A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is very hard for me to type because I've never spoken about this to anyone. I came here because I feel like I need some advice on this. It's been some time and I still can't move on from this. Sorry for the long post but I could really use some advice.About 4 years ago, my dad cheated on my mom. I was 16. We were having financial problems back then and we were all stressed out but he chose to let his stress out by cheating on my mom with another woman. During that period of time, he frequently lashed out at my mom for no reason. We didn't understand why and just took it as him being temperamental. Until one day where I caught him walking with his arm around another woman. I didn't tell my mom or my 2 elder sisters then because I was SO afraid that I would break up our family. So I just kept it to myself. But that didn't matter because a few weeks later, my mum overheard him on the phone with his mistress. She found out anyway.So there was a huge confrontation and honest to god, he acted like a total asshole. He did not apologize. He made my mom so sad. He broke her heart. He continued to live with us but no one spoke to him at all for 2 whole months. It was like living with a stranger. My 2 elder sisters and myself weren't on speaking terms with him either. The only person who still loved him and spoke to him was my little brother, who was 9 years old at that time and hardly understood anything that was going on. I hated him for what he did. I can't begin to tell you how much I hated him. I hated the way he treated my mother. I was disgusted by his behaviour. I lost all respect I had for him. I couldn't even look at his face for months. After about 4 months, slowly, he tried reconciling with my mom. They had a talk and my mom ended up forgiving him. He never did apologize to his children though. In the end, he just acted like nothing ever happened. He started trying to talk to us just like how he used to. My mom reminded me every day to not be rude to him because, in her words, 'he is still your father no matter what'. It was because of her and her words that I tried to 'act normally' around him and not be so hostile and rude. Fast forward to 4 years later. Now I'm 20 years old and still living with my family. Things are great between my dad and my sisters and mother. They laugh and joke and it's all normal - just like the way it used to be. When I look at them laughing together like that, I realise that oh my god, I'm the only one who hasn't gotten over it. Whenever I speak with him, it's awkward and I can't wait to leave. I act like things are normal when I'm with him but deep inside, I'm having difficulties forgiving him. He notices, of course, and I see that he's trying so hard to 'get on my good side'. I mean, he's so much more understanding than he was before and he's just generally a nicer man. Like for example, last week, I told him that I was going hiking with a friend at this pretty dangerous place. The old him would have firmly said no, you can't go (even though I'm 20 and an adult). But this 'new him'? He gave me the green light. He even gave me 500 bucks to spend, even though I insisted that I didn't need the money. It's really obvious that he's trying to win his daughter back. I know that he's trying. I'm trying really hard too but no matter how hard I try, I can't forget everything that happened. When I look at his face, I see the asshole who cheated on my mom. I don't see a dad. I don't know what to do because it has been 4 whole years and everyone seems to have moved past it and put the incident behind them yet here I am, still finding myself so angry at him. I feel so terrible for my inability to find room in my heart to completely forgive him. Has anyone been in a similar situation? If so, how did you deal with it? How did you get over this? Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2014): I am the OP of this question.I would just like to express my sincere thanks to everyone who responded to this question. All of you gave very sound advice. All of you encouraged me to look at things from another perspective and I appreciate that. Your responses have made me realise that I can't move on from this because I haven't made peace with the situation. I think the only way I can make peace with the situation is to take the first step and address this issue with my dad. And I think that's exactly what I'm going to do. He's not going to like it because I'm bringing up past issues that I know he'd rather not talk about, and I know it's definitely going to be difficult and rather awkward, but you have all made me see that this is something that I must do in order to move on from this. And god knows how much I would like to move on from this. Once again, thank you for all your advice and well wishes. I appreciate you taking your time to respond.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2014): try to be greatful for the fact that you have a dad whenever you start to despise him. there are people like my mother who no longer have fathers.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2014): You were only a child when you witnessed your father's infidelity.
You were not prepared for the shock, and you didn't have the emotional tools to face something so serious at such a very young age. Old enough to know what's going on; but not how to deal with it. You were in no position to confront him about it. He was an adult, and your authority figure.
