (though my relationship with her is another story in itself). He even had a dessert I said I was craving ordered to my house via Uber Eats as a late birthday present, which again I thought was really sweet. Of course I knew damn well he had ulterior motives but it’s gotten to the point where I think, stuff it, is it time to give him a chance? He's been nothing but nice to me ever since we met all those years ago and might actually be the one I've been waiting for. I really don't know what to do. I mean it could go really well and I could end up developing an attraction to him the more I really get to know him, but on the other hand we could go on plenty of dates and I just wouldn't feel anything for him other than friendship. One thing I realise is I am thinking about him a lot, surely that must be a sign?Any advice lovelies? ??
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (15 January 2022):
 So the only thing this schmuck has ever done that impressed you, is to remember your Birthday?
Not much of a start for a relationship.
Let's look at the REAL question. You just turned 30. Your friends are a bunch of flakes. You don't have a romantic relationship. And, your biological clock is ticking like the trump of doom. Any one who shows you an gram of caring is going to look like a white knight.
Nope Galahad is still a schmuck. Just lucky he remembered your birthday.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2022): I can't see it working in all honesty. Whilst it is true you can start to catch feelings for someone over time as you get to know them better, you've known this guy for about 10 years by the sound of things and it still hasn't happened. The time when you were car pooling should tell you all you need to know; instead of developing an attraction towards him you found him awkward. You are thinking about him more purely because of a kind gesture and the fact that he reached out to you when nobody else would on your special day.
You've now placed him on this pedestal and it seems to be clouding your judgement. In about a week's time I would wager a pretty penny you're not thinking about him anywhere near as much as you are now as the novelty of him will begin to wear off. Deep down you know you'll never feel that way about him so I'd just stay friends.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 January 2022):
 Nope leave him be, or rather keep him as a platonic friend only. Sure he wants more, but you realllllly don't. Not with him.
Just because he was kind and remembered your birthday doesn't mean he would be a good fit. The fact that you aren't into him, and that he is a total ego-rub for you and not much else, it would be unfair to go out with him.
Also, stop accepting gifts or food deliveries if he offers because HE has an ulterior motive and you know it. So accepting is just using him, IMHO.
Sounds to me that you are thinking of settling for a guy because you have no other options at the moment. And it sounds like you are trying to talk yourself into just going out with him. If you HAVE to do that, is he really a good fit?
I have tried this once myself. The date wasn't bad I just didn't like him "THAT" way but he became somewhat obsessed and it was creepy. I'm not saying this guy will turn out to be the same, however, he HAS kept tabs on you for a LONG time even after being rejected with the HOPE that at some point you might give him a "try".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2022): First, let me offer you a few caveats.
Don't date people out of sympathy or under any obligation. That is being artificial and deceptive. You know he has romantic designs on you; so be real, or decline his advances.
Leading people on knowing the outcome ahead of time is purely and egregiously deceptive.
If you can't move your feelings beyond platonic, there is no reason to pretend or take things any further than friendship. Making it clear to this gentleman that you don't want to force a friendship as a substitute for a romance; which is what you believe to be what he really wants. If you don't feel it, don't fake-it. Don't drag it out feeling sorry for him, that is worse than outright rejecting him. Playing him is despicable. Thus far, you've been honest; so please remain so.
The romantic side of me says this could be a golden-opportunity to test your feelings. Considering, from my own experience, I've purposely remained celibate and closed-off to romance when my partner of 28 years died of cancer. I wouldn't allow myself to feel physical or romantic-attraction towards people, fearing in someway I'd be cheating on my relationship...which by the way, was no longer in existence. You may be in the same mode, you split-up with a person some years ago; but you still knew this gentleman during that time. He somehow still represents that era of your life, and he probably brings back too many unhappy memories from those times during your demised relationship. You've cut all ties with the past, and he's the only thing that remains; thus it feels better to reject his romantic advances. Self-doubt is also a factor. If you feel at fault or harbor any guilt about what you've attributed to your breakup, you may feel primarily responsible; and subconsciously, you're trying not to hurt anyone else. Preemptive avoidance, to protect him and yourself. You simply don't want to feel hurt again. You know he likes you, and you avoid surrendering to those kind of feelings.
I tend to be extremely cautious about letting my feelings out; until I feel completely safe. I won't say due to distrust; but I got dumped in a trial-relationship that occurred a few years after my partner died. I let down my guard, and went with the flow. I got blindsided, and dumped; but I got a chance to feel something again. Love was not quite developed, but companionship and romance brought me back to life. I came to DC to open-up about my experiences post-breakup, and wrote a few articles on the subject. Since, I've found a new love; and the happily ever after occurred. Of course, with the usual trials and tribulations of a genuine relationship; but I had to let my guard down again to let it happen.
I've said all this to say, maybe you should give it a try. Just don't be pretentious or allow him to grow too attached. He's already infatuated, but YOU should set the pace. You should ask him to not make much of things, and you'd just like to see how things go. Be straightforward and honest at all times. If it's not working, say so from the get-go; don't use his feelings, or exploit his emotions to flatter your ego. You know he likes you, but the test is to see if there are any reciprocal feelings that you've suppressed for whatever reasons.
I hope this has made sense; and if there is anything you'd like me to clarify, please feel free to ask. I hope you'll update us in the future, if you do decide to give him a chance.
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