A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey All,So here is my problem. I have a wife that is emotionally “not there for me.” I am very bored with my life. I am the one who cooks and helps my son with his homework; I get up early and make my son breakfast, make his lunch, takes/picks him up from school. I get home to make dinner. All of this I am not complaining just giving a background. I really enjoy the company of my son and used to enjoy my wife. I find myself resenting my wife and feel she is not contributing to our marriage. As I make dinner I look over to find her on the computer. When we go to bed at night she is never the one to initiate sex. I had knee surgery a month ago and I recall her getting me my pain killer’s 3-4 time and some ice packs. That is the extent I can recall her doing anything for me that wasn’t self-motivated. She hasn’t done anything nice for me in years. She never asks to go out to dinner or on a night out. I am always the initiator. I think she is compassionate for her friends, co workers, our dog, etc... I shouldn’t have to remind her to think of me, should I? Here is an example of her thoughtlessness. Her cousin booked some tickets to a play which was on the same day as back to school night. Rather than disappointing her cousin and grandmother she disappointed her son. Who does that?? What am I to do? I have thoughts of divorce all the time. Should I stay deal with this or take our son and break up his stable family life?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2007): issy,
It just dawned on me that i just want to be appreciated; i think that is really my problem. How can i get that without asking. i just want to feel like i matter, lame but i think that is it...
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2007): Issy,
Thank you for your reply. Your comments are appreciated and although very insightful I am not sure my point came across. I am not complaining about working or catering to my son, I actually enjoy it. We are very close and would never want to change that.
I know nothing is one sided and I have to admit when I am unhappy, I am not outspoken. I withdraw and just not interested in speaking to the person I am unhappy with. With that being said I can ignore her, but that is just in response to her actions. hmmm now that I said it "it may be my fault." I can say things to get an emotion from her but really I just want to see her demeanor change. Just to see her feelings and see she is not a robot.
The restriction from the computer may be a bit childish and I would feel dumb telling an adult that. If that makes any sense.
She has always been self-centered, I see little things that upset me and I don’t think I can change that by pointing it out. (example I would give her or my son better looking food or serve them first, let them pick where to go for special occasions... things like that) things like that just don’t occur to her. She is just that way. I can go on but maybe I am just not seeing it from the outside in. I guess that is why I am seeking your advice... I think I will try to talk to her again but it may be me "bitching again." I see couples out and really enjoying each other, I want that. Maybe we got together to young (18).
Here is one thing that you may find interesting. I went to a shrink about 8 years ago (relationship counselor) by my self and he suggested I should break up with her and go have sex with others. (Because I have only slept with her) well I thought he was nuts for suggesting we break up, considering I was there to save my relationship. Quite honestly if we didn’t have my son together I would have left a long time ago. I may just have to deal with her for 10 years until my son goes to college.
BTW we are both attractive people, we can find another partner if that makes a difference. Sometimes I think people stay together because they really would have trouble finding someone new. (My shallow thought)
thanx...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2007): Issy,
Thank you for your reply. Your comments are appreciated and although very insightful i am not sure my point came accross. I am not complaining about working or catering to my son, I actually enjoy it. We are very close and would never want to change that. I know nothing is one sided and i have to admit when i am unhappy i am not outspoken. i withdraw and just not intrested in speaking to the person i am unhappy with. With that being said i can ignore her, but that is just in response to her actions. hmmm now that i said it "it may be my fault." I can say things to get an emotion from her but really i just want to see her deminer change. just to see if she is not a robot.
Sex used to be great. She used to be outgoing now it is same boring thin.
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A
female
reader, pgissyd  +, writes (26 November 2007):
 Hun that doesnt sound like a stable family! The wife is usually the one who holds it all together.
You have been put into role reversal, women put up with that from there husbands daily, I know I do.
So I am going to give you the same advice I use myself and usually give to women in your position.
Sit her down, in a quiet calm atmosphere, talk to her, ask her how she views your marrage, the family and so on, Really take the time to listen to her, Dont contradict anthing she says, dont react to anything she may say that upsets or angers you.
Give her the chance to tell you why she has been so emotionally unattached.
Then when she has finished, tell her your point of view, make sure you are rational and calm at all times, dont say anyting to deliberatley anger or upset or hurt her.
I think by listening first then talking yourself, then discussing together, you will learn alot and so will she.
Then you both need to set ground rules, if it helps you can get a big peice of paper and a marker pen, write down everything both of you want to change, then work out between you the compromiss you each need to make, b that he spendin less time on the computer and collecting your sone from school three times a week, while you do something for her in retern or some other compromaises. If youwork it out together you will both get further.
Then comes the sticking to the rules, if she slips or indeed if you slip (it cannot be all one sided) what will the consequenses be? No computer for two days?
Work out rules, cosequences for breaking the rules and rewards for keeping them.
Work out what each ofyou want from the marrage itself, what is fair what isnt and whats healthy and what isnt and so on. Make a ay of it, it could be fun.
If you and your wife have any trouble communicating this way, then I would reccomend marrage guidance, they will help you two learn to communicate and help you both to see the damaging effects and correct them.
Please try every avenue you can before deciding you have no alternative o divorce.
hugs, issy xxxx
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