You were the first to know, and you secretly held it all-inside. That gave it a chance to bury itself in your mind at a time when you didn't have the psychological maturity; or emotional facilities to deal with it.
His subsequent horrible behavior for the deed; deepened your stress, and amplified your trauma. You handled it all alone. No one knew what you were going through. If they did, they would have addressed your feelings.
Your mother is the central-figure in all of this. She is the glue that held your family together through tough times.
You are too consumed in anger and resentment. You are completely traumatized by the whole incident; and all the prior family-drama that led up to your unfortunate discovery about your dad. The final straw was his nasty behavior; when your mother rightfully confronted him. His arrogance and lack of remorse was all anyone could stand.
Like me, you're the middle-child. We are more attuned to
rifts and changes that ripple through the family than our siblings.
Being between the youngest and oldest, we are are always observing the rest from a totally different perspective. We are often left to fend for ourselves.
We take care of the younger ones, and the older ones distance themselves from us in their own little worlds.
We are usually more independent and detached. Aloft. That's what it's all about being the middle child.
That was a lot for a 16 year-old girl to handle. You felt he deserved to be punished. You could never forgive him; because your heart is still set on punishing him.
He betrayed the whole family; but not more than he betrayed your mother.
It was her place and decision to hold the family together; and work things out with your father. It was never yours. You are the one who needs help. She neglected to explain to you what was going on. She didn't realize how deeply injured you are.
She was too busy dealing with her own feelings, and the others were so young they just outgrew it; or didn't actually witness your father with the other woman. They were all spared that pain. That vision is indelible in your memory. It refuels your anger.
You need to invite your father out to a vineyard, or by the ocean for long heart-felt talk. I suggest a place far away from home, away from the rest of your family. Just the two of you. Spend a day together.
You should completely unload your feelings about what he did. Just between you, and him.
Tell him how much it hurt you, and how angry he made you. Tell him how much hate you feel for how he treated your mother, only to betray her with another woman. Tell him exactly how you felt the day you saw him with his arm around that woman. Every bloody detail.
How you felt when you watched him verbally abuse your mother through the hardest time in all your lives. Tell him exactly what a jerk he is. Once you bear your soul, you will purge all your resentment.
Then shut-up and allow your father to talk to you. He may not open up at the moment. It may take time. This exercise is for you. You're the one suspended in time, and never moved forward from your life at 16. Everyone else has found their peace. Now you must find it yours. That will be by having a deep heartfelt talk with your father, far removed from everybody else.
Then forgive him. It will be easier, once you let him carry the pain he should have lifted off your 16 year-old shoulders four years ago; but he never did.
My dear, I hope you will seriously consider my advice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2014): I am really sorry to hear about how hard it is for you to move on from this. I had a father who cheated and seeing the man I respected and adored so much hurt my mother was awful and still affects me now, as I worry how it will influence my own relationships now I'm an adult.Luckily though my parents are now in a very loving, stronger-than-ever relationship and I am very close with my dad. But this is due to us being very honest with eachother. It's great that you can be civil with your dad, and you have to accept you may never be close, but that feeling so strongly about this for so long isn't healthy..The other answer suggested this is between your parents alone but that's simply not true. At 16 you would have been at the most impressionable age discovering what adult relationships are like I imagine. It was more than likely hard for you to catch him first, because you must have wanted to protect your mother. Maybe on some level you feel some guilt for not having done more sooner, although you shouldn't as this wasn't your responsibility at all. Butto have that influence at 16, to realise your parents, who you'd known to be happy your whole childhood, is going to take away any illusions you may of had of what a happy, healthy relationship looks like. And that will resonate with you forever now. Your father lived in your house, with 3 daughters on the cusp of adulthood, and didn't behave as he should, he knew you were old enough to understand what had happened. Of course he owed you an apology, this isn't about infidelity, or even about how he made your mum feel, it's about explaining how much not only his marriage means to him, but his children too, assuring you he is not going to hurt you like this again, and that he's made amends to look after you all, not just your mother. It's also about teaching you respect and understanding for your adult relationships, explaining that it's not ok for men to treat women like that (or vice versa) and that he would never want to see that for his daughters, which is why he should feel ashamed and apologise.But one thing I agree with above, approach your mother and your sisters, if you have difficulty talking to your father. Ask her open questions: 'how did you find it in you to forgive?' Be direct 'I know he's my father, but this is important to me' try writing it in a letter, you're clearly a good writer and can explain that you don't want to re-open old wounds, you respect your father and can see him trying to regain your trust, but you need the reassurance of why this happened, and that he won't hurt your family again before you can let this go, all you want is to have a good relationship with your whole family.