A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Last week my boyfriend and I almost broke up. He was troubled with the idea that we were meant together. We talked it over and were still together. Tonight he went out to a bar with his friend even though I asked him to stay home with me. While he was gone curiousity got the best of me and I found one of the forums he writes in. He described the fight but also mentioned being attracted to another woman who is a bartender at his usual bar. She asked him to come home with her and after thinking about decided against it. Now he wants to work at this bar. He also wrote about this woman the night before we had our big fight.I know he will be extremely mad if he found out I looked at his computer and I know that the point he didn't go with her means a lot but how can I trust that he won't later on? Is there a way to bring this up without making him mad? I know I won't be okay with him working at that bar but how can I say so without pushing him away?
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for the quick advice!
I ended up just waiting until he got home and talked about it. I told him it wasn't the job i was worried about but working with that woman. He was sad that i didn't trust him but i explained how my last relationship ended with him cheating so he somewhat understands. He has told her about me and i do plan on going there next time he goes out. He has offered for me to come along but i always thought it was a guys night out thing. I didn't tell him about the snooping and I probably won't. I'll probably check it every now and then but for now i just need to go there and make sure that both of them know that im not willing to let this go on right under my nose.
A
female
reader, Honor  +, writes (31 October 2008):
This is tricky and I do feel for you. And it is a dilemna as of course it could cause further arguments if he found out you snooped through his stuff. Yet alot of people may say to confront him, which I believe could make things worst plus he may lie/not confess or nothing happened when you may suspect otherwise. And of course there is the issue of being able to trust him. I think in a way if he didn't know that you were aware of it, you could still be able to monitor his behaviour via this forum with this girl over the next few days before making your final decision on what to. So in a way it could be in your own interests that he doesn't know just yet. Some may say it is sneaky but in a way I think it is ok as you are giving him that space to show you he does love you and can be trusted. And plus that way you have a bit more evidence before you actually confront him!Uncle Phil's suggestion is good. Do you know what bar she works at? If you do then you should try to get him to take you there and see how he reacts. If he doesnt want to take you, ask him why? Seeing as he goes there with his buddies all the time, why not take you? Or alternatively go out and just happen to stop in there. See his body language and of course make it very much evident you are together. If he starts acting odd when this girl is there you can use that to ask him what is wrong etc. Also it was suggested perhaps she doesnt know he has a gf- but let me tell you. There are LOTS of women out there (and I know lots!) who wont see anything wrong with guys who do already have gf, wives etc.Anyway if you discover he is is considering doing something with her or actually did something then ditch him. You deserve lots better than this and never doubt that. You would owe it to yourself to find someone who can give you what you deserve.Good luck and keep us posted with what happens!
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): Now that you have looked you will have to come clean. Offer him the opportunity of freedom and work at the bar, or a huge amount of reassurance and not to. You could hang fire to see what happens but the reason you looked at his stuff was because you felt there was something obscured or secreat undermining your relationship and he was not feeling free to be honest.Don't you think you could have been looking at that forum anyway? It is not a private area, you are free and able to look at those. I don't think you should feel guilty about looking at all. Why would he be sharing that stuff if you can't look at it? Perhaps he wanted you to know. You could always spread a rumour that she has herpes but denies it very convincingly! Sorry ignore me I am being naughty. One thing I do know is that relationships grow through honesty, even when it hurts. If he has enough invested in your relationship he will forgive you and ask you to forgive him too. There ought to be no need to hide things just to keep the relationship going. Everyone gets attractions, you will too. They usually pass quite quickly and there is no point hiding from that. Has this one though? You already have some worrying signs like him questioning whether you should be together. If he chooses to get mad at you about looking into this, well that is a very convenient excuse. He could use it as the reason for breaking up. If he does he has already left and you should not feel in the slightest bit guilty. In fact if it were me I would be considering a break "because I have reason to believe that you are not comitted to me, that you are considereing a relationship with the barmaid and that is not good enough for me I am afraid". You don't have to tell him how you know, I mean his friend could have told you. You would be in your rights to refuse to say how you know. Just make sure you stick to that or as I say, he may very well conveniently turn it against you as I already said. If he does, he does and you have confirmation that he is not committed. It will not be because of you, it will be because of him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): Maybe you've had one fight too many but there's no way of me knowing without a bit more info - like what the fight was all about for instance.
Sounds like he's preparing his next 'landing strip' after he takes off from you, but you could clip his wings a bit by turning up at the bar and wrapping yourself around him. I bet this other female knows little, if anything, about you so get yourself looking good and show her what the competition is like. Maybe she'll back off if you become friends with her. Friends don't like to cheat on their friends do they?
Don't mention what you found on the computer which would only make things worse and give him something else to hold against you.
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