A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a widow and I have fallen in love with my late husband's best friend who is married. I had no intention to reveal my feelings to him and had wanted us to continue being very good friends. However, he took the first move and we ended up telling each other about how we felt. We also became physically intimate, though we did not go all the way. Both of us are very guilty and we have agreed to stop this "relationship". Initially, he said that we could only love each other in our hearts because he cannot give me a future. But he knows that I am sinking deeper and deeper and he has started to keep a distance from me. He said that if he does not do that, he will hurt me even more. And he said that he is trying to forget me and stop loving me. I asked if we could continue to just love each other without doing anything but he said that he cannot. Because if we continued this way, he would not be able to control himself. It seems impossible for us to revert back to being the very close friends that we were. Now I am very very careful in what I say or do so as not to make him distance himself even further. What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2007): This guy sounds decent. He may be confused as well. I think he is assuming that you want a 'serious' relationship and he is running scared I think. He may have thought that you wanted an interlude only(despite what he says) and is backing away to keep the slate clean for himself for sure...and probably for you. You are no doubt vulnerable right now and if you just lost your husband....maybe a little needy. Sometimes it is easy to mistake neediness for falling in love. Look at this realistically. Do you really want this man if you know it will be at the expense of others. From your post you sound decent and balanced. Put this in perspective. He may have been a bit of rebound...it may have been what you needed and if it goes no further...chalk it up to experience. I agree whole heartedly with Uncle Phil that you need to counteract this experience by getting out and meeting new people and by doing that the hurt and confusion of this will diminish. Sorry for your loss. In time someone available will come your way. Good luck hun
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2007): You are feeling very tender and vulnerable after losing your husband. You are trying to fill a big gap that's been left in your life.
Your husband's friend got carried away with you once and he's feeling guilty about that, but has realised too many people will be hurt if you carry on being deceitful to his wife, who you no doubt have a friendship with. He's trying to be as subtle as possible to let you know that he sees no future for the two of you. He sees himself unable to resist if you really put the romantic pressure on him and he doesn't trust himself, which is why he's trying to put some distance between you. Most men would succumb to an attractive woman when offered sex on a plate.
You have to get out and meet some new friends who share a common interest, like joining some sort of club or finding a new hobby that involves others.
There's no romantic future in this 'relationship' and he's tried to tell you in the kindest possible way that he can think of. Just tell him you accept this is going nowhere but you really value his friendship and would really like it to continue. Then put what happened between you firmly to the back of your mind and get on with the rest of your life - of which at your age there's plenty left to live.
Phil
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