A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My daughter aged 17 has just told me how her close friendship with another girl gradually ended. The two former friends are in separate 6th forms, my daughter in a college, her former friend in the local sixth form attached to the local high school, where they both used to go; my daughter transferred to the college because she had outgrown the school culture and wanted a more adult atmosphere to continue her studies before university. The discussion came up when I told her that I had seen this girl recently and said hello, but that she didn't even acknowledge me, almost as if she was in a kind of a trance. My daughter explained that she's gradually gone that way since her grandfather raped her (at the age of 10), and her family, and her church pursauded her friend not to say anything. My daughter was gradually cut off from seeing her. The family belongs to a fundamentalist christian church, with a very charismatic leader. This girl leads a protected life cut off from many former friends, she has her email and web browsing activity monitored (because they think she is depressed). She used to cut herself. Apart from my daughter handing her every telephone number for every child support agency there is. She is at a loss as to what to do, her parents and certain teachers have branded my own daughter as a bad influence.This "Grandfather" has some kind of role in the church sunday school, her family are all religious and very controlling. The church is more like a cult than the Anglican church it is part of.My daughter is sincere, mature, intelligent, doing well at college and at the same time responsible despite the greater freedom she enjoys in my own household. I'm demonised as the liberal, male, single parent, despite my own church upbringing I am not religious but not anti-church, my own moral philosophy is derived from a Christian Socialist upbringing; but I worry about the influence that this church has on vulnerable people. I have no reason to doubt what my daughter is saying. Should I go to the police? What can I do? I have no evidence, and will they believe my daughter especially if the former friend won't say anything, in 9 months time she will be out of the reach of any agency that might help her.Advice please.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2009): the police must be told.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): Be careful here. While you have no doubts as to intentions and integrity of your daughter, you really can't say the same for this girl.
Think carefully of the possible consequences to you and your daughter versus the chances of successfully helping this girl.
If you go ahead without any evidence and the agency's can't help her, then where does that leave her? You could be stirring up a hornets nest and you really can't know what effect it will have on her life.
She's a teenager and there are quite a few troubled teens out there, you really can't be sure that her family aren't doing the best for her in her situation, your actions might have a profound negative impact on her already troubled life.
If you can get proof then go for it, but if you cannot then it might not be a good idea to mess with a fundamentalist cult. You should have informal chats with the authorities and find out what kind of evidence is required and will it be possible for you to attain it.
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A
female
reader, Jackie63 +, writes (29 January 2009):
I think you should tell, and probably the sooner the better, before the girl turns 18. If her parents and her church don't take responsability as responsible adults should, then someone should do something about it and fast. But it is a difficult one indeed because the girl was abused years ago and may have been brainwashed for years by that church, who could have tried and make her feel guilty about what happened, or too ashamed to speak, because, from their point of view, this would be more convenient than letting the girl speak. I'm not sure I'd go to the police itself though. Even though your daughter is old enough, there is always the slight chance whoever she talks to at the police station doesn't take her seriously, seeing her as a "child", and she may not be able to provide evidence that this happened at all, making it difficult for the police to get an investigation going. I don't know much about legal proceedings but I get the feeling that they would probably have to have the victim herself acknowledge she was raped, or accuse that man of rape somehow, and if she's been brainwashed, as she could have been, getting that information would be hard. Anyway, this is what I would do: I don't know if you live in a big city in the UK but rather than the police, I'll look for a social worker, an organisation helping abused children, an organisation helping young people being manipulated by sects (because that church sounds like a fundamentalist one), whatever, and get advice from then on the course of action. They'll certainly know what's best and don't forget to tell them this is urgent, as something would probably need to be done before she turns 18. It's good you're taking your responsibility, you may be able to help the girl greatly but remember it's not an easy one and if that church is any influential where you live, they could try and damage your reputation or that of your daughter. You and your daughter should really think through the consequences of trying to help that girl before you do, although, were I in your position, I'd try without the shadow of a doubt. Hope this helps. Jackie.
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