A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm going to provide a lot of background to this, but my questions are ultimately:- Is what my ex said all just BS?- How common is this problem?- Have non-married couples recovered from this successfully?- Is this issue really related to porn addiction?-----Before I met my ex-boyfriend, while he was single, he would answer Craigslist ads of women seeking men for sexual encounters --- from what I know, he never met them in person or succeeded in general with it. This next part is about a year later...While we were together: I found out this August that he had started answering Craigslist ads in February that were similar to the ones described above. When I confronted him about it, he explained that around February, he felt unsatisfied with our sexual relationship and he replied to these ads as a way to feel validated because he was being flirted with in a way that he and I didn't experience together.As much as that sucked for me, I felt like it was more easily forgivable than what I realized later: We became long distance in April this year, and of course he continued doing what he did. However, these girls hardly ever replied except for one. He kept in contact with her sporadically for a month by text. At some point, he asked if she wanted to go out one night, but she couldn't. And once he saw pictures of her, he lost interest in her.Basically, if I hadn't found these texts and emails, he could have cheated on me -- and he admitted that if the conditions were right, he could have slept with her. This was what made the whole situation worse -- it wasn't just that he was interested in fixing his sexual relationship with me; he could have done it with someone else.------Here are things about him and stuff he has told me:- Every time he responded to these ads, after a while he'd realize what he was doing and that he loved me more than that. This doesn't diminish that he could have met someone in person. And sure, maybe he wouldn't have slept with her in the end, but he really could have- He thinks that porn is part of the problem because on his weekends when he'd have nothing to do and was bored, he'd spend whole afternoons watching porn and feeling like this affected him to do these things- He says that sometimes he's not "infatuated" with me, which I think is just his version of not feeling attracted to me. I can totally understand that this is what couples go through, but this is not how he should have acted- In relation to porn, he felt like I wasn't attracted to him because I don't have orgasms during sex. Although this is a stupid reason why he would turn to cheating on me as opposed to doing research to try to fix the "problem."- "No one's ever loved me the way you do." He's 28 and has had relationships but he's never loved anyone before or been in a long-term relationship before. And he's slept with at least 3-4 other girls since he was a teenager.- He has an alcohol additionMy questions are at the beginning of this long post, but basically I don't know what to do.. We're broken up now and he wants to take time to fix his alcohol and porn addictions, to figure out why he did what he did (I want him to get therapy but I'm afraid he's not going to), and to focus on a schedule so that he's not "bored enough" to drink too much or watch too much porn -- all because he wants to get back with me someday. And I've told him that I can't guarantee that that would bring us back together. We're still 400 miles apart, and he's visiting his family in town in a couple weeks and wants to see me. Ultimately, I want to know if he's just given me total BS. At this point, I've seen so much potential in him, and I think that he became lost to these addictions years before he met me.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 September 2015):
 I absolutely agree with Janniepeg on this one.
Addiction is lifelong battle, whether it's drugs, alcohol, porn, food etc. There is no cure. There are tools that helps the person control their addiction instead of letting their addiction control their lives, but not everyone can hack it. THAT is the truth.
Then he is dealing not just with ONE addiction, but with an addictive personality. Which means it's VERY easy for him to "fall" into addictive behaviors with a slew of things. And it's VERY easy for him to use the "not my fault" excuse.
I have OCD - in many ways it's addictive behavior. I don't drink (for instance) because I learned in my 20's (after a couple of black outs) that I'm NOT in control with alcohol. I don't gamble (been to a casino a couple of times and I KNOW that it's something I need to stay away from. Because it plays RIGHT into my OCD - (part of my OCD is numbers, and even numbers, see where I'm going?)
I have instead "USED" my OCD to get back in shape. Doing the daily 10,000 steps played RIGHT into my OCD and need for making things JUST so. I "use" it for my chores etc. too - so I try and "use" it for "good" only.
Addiction is not always "bad", it's WHAT you do with it that makes "good" or "bad" for you.
Whenever I hear someone use addiction as an excuse but doesn't REALLY take ACTIVE steps to DO something about it - then that is ALL it is - AN EXCUSE. Taking time to "think" on it.. won't fix a thing, I can promise you that.
Posting on Craig's List for ego boosts would not be OK for me and I don't think it SHOULD be OK in a relationship. And I think he DOES know it, but he doesn't REALLY want to take responsibility for his actions, easier to "blame" it on addiction. And to "blame" it on you. Saying that he thought YOU weren't attracted to him because you didn't orgasm.. THAT ... right there... is UTTER ignorant BS and again, it's EASIER to use that "excuse" than MAN UP and own his own actions.
If you want to hang out with him, I'd make it OUT of your domicile and no sex. Make it out to be having dinner/lunch/ walk in the park WITH a friend. Make it PLATONIC mostly for your sake.
You seem to waffle a bit about this. I guess you kind was hoping that we would say:" OH he can't help himself it's the addiction doing all this", but I can't say that without lying and if I had to tell you lies my advice would useless.
I think you BOTH have some unhealthy co-dependency going on - you in the "care-taker role and enabler" and him in the " child, I can't help it" role. You BOTH got something out of it for a while, but I think you woke up and realized that you WERE getting the short end of the stick, and that lead to the break up.
We have an Auntie here( SVC) who ALWAYS says DO NOT date a guy based on his potential and she is SO right. Because it's UNREALISTIC and it's NOT the guy you are dating, it's the version YOU "fantasize" him to be able to fulfill one day. Which... he might NEVER do.
I think it's a HUGE bonus that he lives 400 miles away. It will hopefully give you enough distance from him and the past so YOU can move on.
You CAN NOT change this guy. Change has to come from within him and HE has to make them.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 September 2015):
 This is not a man I would bother with, or move in together. But to answer your questions. Addiction is a powerful force. No matter if it's porn, alcohol, or ego boost, it takes over so it makes a give-and-take relationship impossible. He might try to correct his flaws but he needs therapy to get to the root of the problem.
How common is this problem? No one knows the exact percentage. It's impossible to calculate the total of every single state, the world. I would say addiction problems are growing every year. That doesn't mean you have to tolerate it because being single is even better than being with him.
I see that you are deciding what to do based on statistics. What should matter is your happiness and how he makes you feel. He makes you feel unattractive. He does not give you a sense of security. He's a work, a project. Does that feel like love to you? It sounds more like codependent to me.
Of course there are couples who recovered successfully. You emphasize unmarried, knowing that married couples have the commitment to work through things together. The reason for unmarried is the obvious. They are dumped before the other partner could see any improvement.
His number of sexual partners is not high at all. The only reason he did not cheat is because women won't give them their time of day. The only ones who would are desperate or unattractive. That makes him "love" you.
Porn addiction and alcohol addiction do not correlate with reasons for cheating. There are people who get violent after drinking. There are people who act very sweet, because their nerves are calmed down. Alcohol affects people all differently. When it comes to porn, sometimes it actually reduces cheating because that person is allowed to have a fantasy without meeting an actual person. If a person wants to cheat, he would make anything a reason. Orgasms may not have anything to do with attraction. Many women do not cum internally. He does not deny wanting to cheat. That's enough reason to kick him to the curb. Labelling him with a condition is just giving him excuses.
His chance of recovering and self improvement is not zero. That doesn't mean you should cling on to the hope of seeing him change. You are 400 miles apart. It shouldn't be difficult to let him go.
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