A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice just like everyone else does. My girlfriend and I started as a one night stand and quickly progresses into a relationship. We met on a Sunday and went out for drinks that Wednesday and then to the movies that Friday. Each time sleeping together. Then out to dinner again the following Wednesday and again on Friday. The following Tuesday we said we would be exclusive to each other. Then two days later she told me she had been sleeping with a coworker even with me in the picture and had ended it a week- week and half after knowing me because she started to have feelings for me. After a while we talked it over and the only time she can 'remember' was in the first week the Thursday in between drinks one night and movies with me the next. Looking back she told me about this guy at work like he was an asshole and no one liked him. This was back in march. About a month ago I went into her computer and saw an email to the guy two weeks after we met (she told me she ended it a week and half after we met) asking him to fuck and the previous night she had spent the night with me. And another email conversation to her friend saying she would still fuck him even with me in the picture. She claims she never did anything that night or ever again and that it was only that one time. I love this girl but really am having a hard time getting over this. We're both 24 and very serious and I wouldn't have a single issue with her if it wasn't for this. I don't want to break up with her over this but I just can't forget about it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2011): I had th esame thing happen to me, except that instead of it happening in a window of a few weeks, it happened in a few months (as in, she invited over the "overlap" guy after we got in an arguement a month after we developed feelings for each other). It tore me up for months, and I did leave her at one point because of it. She swore nothing happened, and it is years later and I am convinced she is telling the truth. I stuck it out, and I am now with the most amazing woman in a very special relationship.Crazy things can happen when 2 people meet. If her heart is with you, you will know it, and the rest doesnt matter. Remember...its just sex, and it happened so early on, it really is immaterial.
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (25 August 2011):
Its just sex. One day you were having meaningless sex with her, and she apparently also with others, and now its meant to mean something? Looks like being exclusive has different meanings to each of you and you clearly don't trust what she said. Sounds like you should go back to having casual sex with her, you probably will have more fun.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2011):
I don't trust her. She was lying to you about who she was sleeping with and she openly told her friend that she wouldn't mind continuing to do it behind your back. Dishonesty is wrong every time, not just after you get serious.
This is a typical case of snooping. The snooping was wrong but what it uncovered was much more wrong.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 August 2011):
 If you can't forget about it then at least do yourself and her a favour and let it go. Don't speak of it, and certain do not snoop! Snooping is a deal breaker in most relationships, and if she found out you might very well get dumped.
In my eyes, your snooping and reading private e-mails (which is illegal) is much much worse than her having a fling with a guy before you and her got exclusive. After all, she was just a one night stand and a shag to you back then, so why should you have meant more to her? The moment things started to become more she called it off with the other guy. God knows why she was honest enough to tell you about it, because her honesty is now biting her in the ass.
Be a good guy now. She didn't do nothing wrong. If you don't want to leave her, then stay with her, but you don't need to be bringing this matter up. Learn to live with it and put it behind you. In a few years time you wont be thinking about this so much, but if you begin to obsess about it it'll stick to your mind forever.
Don't tell her you snooped, and swear to yourself to never bring the topic up again or the relationship might end. Choose what is most important to you: the first week and a half after you met (when you weren't exclusive) or the time you have with her since you became exclusive.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (24 August 2011):
I understand to some extent why you're having trouble getting over this. It sounds like your girlfriend had a fwb situation with her co-worker, and she also slept with you right away. As you said, the two of you started as a one night stand and it turned into a relationship. During your initial meetings, you also know she was sleeping with her fwb. Perhaps the underlying issue is that you don't put much "value" on her because of her casual approach to sex? That would be pretty judgmental of you since you were a willing participant when you first hooked up, but I do see how that thought process could arise.If that is the case and you don't value her very highly, then you'll have to decide if it is something you can eventually get over or if it is a deal breaker. The circumstances won't change, and we're talking about events from about six months ago when the two of you were not exclusive. Time alone is unlikely to change your feelings much on this issue from her on out... you'll either accept it or it will keep eating at you.As far as your girlfriend's behavior itself, I honestly don't see an issue. She was completely honest with you right away telling you that she had been sleeping with her co-worker and that it overlapped with you. The difference between a week and a half and two weeks is what, 2 or 3 days? That's immaterial. Her memory of events could be off by that much, she probably isn't out to deceive you. It sounds like she is telling the truth as she recalls it, and that once the two of you decided to be exclusive you became the only one.In fact, I could say that if anyone is in the wrong a bit it is you. You admitted to snooping in her email. That's an invasion of her privacy. If you hadn't of snooped, would you be this bothered? Just some food for thought.Best of luck in whatever you decide!
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A
female
reader, tigerfeet  +, writes (24 August 2011):
If you have feelings for someone you cannot go bed hopping. Where does respect for each other come into play.
Can you respect this partner?
Relationships are built on trust.
Can you trust this partner?
You may have to re-evaluate where this relationship is going, can you both live in a relationship where you both do your own thing.
Seems to me your partner moved the goalpost and decided to cheat on you with another.
Buiding this relationship back up will take time good for you to want to make it work. So many relationships break down through people walking away it's harder to stay to try and make it work.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2011): She's lied to you, there's no doubt about that and I would guess that while she was with this other guy, she didnt feel that things were going to progress to a relationship with you. But they have now. Talk to her, I think at this stage you both need to be really honest so tell het=r you looked at her emails, she wont like it so you will need to explain why you did it and that you are sorry and wont do it again. But also confront her on what happened. My guess is that she was not that serious about you and although she said that she would still f**k this other guy with you in the picture, explain that you know she siad this and try to establish if she is being honest or not. You should be able to tell or not if this girl is really in to you and if she is likely to be faithful from now, good luck.
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A
female
reader, auntyR +, writes (24 August 2011):
Just remember when this guy was in the picture, you both were just dating and not official. So just try and forget about him and move on with your relationship. What's the point in going over the past all the time when you should be thinking ahead.
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