A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am a high school senior that will be graduating at the top of my class in about year if all goes well. I have been dating a college student that is about 3 years older that I met by his brother that is my best friend. We have similar backgrounds as far as family affairs go and were both abused which set bonding grounds when we became close enough to share theses experiences. Because of my status at school as valedictorian and being a much "sought after" student to have present in class many of my teachers fear the thought that I will be getting myself involved in a situation that I will not be able to handle and might be pressured into something serious like falling in love or having sex. I am still a virgin and take pride in being so while still in high school....while on the other hand my boyfriend is pretty experienced.About a week ago my boyfriend and I got into a serious conversation involving our feelings towards one another. I really have never thought that he would be capable of having an emotional relationship due to things I have heard about his past involving girls and his horrible relationship with his mother. The night after he showed up at my house and I was asked to quietly leave the house to come talk to him outside while he was intoxicated and needed someone to talk to while he was down. During our two hour conversation he presented a ring that he stated was for our two month that he bought before he started drinking... he claimed that he really wanted to wait but that he felt a great desire to go ahead and give it to me but that he really didn’t know if it meant anything. About thirty minutes later he told me that in his previous relationships he has always had the feeling of wanting to be there but with me he felt that he needed to be there. He went on to tell me that he loved me before I left to return to bed. I asked him the following morning if he meant everything he said and he said yes but sense then he has been acting like because I don’t say I love him that I don’t care about him at all. I have responded to theses statements with that fact that because I don’t know if I would die for him…I don’t feel as though I love him…and I cant see him loving me because he straight up told me that he doesn’t know about the idea of dieing for me.So, my questions are... Is there a chance that he actually loves me even though in the past when he said it, he only said it because he thought that’s what the girls wanted to hear? Does he sound like he is more into the idea of being in love rather than loving me? Would him discontinuing drinking be a sign that he actually does love me? I am very confused about everything including how I feel...my past has created a boundary which I have never before wanted to escape from by having feelings for another...but this guy has created this feeling inside me...now I just don’t know if he is worth it or if he will even stick around. Also, because we have only been dating for 6 weeks and he told me that he loved me a week ago… does this mean that it does have a greater chance of only being a desire to be in love rather than loving me….or could it just be his immaturity male statues at the young age of 20 that doesn’t give him the experience of even knowing what love is even though he says he knows what he wants now after experiencing so many different relationships?
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female
reader, mcbirdie  +, writes (6 June 2007):
 Well, first, I'm not sure if I would use "willing to die for" as a benchmark for being in love. That is more a movie's idea of love than real love. And yes, how you see love and understand it do change as you get older and get more experience with relationships.
However, that is not to say that you cannot feel love at your or his age. I was passionately in love with a man when I was 19, and I can still look back and realize that what I felt was indeed love, it just wasn't the right relationship. The thing with love is, that it doesn't really happen on any schedule, or fit to set standards. You can be in love with someone who you have to accept isn't right for you, or not be in love with someone who should be perfect for you. It is fickle and difficult and doesn't tend to get any easier.
It is impossible to tell you if he is in love with you, in love with love, or just desperately needing to form a connection with someone right now. All you can do is take your time in the relationship and see how things progress. Does he act in a way that supports his declarations? Not the big gestures, but the little ones--does he show real interest in the little things in your life? Do you feel you can depend on him? These are the things that will give you a better idea of why he feels what he feels.
Overall advice, though...stop worrying about defining love. Relax, take your time, and see how the relationship feels for you.
Best of luck.
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