A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Since starting work 5 months ago I have developed a crush on this guy. He likes me too apparently but it'S only ever been implied or said to other people. He's really nice and sweet and when something happens, he's the first person I want to tell. This seems great but, I have a boyfriend and have had for 3 years. We're going through a tough time so I don't want to make hasty decisions (leave him or stay, not cheat) but the passion has been gone for a while now. At a recent work party there was more passion in a hug and a lingering peck on the cheek with D than there has been in the bedroom with my boyfriend. I just want to talk to my work friend, but all I keep thinking is all the things that could have happened.I am afraid of losing either of them from my life and can't handle the stress of feeling I'm doing something wrong.What do I do?
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male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (2 February 2014):
 Passion is gone, you said ? Well, let me tell you something: passion is indeed very enjoyable (that's why we like to relive that sweet sensation by listening some love songs, or watching love movies like "Notting Hill" or "Love Actually") BUT... but it's an illusion. A sweet (and sometimes wet) dream that is designed to make couples for the needs of procreation. Sorry to be so down-to-earth.In fact, sex (which is the finality of a devouring passion) is a glue and without that glue to stick two persons, I bet 75 to 80% of couples would never exist. Just look at little boys and little girls who don't care at all for each others as long as their sex-drive doesn't exist. And these old couples where old dudes and old grannies don't exchange a word while they flee their home all day long, each doing what he or her likes the most, without their partner. No more sex pulse, no more love for the vast mass.THAT SAID if you can give a try to your current boyfriend, do it please as love comes and goes. If love one day existed between both of you, it's not impossible it comes back another day (it will be a slightly different feeling, but as much pleasurable). Trust me, I've been married for 20 years !BUT if you're current boyfriend is boring to death, cut the bound soon because you are both quite young but you two will need some time to reconstruct yourselves, and to try starting a new life.AND as for the other guy... I agree with the other posters below, it's rarely a good idea to have a love story with a colleague. If it works, good ! But if it doesn't (most of time) who knows what could happen ?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, parts of that were very helpful.
Just to be clear, I have no intention of cheating. I can see myself marrying my boyfriend, having children etc. At the same time I'm unsure of what I want in the future and whether I want him.
Thanks,
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2014): It's normal when people are missing passion and affection in their relationship; that they're naturally going to be susceptible to the temptation of outside attraction.
You may not give up trying to find it on home-turf; but someone impersonating your committed-partner, just isn't receptive to all the effort.
It's the one time cheating becomes an option under consideration; depending on how desperate the situation, how horny you are, or how low you are willing to lower your moral standards.
Love not withstanding, people think they're justified to cheat and blame it on their partner.
Commitment means, you are willing to forsake all others; to be in an exclusive monogamous relationship with a chosen partner. You call yourselves boyfriend and girlfriend; and no longer publicize single-status on Facebook. You use the same toilet, and share shaving razors. If gay, the same applies.
It doesn't mean you get to stray when things get a little slow, or you have a lull in the bedroom. It means you need to talk and get some things out in the open. Develop some sexual-creativity to perk up your lagging sex-life; or do some of those things you wrinkle your nose at that your partner has begged you for. After-all, you love him so much you can't leave him.
If you have an asshole of a partner who doesn't believe in talking things out, expressing their real feelings, or making any compromises. He's so inconsiderate he won't even put the toilet seat down.
You dump their sorry asses.
You waste no more time trying to open a reasonable dialogue with a stubborn emotional-kidnapper who's holding you hostage; because they'd rather see you suffer and rot in hell, before they see you sleeping with anybody else.
You need to get out of that situation before you go looking anywhere else. Dragging your drama and cheating-carcass into the life of someone who isn't looking for trouble.
Someone just needing a little head, or maybe they genuinely like you. People won't leave each other out of fear of losing that extra paycheck; or having to support yourself, are other reasons no one really wants to admit to. They try to sneak a little on the side, leaving their mate none the wiser. If you really do love them, you'll feel profound guilt. It would tear at your very soul. If you don't, it's as easy as wiping your nose.
Why is it easier to plot and scheme to cheat, running the risk of getting caught and kicked to the curb; then just breaking-up?
Just breakup, and follow that sweet trail of pheromones
wherever it happens to lead. If you're single and available, there is no drama to complicate all the fun you could be having.
People often profess or proclaim this profound sense of love and loyalty to this person; who they just can't bring themselves to leave.
Only the night before, in a fit of rage, called that very person names that would make the devil blush. They're so
tied up in the constraints of love for their mate; yet can't even carry on a disagreement without launching into a vein-popping deafening screaming-match.
They cross paths with some stranger and suddenly they are thrown into this "crush" that places them under a spell that makes them so horny; they can no longer control themselves. It's not a crush. It's lust. Teenagers and little kids have crushes.
When ignored, crushes quickly go away.
Already committed adults "get horny." Sexual attraction is the driving impulse. It's not as innocent as a crush.
Shake it off. Temptation will come again and again.
Evaluate your commitment to the relationship you have, and decide whether pursuing someone else while still committed is worth it.
If your present relationship has run its course; have the nuggets to end it, and move on to do whatever you like.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2014): It wouldnt be be fair to cheat on yr bf, if you feel the rship has no future you need to talk to him, and both decide if its worth staying in the r/ship or leaving it, if you don't want to lose yr bf you need to try and work things out.Dating a coworker is not a good idea,can you be professional at work can you put yr feelings aside there? everyone will know, you will have no privacy, what if it didnt work out, then you would both be the topic of work gossip.. Think about the consequences.We all get crushes from time to time, its part of being human, but we don't have to act on them, they do pass, they can pass.If you love yr bf and he loves you, try to work it out with him, try to be professional at work and forget this guy. Make it clear to this guy you are not interested.If your not feeling for with yr bf, and you cant see it working out, then break it off with him! its really not fair to him to have you cheat or be with him when its not right for any of you. You need to honestly decide deep down in your heart what YOU want, yr bf or yr freedom?all the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2014): Firstly, I'm sorry you're in this position - it's a horrible place to be. I went through something similar myself a few years back. The guy I fell for turned out to be terrible, and not half of the 'sweet, caring guy' I thought he was. However, my relationship wasn't right anyway. It is my belief that if a relationship is right, then it stands the test of things like this. You're not gonna go your whole life without finding others attractive, but there will come a point where you need to make a choice. The person I eventually fell for properly left me for someone else and they are still together. Works for some and not others, but you may have to take the leap to see if it pays off. Whatever you do, be as honest with your bf as possible. Hurts more when people dress up the reason for ending things. Good Luck x
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