A
female
age
51-59,
*ysticgirl
writes:I have been in a very loving relationship with a separated guy for just about 2 years. He was only living on his own for about a month, when he and I met. He and his wife were kind of separated for many years (not sleeping in the same bedroom) prior to him moving out. He has 2 sweet girls and they are the main reason that he waiting so long to move out. I am divorced for 1 1/2 years and have 3 children of my own. My 2 girls are the same age as his two. We are both very much in love and feel that we are soul mates. We have so many things in common and communicate great. About 6 months into our relationship, he told his wife that he met me and that he really liked me a lot and we had the kids meet me and my kids meet him. She was fine with things and said she was happy that he was happy. She would kiss me hello anytime she saw me. We would talk like no big deal. Things between them was ok and he would always say that they are better because they are not living in the same house and they are not fighting anymore. The kids some what felt the same way.Well, about 6 months ago, she has decided that she now wants him back and that she made a huge mistake and that she was sorry.. she says she still loves him, and please let's try again. He told her he was sorry and that he has moved on. He told her that they are over and that he was in love with me. He feels bad for her and so do I. I know that I did not break this family up. They are married for 16 years. But it still hurts. He had some misfortunes happen when he first went to file for divorce last year, and had to find a new attorney in January. He was not rushing anything because he has a lot of assets and needed to make sure everything was done correctly. Now that she has been continuing to beg for him back, he is going forward more so. She has been sending him text messages that she is going to take pills and hurt herself, which brings on the quilt for him. She was never a stable person, even before this. Now it seems she is starting to bring the kids into it. She is making excuses that they have things to do, so he can't see them. I feel horrible to be the outside person here. I do try to give him some advice without being offending. But sometimes its really difficult because I worry about the kids. His girls really like me but I know they feel bad for their mom. She is in total denial and feels that maybe eventually she will get him back. We have had some arguments which has strained our relationship a little. I have been in this relationship for a long time now. What can I do to make this easier for all of us? Some days I feel like I will stay with him as long as it will take for him to get divorced and then other times I am like I can't handle all this drama. Each time I bring up to him when is this divorce going to happen he says he is sorry and he is doing everything he can to make it happen quicker. She is going to make this difficult and drag it out as long as she can. Most likely he will end up with nothing. Has anyone ever been with someone that is getting divorced and dealing with the soon to be ex? How did you handle it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2009): Mystic girl, although i can sympathise with what you are going through, have you considered what this woman has been through. I know you are now feeling sorry for your bf at realise this: the kids are the only ones she has left, if your bf takes them away from his wife, what does she have left in this world. He is fortunate to have moved on one month after leaving her. He found you and he soon moved on quickly with you. Think like a woman, do you know generally how hard it is for woman to move on. This is a hard reality. You were lucky you moved on while still being married to your own hb, this woman has not. You have not walked in her shoes. You do not know what she has gone through. Your bf has not supported her emotionally with the transition from being his wife to now only being the mother of his kids. I think he needs to acknowledge his failure as a hb, after all this woman is still his wife, it is HIM that strayed , not her. Without hashing things out with you, this is the reality of the situation. You are still with a married man. Separated or not, he has not signed on that dotted line. Selfish man for prolonging his wifes agony. Selfish man for now wanting to play good daddy when he abandoned his kids in the first instant. Now he wants to take the kids away from her, when SHE is the one taking care of them.s o what if she is emotionally clingy, so what if she is emotionally needy, so what if she is having a real hard time accepting that her marriage is over. So what if she is not this goody two shoes mommy. She is mourning, she needs to heal. Stop your self righteous nonsense and see things from her perspective. You moved on while still legally married to your hb, you did not mourn the loss of your hb, in fact you have HER HB. Keep your sympathy for someone who really deserve it: i.e for your lovers wife. Allow her her time to mourn for good ness sake. She is mourning the end of her marriage, the end of a family unit. We all mourn differently. It doesn’t make it right or wrong. Divorce and separation is devastating on its own, couple this with your spouse moving on one month later, is heart wrenching. You really do not know what she is going through so please stop blackening her name and stop the lover acting like a drama queen. He may not care about the 16 years of marriage but his wife does. Her coping mechanism is not intact right now. Yes the concern for his kids are paramount right now, but where was his concern for them when he left them? Now he wants to play righteous daddy?? He has not done the decent thing by far i.e getting a divorce. This man has th best of both worlds. Still a husband two years later and playing house with his lover. Mystic i am not judging your situation, just trying to tell you to see the reality from where i am sitting. My darling, divorce is devastating. You are lucky you moved on so quickly.
A
female
reader, mysticgirl +, writes (1 November 2009):
mysticgirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, Thanks for the responses...
Here is an update only a week or so later. Last night she called my boyfriend and was hysterical on the phone with him. She just got back from a halloween party and was crying and saying that no one likes her (she's 49 yrs old) and there is no reason for her to live. He asked right away where one of his daughters was. She was upstairs in her room. The other daughter was at a sleepover. She said she has to sell the house and she cant live there anymore. She was drinking we are sure, but she denied that. He told her that you have to think about the kids. They love you very much and he said something along the lines that he is going to fight for custody. She is really messed up and continues to make these threats. Part of me feels that she is just doing all this for attention. The other part is concerned that she would follow through. As I said before she is not stable at all. Before my boyfriend and her were married she had spent some time in a mental hospital. But over the years they were together, she was ok... She has been on many different medications and does see someone..
So, because of all this, I at first got really annoyed with him, we were together and then he walked off for 20 minutes to talk to her about it. He didn't seem to want me around, but afterwards I yelled at him that I do not give a crap about her. I am just really worried about the kids. I told he to call his daughter that was home to make sure she was ok.. and she said she was. I am trying so hard to be supportive and understanding. After he talked a little about what was said, we were fine. I mentioned to him about calling his attorney to explain what she has been saying and doing. He is so worried about the kids, so why hasn't he looked into taking them away? He knows that this would devastate her and so do I, but the kids are the ones to be concerned about. It is really strange, but I wish so badly that I could speak with her directly and tell her what I feel about all this. I know that she wouldn't want to hear from me, the person that her husband is in love with. Oh boy, this is really difficult to deal with. Any ideas on what I should do, and not sound like i am telling him what to do? Believe me I have been overly supportive, because I love him...
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (24 October 2009):
Your BF needs to forward all her messages to his attorney and get an opinon as to what to do. I'd use this as part of the divorce, and possibly consider seeking custody of the kids. She needs to limit her correspondence with him to matters involving the children.You two need to be unified in all this, as she will try to pry you apart if she sees a weakness. He needs to get this divorce overwith ASAP. 2 years is far too long, reguardless of how much property is involved. People with huge estates, mutiple homes and all kinds of stuff can get divorced in a few months... why can't he?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (23 October 2009):
I think what has happened here is that she was left unhappy, whereas your boyfriend found you and happiness. Naturally, she has seen him in a new light, and now wants him back because she thinks that he can bring her the same happiness he has brought you. Wisely, and thankfully, your boyfriend has seen this can't happen and has proved his commitment to you. The most important thing is that you be there for him and try not to let this get to you, because it's what she wants. Be there for him. Also, what she's doing with the children is illegal and she can be forced to hand over the kids if she uses them as a weapon, so don't be afraid to take legal advice. Good luck.
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