A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my partner for a very long time, 14 years to be precise, and I'm only 32 years old, hes 34.For the 1st 5-8 years the relationship was perfect, the sex was good and we were, and still are, great friends, really close companions.However, life started to take over with work commitments and we didnt see it at the time but we gradually spent less time together and more time working as it was what we needed to do at the time to keep a roof over our heads. After a good few years of working hard and paying off some large debts we found ourselves not quite as close to what we once were. I did notice this myself over the years and tried very hard to get my partner to spend more quality time together, but the debts were unbelievably high so I understood that he really did need to work hard.I found myself feeling distanced from the relationship and when we were talking he would not be 'in the moment' and wasnt even listening fully to what I was saying, it felt like I was talking to myself a lot of the time. We did still have some very good times, more so at the weekend when he would allow himself to switch off, so we maintained what some of you may call more of a close friendship - as there has been no sex for about 2 years.He would mention the lack of sex and I just don't feel like it, and now I feel that's down to the fact I don't feel as close to him.Here is where it gets messy! :-( I met another guy last year and was instantly attracted to him physically. I made the mistake of telling him and spending time with him and it got out of hand and basically I ended up seeing him behind my boyfriends back.I can't believe it happened. I never slept with him, but it was a physical thing. I told my bf everything as I deeply regretted it and wanted to move on with my bf in an honest way with no secrets, as we'd always told each other everything. He forgave me. But as the months went by we both felt more distance between us and we'd done nothing to make things right, I was unsure about the relationship and he hated the state of limbo we were in.Then at the beginning of the summer he suggested we take some time apart to see how we feel about one another. We both agreed. But then 2 days later I found out he had been meeting up with another girl behind my back. I can't say I blame him. But I wanted to come back straight away as I didn't think it was right to take a break while seeing other people - something which we'd both agreed on!! Anyway, fast forward to the end of the summer - now! We have taken numerous breaks, each one lasting anything from 1 day to 1 week maximum! And each time he goes away and meets up with this other girl but comes back to me straight away all upset. He insists he has not touched her, but he does admit to inappropriate language with her and meeting her behind my back. Anyway we have also been looking at flats around the local area, as he would help me with a deposit, his way of making sure I'll be ok and that he cares. I can see he cares and can see he never wanted to hurt me, vice versa. We have both been very mixed up and vulnerable and unfortunately got involved with people who took advantage of our situations. Last week we spotted a very nice flat that was excellent priced and we thought we'd put an offer in. He was pushing for it more, but it makes me feel very sad to think of life without him, and so I beg for him to stay with me. He goes off, leaving me upset. The next day comes back and says he wants us to try. I find out he ha been for a meal with this other girl the night before. It's like every time he comes back all sad he has been to see her the night before. But this time he says he will put a stop to seeing her. He deleted her on Facebook and blocked her. He also sen we a message to say to not contact again and then changed his mobile number- a number that he uses for his business and that has had for years. This gives me confidence that he means it.This week we have been talking about what we can do to make our relationship more exciting. As I've always thought the better times have been when we have a common goal or a shared interest. So we start looking at moving house. We spotted one straight away, we've already had a viewing and we both agree its just what we're after, and because its a repossession it's excellent value for money.So now, going from this time last week when he was living with his mum, seeing this other girl, to now potentially moving home, I'm wondering if he actually really knows what he wants. He says he does, he says he wants to try with us 100%. He sees doubt in me and what I want, and I'm feeling so confused myself with everything that's gone on that I don't know if I've had time to process it all.And now I look online this afternoon and see the flat we both viewed last week which was already excellent value for money has been reduced by a further 14%. I feel rushed. As though I have to decide quickly. I am rubbish at making decisions too. I take forever. But with all this new information all the time it makes it even harder.What's makes matters worse also is the fact that I still really really fancy this other guy. I'm not going to contact him though, not while in a relationship, it's caused far too much pain and hurt in both our lives and we've both passed it onto our families causing them worry. But I do know that this other guy I could just call him, even if its in a year or whenever and I'm pretty sure he'd be interested.One strange thing also is the fact that I think this other guy is the first guy I've ever properly fancied. And the good thing also is that he doesn't want a relationship, so it would suit me if I went down that path. I just wonder whether its something I need to do, to experience single life a bit on my own and enjoy different stuff.Or, whether I'd totally regret it. I mean if my partner and I stay together I know we'd have a very comfortable life and be friends for life. There's so many things I love doing with him still, all the simple daily things. I don't feel I could ever find a love like this again, but at the same time know that we need to work on us as a couple. Yet, I can't imagine ever fancying somebody the way I fancy this other guy! I feel like I need to have sex with him a good few times to get it out of my system, but I can't do that and have my boyfriend waiting around, obviously!What on earth do I do? I'm wondering whether these 2 people - this guy and this other girl my bf was seeing are just clouding my vision and not letting me see clearly. It's all happened so fast and got out of hand.But this house we've seen we also need to act upon fast or the flat, but which one do I do? I try to think what is my instant reaction but I don't have an instant reaction, I just don't know and fear I'll be too late with any of it and we'll just both end up staying together here i this house not progressing.As for marriage, before you ask "why aren't you married?" I'm not one of these people who's ever been bothered on marriage or children either. All your advice and experience will mean so much. Thank you :-))
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): This is a crossroad in your love life, and a time for you to make a very difficult decision. I can see from the outside looking in, what I would suggest you do. I suggest you hold on to this amazing relationship that you have. That you make a firm decision, to give it your everything, 100%. Sex is no where near as important, at the end of the day, as a good strong friendship and absolute honesty. The heat and passion of a new relationship, always cools down after a while, and when it does, you need to 'like' the other person...I mean...really like them. It really is true, that the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence. Your current relationship, is good, it is not broken, it is not abusive, and you are not miserable. I think that you should realize what you have, embrace it, cherish it, and realize the value of it. For you to loose your bf, would be far more devastating and painful than you can imagine, and you can't imagine it. The excitement of a new man may be great for a while, but it will pass, and you have no guarantee what will be in store after that. I think you should buy the property that is a bargain, as if you have to sell again, you shouldn't loose on it, and you make just make on it...but you can't go in with 'backup' plans all the time. Try truly committing