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2014): I know my dad was cheating on my mom at one time. But later I found out my mom had already cheated on him like 10 years earlier. He agreed to stay with her if she gave him a free pass of his own. You can never really know all the ins and outs of someone else's relationship.Does your father's treatment of your mother (and of all of you?) during the rough time bother you more than his cheating? That is kinda how it sounds here. That is not quite the same issue.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2014): I do sympathise, and whilst he did only cheat on your mother, he still put the while family through a lot. But I think you need to seek answers as to why you can't move pass it, either by questioning why you feel the way you do to a great extent or seeking help from a therapist to help you move past it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2014): Well, I perfectly understand how you feel.I was extremely disappointed in my mom when I learned she was seeing someone else than my dad (she was receiving texts all the time, she was closing herself in the toilet to chat with him, she was lying to me about what she was doing, etc.). I hated my mother and had lost all kind of respect I had for her. I also caught her arguing with my dad (seems like he found out) and saying that he started it first (to be honest, I have no clue what she was talking about but seems like my dad also cheated on her).I was shattered. To me, cheating is like the worst of the worst you can do to your partner. I didn't know what to do and was crying every night.At some point, I met my gf and life moved on. I left the house, decided to put everything behind me and learned to accept my parents with their faults. They don't fight anymore and I don't think they keep seeing their respective lovers. To be honest, I don't even care anymore what they do. I have no say over their lives. I just want them to keep me out of their arguments.I do not know how easy it is for you to move out but do it if you can. You have to put some distance to preserve your sanity. You have to move on with your life and learn to accept that you will never be able to control what your parents do. If I might say, life is too short to keep grudges over such things. They are your parents and will always love you.I hope my testimony has eased your troubles a bit. Just accept that the past is the past and life will be easier. It is for your mom to forgive your dad, not you.Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 February 2014):
 OP you are not going to like my response but I’ve in some ways been where you are now. In 1984 after nearly 30 years of marriage my dad had an affair. I was a married pregnant woman (just a few years older than you are now) living with my husband at the time. When my mother found out my father moved out for a few months. After a while, my mother forgave him and they moved past it. Sadly they only had 11 more years together and my mother died (from cancer) in his arms with my holding her hand.
While something like this affects the whole family, it’s really not a family issue so much as an issue between the married couple. As children we are often privy to things that our parents go through that sadly for them should be more private for the couple but since the kids are there, they are part of it as well even when it’s not their place.
You said “He never did apologize to his children though.” WHAT does he owe YOU an apology for? HE DID NOT CHEAT ON YOU.
Your mother is very wise with her ‘he is still your father no matter what” She’s right.
You said “It's really obvious that he's trying to win his daughter back.” NOT to me. What I see is a man that made a big mistake in his marriage. He worked with his WIFE and she FORGAVE HIM. Perhaps he learned his lesson about things, perhaps he had some therapy that caused him to interact with people differently or see things differently. Part of aging is growing and changing. Over the years my father has changed and mellowed. Much of it started after the separation was over and done and the parents were working on rebuilding their marriage and their life together… your father may not be trying to “win his daughter back” so much as he may have changed how he views and interacts with the world IN GENERAL. Sadly it seems to me that you still have the “I am the center of the universe” attitude that is so prevalent among teens.
You are angry with him for what? For hurting your mom? Then talk to her and ask her how she forgave him. Ask her for help in finding peace with something that is a. over and done, b. out of your control and most importantly C. NOT something that was done to you.
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