A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'll try to keep this short but it is very difficult to explain (aren't they all..)My ex and I were together 10.5 months in all. After visiting me for my bday - around 9 months - he confessed that he'd kissed another girl, meant nothing, alcohol was involved, she has a boyfriend herself, etc. I was distraught obviously, because I'd trusted him, but realized a lot - realized how I felt about him, realized that people make mistakes, realized that our long distance relationship was hard on BOTH of us. It was something I could definitely get over.In time, after I came home and was transferring schools to be closer to home, our relationship got strange. It seemed I couldn't let go of what he'd done as much as I was trying to, and something was really bugging him too. Our entire dynamic had changed and it was terrile. It got to the point where I didn't feel like I was being treated very well anymore and had no idea what, so I called a break and said we shouldn't talk for a week so we could sort things out and so our relationship wouldn't be weighing so heavily on both of us.Well during that week I found out some nasty information! Apparently the 2 months earlier he hadn't just kissed the girl, he had sex with her. What a dog right? I broke up with him immediately, which was about a month ago, and we talked one time since then.It's funny because, he had sex with another girl, he lied about it, and allowed our relationship to basically fall apart. All of this was very out of character for him - this I knew because we have many mutual friends, we talk every day, I know the guy very well. We missed each other a great deal while we were away from each other and would both receive calls from the other crying about how much we missed each other. It's a sad fact that he chose to replace me with someone else for a completely meaningless night with a girl who also has a boyfriend, is unattractive, and who knows me! Terrible. I mean sure girls say it all the time "my boyfriend would never do it to hurt me" etc, but in all honesty, the kid has a heart of gold.Truthfully, I am the "better" one in the relationship - I hate to say it - but I get hit on a lot, I have always had a ton of friends, and I am the one away at school doing things while he is still trying to figure out his life while working. He's said many times that he feels like he doesn't deserve me and most would say he doesn't. Also, he has very deep self-esteem issues. A few years ago in high school he had no friends, and once he got a job outside of high school with many kids his age, he was able to change his image and thrived on the attention of girls. It's been years since that stage but everyone knows deep within him is someone who longs to be admired. I know that though I am a great girlfriend, being away all the time didn't help, and the fact that I have pride and am an independent woman who doesnt naturally boost the egos of men probably didn't give him everything he needed. STILL not an excuse!! I just like to logically think things through. And that is definitely a solid fact about him.The reason our relationship was falling apart was because he was beating himself up over what he'd done and for lying to me. He never kept anything from me, we literally told each other every little thing. He hadn't even told his best friend the truth about the situation until we went on the break (and that's how I found out) because he was so embarrassed about what he'd done.I hate to make excuses, because that's what it appears I am doing, but I know that he didn't do it maliciously or to end the relationship. I am really the best thing that has ever happened to him and he is just as disgusted with himself as anyone else is. Friends have told me he's miserable, doesn't go out much anymore, talks about me constantly, wakes up and goes to sleep each night with regret, etc. And this is not just one friend telling me this so as to have me go back to him, it's multiple people he's spoken to about how he is so lost without me and livid with himself. Either way I haven't spoken to him in weeks and haven't given anyone the impression that I miss him, though I do.I know "of course" he regrets what he did/misses me after the fact, and it still remains that he DID sleep with someone else -- for reasons unknown. But his character/personality/past experiences with me suggest otherwise.. he is not the type of person to think something like this is OK. The entire situation has very obviously been eating away at him since it happened, and of course me. I know once I get over this event (who knows when) I would be able to trust him again - I really don't think the trust is completely broken - is that wrong of me, or naive? Initially, when it was "just a kiss" I was shocked, and when I found out it was more, I couldnt stand to speak to him, but as time goes on I realize how important to me he is.SO, I need advice, is what it comes down to. Am I dumb for thinking we could be together again down the road, maybe months from now? Am I doing the right thing by not talking to him, or is that pushing him further away (perhaps where he should be, I understand, is the opinion of many)? AND, lastly, since it has been about a month, is it wrong to maybe ask him to meet for lunch in a week or so just to catch up and maybe to see if I feel this way being around him physically? Also, how should I approach that situation if I should do it at all, I don't want him to think that I want to get back with him immediately, I certainly wouldn't want anyone to lose respect for me in that department.Sorry this was so long, and thank you for reading!
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female
reader, flower girl  +, writes (14 June 2007):
 Every one makes mistakes and from what you have said it sounds as though he reaaly knows he messed up and is truely sorry, it sounds as though you also still have alot of feelings for him too and i do know from experience that it takes a while to get over the disloyality but what i would say is that yes if you carry on not talking to him you night well push him away completely as he will think you really can't get over this, i think you are right there is no harm in meeting up for lunch tell him how you feel about the whole situation but also stress that you want to just take things slowly and see if you can get back what you had if he really is sorry and likes you that much he will accept this and hopefully you will get over this and be happy again.
Take care.xx.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2007): You are analysing a lot and it really is quite simple. You are both very young, it is to soon to settle down. It would be fine to stay friends, you never know what will happen in future.
If he sees other girls you can look from the outside to see whether he stays faithful to them and that infidelity was a bad mistake etc etc. On the other hand he may be a cheater, even though in every other way he is nice. People are so complex.
The important thing is to find the right person for you and he is not the only option right now. Don't think you can change him, that is not your crusade, or to see the good points in him and overlook the bad. You may be "better" (interesting that you see yourself as superior - I hope that you don't regard seeing him as bestowing favour on the less deserving?) than him but it does not mean that you will be able to make him see the light - no-one can do that except him.
Keep practicing looking for the right qualities in a person. Make a list of what hreally matters and remember that what you see is what you get. Never make te mistake of feeling you can take the raw material and mould it - you can't.
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