A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I have been dating this girl for about 2 years (I'll call her K) now and this same problem keeps on arising. My ex girlfriend (i'll call her N) of 2 years and I are good friends and we have been since about a year after we ended our relationship (this was long before I met my current girlfriend). Basically my ex and i went out from the last 2 years in school and on and off for the first year of uni till we eventually broke up. About 8 months later we started talking again and slowly started becoming friends. Needless to say I did harbour some feelings for her for a while.About a year and a bit after that I met K who was on the same course as N and they were good friends (even to the point of them living together). I was mates with them both for about 2 years and for one of those years we all lived together along with 2 other guys. During our time of living together me and N had sex a couple of times and at one point me, N and K fooled around a bit after a drunken night out.After about 8 months of living together me and K started to get close and began having sex and going out with each other. N wasn't best pleased, but in my defence N had gone out with a friend of mine when we'd broken up. Obviously the fact that K and N were mates was a huge problem. Anyway us three living together became a problem and eventually we all went our own seperate ways, and 1 and half years later I am still with K.Basically I am still good friends with N and this regularly cause problems between me and K. This wasnt as big a deal as it should've been till K and N had the bright idea of living together again in a different city as they were both going to be doing the same 1 year course. Obviously this means that often we all find ourselves out at nightclubs and spending some time together when I go down to see K or when K and N come back up to my city for seperate reasons.Me and K regularly talk for hours and hours about the subject and it really stresses me out as I can't see any way around the problem, considering I don't intend to severe my friendship with N especially when I was friends with her even before I went out with K and also bearing in mind that K knew what she was getting herself in to. I should point out too that K thinks N is constantly trying to better her when it comes to me, i.e. telling stories which involve me. I am fully aware that this may just be subjective to K and there is a possibility of what N is saying being completely innocent but obviously K has made her mind up, regardless of whether this is the case or not.I should also point out that upon going out with K my feelings for N ceased, I guess I realised that there were other women out there and an amazing one at that! Basically in conclusion I want to know if I am being unreasonable being friends with N because I dont think so, also does anyone have any ideas how this can be solved. According to her the only 2 ways K has come up with is I stop being friends with N or us splitting up, two very drastic solutions I'm sure you'll agree. Also bear in mind K and N cannot not live with one another for at least another 5 months, by which point I wonder if it will be too late to salvage anything.Sorry for the long post, any feedback would be much appreciated!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2009): Hi there! What a messy situation you have got there!.. :) Your analysis of it seems very sound though, and I think the fact that you are actually writing asking for help is very meaningful. You want to save your relationship with K. She needs to know this. And you need to know if she wants the same thing too! if you both want that, then the first option she proposes is out: no split-up (that would, in my outsider's opinion, be very silly!). Second option: break-up the friendship. It just so happens that you are not happy with this. You need to communicate this and the reasons for this to K. But bear in mind that she might not be fully aware that you have absolutely no more feelings for N, and when you say this friendship is meaningful to you, K might be hearing that you might still have feelings for N. The most obvious solution to me is for K to move out and 1)keep you and herself happy in your relationship; 2) let you have your friendship with N; 3) let her (K) herself have her friendship with N.
I am not sure why K seems not to be prepared to make a move that would clearly 'feed' your relationship as opposed to 'feeding' her friendship with N. It might be that the two alternative options that you have given her were: either you two split or K moves out. But if this is the case, the difference between the options both of you are throwing on the table is "who is going to change something in his/her relationship with N?". What you have to point out to K is that her moving out does not mean her friendship with N breaking up, whereas that (very extreme, I agree) solution is what she is asking of you.
Hope this might somehow help. And good luck! - don't underestimate love because it doesn't *really* happen that often...
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