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): Dear Anonymous,Let's hope you get a lot of viewpoints so that it will help enable you to make a decision in this very confusing time you are going through.The way you began your story might say it all: "I've been with my partner for a very long time" - you were only 18 at the time, right out of high school (in my country) a time when most people are discovering themselves, perhaps travel, have a gap year, start their tertiary education at a college/university, and begin dating. Some marry their high school sweethearts and it lasts forever, others, not so much. It all depends on the individuals concerned and their relationship dynamics.Both of you did the right thing, working on your careers, working hard, to enable the future you both wanted. As you said, the first couple of years were perfect, and then what many go through - you began to drift apart.It's a pity that when you felt disconnected and not emotionally close anymore, the physical side fell by the wayside and caused an even greater divide, which left you vulnerable and led you to temptation...Well done that when it happened, in whatever form, that you were honest with your boyfriend. Sadly, you must have hurt him deeply yet he forgave you. That is when both of you should have really worked on the relationship - given it priority, discussed what happened, and made changes for the future and set boundaries. This was not the case. This is why you still have problems now...I believe when he initiated the "time apart" it could have been the beginning of the end for you both. He had someone else, even if it's just casual, and this in turn did nothing to bring you two closer. However, it probably allowed what both of you might have needed: a chance apart to determine how you really feel, if you can't live without each other, and whether you are meant to be together.He was "forced back" when you realised there was someone else, and it's like you got him back out of fear. Then the pressure of being together and buying the new property due to the "value for money" is putting pressure when it should not be there.He is rubber-banding back to this other girl if given the opportunity until he cut off all contact, and you keep rubber-banding to this other guy and you both keep a yo-yo going. This must change.The two people both of you have been seeing are not to blame, or taking advantage of either of you. If both of you are firm about what you want, the other people would not be there to begin with. So it begins with both of you.As to decisions and choices - you doubt he knows what he really wants, because you yourself have great doubts yourself. "He sees doubt in me and what I want" - very true!Put the idea of a flat/home/other out of the picture for now, irrespective of the sale/cheap price, because first and foremost is YOUR RELATIONSHIP. If and only when it is secure, assured, committed on both sides, then and only then do you enter the very serious and long term agreement of purchasing something together - otherwise you will make the mess, an even bigger mess with more consequences to it.You "feel rushed" - so don't make a decision about a home yet at all.Perhaps the best thing right now is not to force closeness, but instead, to take real time apart, no contact on either of your sides, with NO NEWS of each other's lives (that includes NOT finding out if he is seeing someone else or not) so that both of you can figure out by yourselves, if you do indeed miss the other person, want them in your life, want a future together. During that time, you may even want to see a counsellor, to help you decide the way forward. It's a big decision with major consequences either way.You also "really fancy this other guy" but there is a big red flag there: he does not want a relationship! So this would be a casual thing, to have the intimacy you have been lacking, to feel free and enjoy being single without attachments. It sounds like this is something you feel you missed out on. Hence, have that free time apart, pursue this avenue, but realise, you may lose your boyfriend forever. He may not be available when you realise he is what you want after all. However, you also can't stay with him out of fear of losing him forever to someone else. You have to WANT to be with him, LOVE HIM totally, to be with him. If you don't, then set him free to find someone who does feel that way about him, and to avoid him getting hurt any more.Despite the great friendship, I believe you love each other, forever, but you may not necessarily be in love with each other anymore.It sounds like you want to try singledom and random passion instead of a "comfortable" life with your boyfriend. Just remember, married or not, when people are committed to each other, it's for life. There will always be other more attractive people who may come along, but they are just someone you appreciate at a distance (like movie actors) and you keep the boundaries intact, because the person you have chosen to be with, needs the loyalty, trust, faithfulness and love kept secure and honoured, just as you would want the same in return. So this other guy may be a passing fancy, but you risk losing a great guy who has always been there, and may always be there in future, IF you treat him with the respect he deserves. Both of you have had some "fun" now you need to decide: stay together, get couple's counselling even as individuals, work a way forward, or set each other free to pursue the world and all it offers, apart?It will be your decision ultimately, but don't let a house or other people cloud your mind: the only decision needing to be made is - your boyfriend forever, or not? The same with him - you forever, or not. Once both of you make that decision, stand firm and let nothing move you. Work on it, and at the first sign of deception from either, it's not to be and set each other free.Good Luck and may you have complete happiness.G's Girl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2013): I think you have been very cruel to him but I know it hasn't been intentional.
Let me summarise the situation.
You drifted apart then started cheating on him. Felt bad and told him that you wouldnt see them again...
then you wanted a break and he started 'dating'. You saw that there was competition and emotionally got him convinced that you two would have a good relationship and that you needed a house. He then went to the ends of the earth to make sure the other girl wouldnt be in the picture. You had won. But now having won you realised that the other guy you fancied is more your fit (I am guessing you never stopped contact) and now you want to end things so you can sleep with them. As I said this all sounds cruel.
This is what I think you should do. End things and apologise for doing what you did. It seems to me you didnt really want him, you just didnt want anyone else to have him. I mean I find it hard to accept that you havent had contact with the other guy over this time. If this is true why didnt you stop talking to the guy you cheated with? I am cringing when I think of what your boyfriend has been through and will end up going through.
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