A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over seven months. We became physically intimate after two months and things were great in other respects, too (ie. having fun hanging out, lots of laughs, getting to know each other and each other's friends, etc.)Then into our fifth month I had a feeling something wasn't right, so I asked him. He said he felt bad that he wasn't putting his all into our relationship and that sometimes he felt attracted to me and other times he didn't, and he had a hugh stress factor involving money and family, but...he wasn't ready to give up, he didn't want to break up. Well, that just about broke my heart, I was so confused and at a crossroads because he stayed in the relationship, but he was shutting me out and cutting off everything, even kisses. We had discussions about where we stood often after that, initiated by me because I was trying to make sense of it all. I can tell it was getting too much for him, so eventually I stopped. It was emotionally and mentally draining for me, too, but I really care for him and want to be with him, hence the frequent talks. Anyway, I noticed that after I stopped, just let things be, and put on a smile and tried to act like everything was fine, he started coming back. He started kissing me again. His stress was still there, too, which confused me again. Unfortunately, it took about a month for anything like this to start again, and I started questioning my feelings for him in that time. Sure, he started kissing me again and my initial thoughts were "finally...sigh" but I felt like there was no sincerity involved, the words and actions didn't quite mesh together. I started to not feel those tingly feelings whenever I thought about our previous close together moments. I started to question whether I should stay or go.However, thoughts of breaking up with him weren't sitting well with me because I still care for him. A lot. I enjoy his company, his strength, his support, his encouragement (and get annoyed by some little things, but c'est la vie, haha) his teasing and ticklish glances and touches, and his sweet and kind caresses when it's just us hanging out, his sense of humour, his loyalty to family, and more. I can still see myself being with him for a long time.A week ago I brought up our relationship for the first time since he started coming back again. I said I wasn't sure how I was feeling and I wasn't sure about my happiness. For the most part I'm happy, but that rough patch did a number on me, and I think I shut myself out to prevent further hurt, to punish him for doing that to me, and goodness knows what else. (Sometimes I still wonder what really happened and why we had to experience all that rough stuff.) He had this look of "omg she's breaking up with me" on his face which he confirmed later on, but he said that he wanted to make this relationship work. He knows he needs to be more open, but sincerely sounded like he really does want this relationship.Last night he kissed me in ways that made me feel like he wanted me. I whimpered and sighed and started feeling tingly again. Tonight we got really physical for the first time in three months, and I also cried for the first time after we finished. I was ecstatic that we got that close again. I was feeling really aroused since last night and told him so today. He said be aggressive and...yeah, I think that made me really self-conscious because it had been so long and I just wanted to be close again, but I was still feeling extremely vulnerable and uncertain about us. I came. He didn't. (He asked if I were on the pill still, I'm not, and he didn't have any condoms - maybe he just didn't want any accidents and couldn't ejaculate? I didn't want any accidents, either. Oh, he's having some health issues, too, so maybe that's a factor?)Girl, where are your questions? Haha! Basically, I'm wondering about this crying after sex thing - who else has experienced this and what made you cry? What were you feeling? I'm seriously confused and don't know where to even start when thinking about what it could mean. Also, I'm wondering who else has been in such an uncertain phase in their relationship and what they did to come out of it - what helped you make a decision either way?I should mention that this is my first serious relationship and it felt right from the beginning and my boyfriend said the same earlier on - can it be though? Do these things happen?I know there are no guarantees in life, but...sigh, I guess I just wanted to let it all out and get objective perspectives. Maybe I'm not considering something. Maybe I'm not seeing something. Maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself and worrying too much. Maybe I'm afraid. Maybe it's nothing. Maybe I should just try to relax and take it day by day. (Er, suggestions?)Thanks for reading! Looking forward to reading your feedback!
View related questions:
condom, ejaculate, kissing, money, teasing, the pill Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your reply and frankness. Chilling out, mentally and emotionally, are things that I've been working on for a while now. Someday I'll get to the stage where I can just let things go from the get-go. Thanks again and happy holidays! :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): I think you just need to chill out big time. You've only been together for a short time. It's way too soon to be analyzing your relationship to the degree that you are. long term relationships naturally go through cycles of ups and downs, that is very normal.I've had two long term serious relationships. one was a marriage (got divorced) that lasted 10 years, with an additional 5 years of dating before that. Another is a serious relationship that's been going on 4 years now, it's complicated in its own way...my current relationship has many up and down cycles. No one can sustain that "want to be joined at the hip" feeling 24/7 forever. One of you will feel that way while the other doesn't. Then it will reverse. like you found, if you don't force the issue he will eventually 'come around' and then things get really good again. But don't expect it to always be intense, just don't freak out when it's not. Freaking out is a sure fire way to kill things because it makes things unpleasant for your partner. Lay off the "relationship discussions" , unless it's something very serious. No one wants to be with a partner who demands a 2 hour discussion every single week about the status of the relationship. with my marriage (I initiated the divorce, my husband begged me to stay but I knew it just would not work and the pain needed to end), the difference is that the up and down cycles were let's just say, mostly downs and very few ups. The last 4 years of the marriage had no ups it was all either "down" or else neutral as in "not so down"....that's how I knew this is not normal or healthy...we went to marriage counseling but by then it was too late we just had too many problems. Our problems did stem from massive lack of communication cos my husband was always from the start completely non-communicative and afraid or defensive so we never had ANY 'relationship discussions' so problems never got resolved just squashed or hidden away until they built over 10 years. So I'm not saying that you should not have any discussions at all about your relationship - when you don't, the relationship becomes toxic because problems can't get resolved.But at the same time, talking too much is not healthy either if it is one-sided i.e. initiated only by you and it is to the point of making things unpleasant for him. You want your partner to associate you with pleasantness, you don't want him to see you as being clingy or needy or he will start to feel suffocated.one thing could be that you and your boyfriend just have different needs for closeness versus independence. Your boyfriend could be a more independent person who easily feels stifled if closeness is expected all the time. whereas you could be the kind of person who needs more frequent closeness. It's probably easier for you to learn to be more independent than for him to try to 'get in the mood' more often. I am a lot more independent than my ex husband was which was another huge problem. with our massive lack of communication, I drifted away from the relationship whereas he clung harder to me in desperation which further alienated me. my current boyfriend has about the same level of independence as me. We've been seeing each other 4 years, and we go through up and down cycles where sometimes we are distant with each other (sometimes for weeks on end, the longest was for about 8 months) only to then reconnect in a totally mindblowing way. We're taking it slow, because both of us are badly scarred by our previous marriages - he is also divorced after also around 10 years of marriage, and his ex-wife was very clingy and needy which was stifling him. so in essence I think you just need to chill out and relax more and just give your boyfriend more space. Hold yourself back from making him discuss the relationship so often. If you talk too often before anything has had a chance to change, then you're just talking in circles and it goes nowhere. The less you talk, the more significant (to him) your words will be. The more you talk, the more it will turn into just background noise eventually (to him).If you're going to have a discussion, the do it and let enough time pass for changes to take place before having another discussion. If you're worried about something of course bring it up to him but after that if your'e still worried the next day maybe you should trying dealing with it on your own first before making it into his problem as well. good luck.
...............................
|
