A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Not long ago, I discovered that my boyfriend had a non-sexual affair over 6-7 months of last year. This broke my heart when I found out, but things with us had been stagnant for a long time. We've since met up and openly discussed, over many hours, what happened and the issues we had in our relationship. My ex is a great guy and would never hurt anyone. He thought of this emotional affair as just a friendship and as soon as he got wind the girl wanted more, he told her he was very close with me and it could go no further. She tried everything to pull him in, and he ended up spending nights talking with her, trying to calm her down and let her down gently. All this went on without my knowledge of the situation. After many many hours of conversations with my ex, where I believe he's being honest about the entire situation, I look at where we are now and realise we're at a healthier place. Do you believe two good, decent people can get into an unhealthy relationship? Since we've been spending time together talking about things, we've both been more attentive towards each other and engaged in honest conversations. With nothing to lose, neither of us are afraid anymore of hurting the other person by being honest about why it wasn't working between us and what issues we had that led us down this road. I have joined many different dance classes, made new friends and feel that I've gone back to my roots - that I've found the old me.. the person I sort of lost (at no fault of his really.. he was never controlling, but never gave me any affection.. and I sort of gave up on my appearance and pushing myself to meet new people etc).Anyway, he's improved just as I have. He admits he's got some emotional problems and shuts down at times of extreme stress and that he needs to reach out to others for help now.. he's also become happier in himself, having time to reflect on his behaviour over the years we were together. We now meet up and talk frankly and openly with each other.. as if the stagnant relationship never happened. The chemistry between us is there.. we still have the same feelings for each other we did all those years ago.. but the stale way we'd become sort of clouded that.. but I know we're both seeing it.I've told this man I could never take him back, because there's so much damage caused from the lies he told me and the betrayal, but I'm happy about where we are now. I've accepted him into my life as a friend (which is what we were for years beforehand).. and I'm ready to accept we both move on and possibly start other relationships now, but I decided it was more painful closing him out of my life completely than to salvage our friendship. This isn't a 'see each other everyday' type friendship, but dinner once every month.. a few emails keeping in touch.. that sort of thing.I'm feeling happy about how things are at the moment. The confusing thing is, could you ever take someone back into your life that you had a stale relationship with or that has been dishonest and things could be different in future? I can't honestly say my mind's closed off to the idea one day.. because I still love him more than anything in the world. Neither of us could imagine our lives without each other in it.Why has a few months apart (compared with how we used to see each other everyday).. and time to reflect and look from the outside in at where we were, helped rekindle those old feelings and the excitement we once had? Is there more there worth saving? Or should I be just totally moving on. Has anyone else been in this situation before?Look forward to hearing your thoughts.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2010): Thanks for the messages guys. No you haven't confused me more, but helped me realise I'm not alone in the situation, as it sounds like you've BOTH been through similar ordeals.
This was a little different than some secret texting though - this included the texting as well, but he was visiting her during his business trips. I have to TRUST that nothing happened between them that was physical, but my boyfriend and I were not physical for years, (he's had some emotional problems with severely decreased his sex drive), so I'm choosing to believe him. But because there is still a lot of doubt there, and the trust is damaged, I could never take him back as a boyfriend. I feel now I have to move on, but having been in each other's lives so many years, I knew I couldn't lose the friendship. For our relationship, friendship was 90% of it. We were never very physical.
I wish you both the best of luck in your situations. To the anonymous poster, I do know exactly how you feel. I think under the circumstances, I would work through the problem, it's only texting afterall. Work through it IF he's willing to have frank and open conversations and show real emotion about it. If he shrugs it off then I would assume then it leaves it open that more's happening than just some texting.
It sucks that so many men get themselves into these selfish situations. Us women are always the ones trying to patch things up after they make the mess aren't we? ;)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2010): Hiya,
I am in a very similar situation. My husband of only a few months has been texting another woman without my knowledge. I only found out last week and thought 'right that's it, it's over'. We had such a rocky relationship for a while and I can see why he was sending someone else messages. He was looking for someone to make him smile again as I had given up also.
The situation is complicated as it was just friendly texting but although our relationship was rocky I would never have done this to him. We spoke and have decided to work things out and I felt great after we spoke and up to a couple of days later however now I just think 'have I done the right thing?' how do I know it will never happen again? I don't know what to say or think. I really trusted him and he broke my heart which will take a long time to heal, I just don't know if I should let it heel with or without him in my life. I love him so much and do wish this works out but I cant be in a relationship where I keep doubting him, it will drive me mad. Sorry I've probably confused you more.
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