A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Okay here's the deal. I am fairly openly bi, have only specifically told about 5 people but in general I don't care what people say and think about me and I think most people have guessed because of various reasons--mainly, my inability to keep my mouth shut about gay rights/tolerance combined with my cuddliness with my female friends. HOWEVER, all that being said I've never successfully been in a romantic relationship with a girl because the two times it's kind of happened, it's just not worked because it's been someone I'm already REALLY close friends with and the fact of labeling it as romantic inadvertently threw physical aspects in there which seemed to cheapen our platonic love and trust. SO, neither of those really lasted. We decided to stick to friendship. But now, I have this situation with another female friend. I know she is open to relationships with either sex but is kinda like me in that she doesn't like labels. She says she doesn't want a relationship at the moment, but whoever she eventually ends up with is fine, girl or guy. Basically exactly how I feel, except I wouldn't mind a relationship. I'm not going to look for one but if it happens and it's right then I'm open to it. Anyways, enough of that background stuff.Basically this friend and I have gotten really close over the past five months or so. She's opened up and trusted me with things that she's never trusted anyone else with before and I have done the same with her. Our love for each other is so intense, there is just no way to really discuss it in words, so when we look at each other and there’s really nothing left to say we do what people do when words fail: we ACT. Physically we are very intimate. And while we've had the where-do-we-stand discussion multiple times, I don't think it's ever quite straight. We've both said we'd rather not look at it that way for the reason I stated above, that adding the physical-attraction element seems like it would cheapen our relationship and isn’t really what we’re about, but...I still am not sure. I know she avoids close relationships because she feels that she is unworthy of one, and has even at times been upset about our relationship and the fact that she thinks she doesn't deserve a friend who loves her the way that I do, and because of her insecurity I feel like she might possibly SAY she's not interested even if she was. Let me explain why the lines are so blurred. Writing the list to follow, I honestly feel like I'm writing some kind of softcore erotica, yet she says she doesn't see us "that way"! It’s so confusing! Because it doesn’t matter to me, actually. I could just as easily slip into a romantic relationship as I could stay being friends, because it isn’t going to change the way we interact really. It would just change the way we think about it, and the possibilities of going further. So here we go:We hug constantly. Like whenever she's not in my arms, all I can ever think about is how much I wish she was, and she's admitted to feeling rather the same. And they're not little friend-hugs, it's like we'll hold each other indefinitely, and tightly. If there aren't other people around she'll nuzzle my chin/neck (she's shorter than me so her head is right about where my shoulder is), and a few times when we've been sitting so we're about at the same level she's rested her forehead on my temple or forehead as we embrace. And, again if there isn't anyone around, or just people we know well, often times there is caressing involved on both her and my part, never anywhere too exciting mind you, just shoulders/back, sometimes on the arms etc. She'll take my hand and interlace her fingers with mine, and hold really tight--or she'll play with it, stroking/massaging my hand/fingers/wrist...a few times she's caught my hand as I'm messing with her hair and kind of guided me to her cheek, and either held my hand to her face and sort of nuzzled into it, or simply placed it there, an invitation to stroke her cheek/jaw, to which I gladly oblige :)I think it’s important that I discuss the way all these things FEEL. Her hands are just wicked. I have never had sex, I just want to make that clear, but I know the feelings associated with a climax :) and there have been times when I’ve been afraid that she’s going to make me come just by massaging my hand. And I love her so, so much. Infinitely more than I’ve ever loved another person, more than I ever knew was possible—but the whole relationship is built on absolute trust and complete mental compatibility, mutually unconditional acceptance, respect, and admiration, empathy, selflessness—I could go on and on. So to me, as someone who has more fluid, nontraditional ideas about love and relationships, it seems natural and inevitable that we would feel this intense love/bond. But maybe it’s stronger than I realized? Like, I’ve never actually spent the night with just her and no other friends because even though we go to school together she lives far away so it’s always somewhere in the middle. But I think that if she were to spend the night at my house sometime it wouldn’t feel like cheapening the relationship if we ended up making love because our physical passion has nothing to do with physical attraction…it comes out of the intensity of our emotional/mental love for each other and the impossibility of expressing those feelings in any other way except through touch.So I've described some of our interactions and things, and basically I'm wondering two main things. 1. What do you all think our relationship IS, exactly?2. Is it possible to be in a true romantic relationship that is very physically intimate but just doesn't have any interest in actual, literal sex? Like, when we touch my body feels like it explodes, and from the way she acts I think she feels similar things. I can't deny that it FEELS sexual, at least there's that level of passion, those same sorts of "stirrings". But I don't have any desire to, you know, stick my tongue in her mouth or my fingers up her p**** but if we are alone, our cuddling does get quite intimate and more intense, like aggressive isn't quite the right word but it's more, I don't know, urgent? It's just, we don't feel the need to go any further. The cuddling/rubbing/nuzzling satisfies those feelings enough, even though recently I keep thinking it MIGHT be possible to go further if we were given the opportunity. Lately I have sort of felt that I would like to kiss her but I don't think I'm going to unless it seems to be what she's going for.Thoughts? Pretty please? They are very much appreciated! Sorry for the long post!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): 1. I think its friendship** with a little extras like cuddling and intimacy but nothing too heavy like tongue kissing and sex. Flirtatious friendship. It isn't possible to be in a romantic relationship without sex....what u have is close flirting friends. Yeah what u feel are not in the slighest romantic. Romance is when you want to be with that person kiss, touch love date give receive gifts n when the time is right have sex. I think you two are just exploring one another body without commitment. Neither the two of u are ready for lesbian relationship. Maybe lesbian friendship. Newayz you'll both figure out what u want and who u want with time. For now just enjoy each other company and if neither of u have problems with what goes on between the two of u then let it continue and enjoy it without over analyzing it.
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reader, xgod +, writes (19 April 2012):
 Labels and semantics tend to limit and restrain relationships. You seem to have a healthy mutual love for one another and there is no real reason to place a tag on it.
Just BE.
You need to think about how you feel about each other and just live in the moment, live in each others presence, love and caress and kiss and HUG without qualms of how society would consider labeling you.
Just LOVE.
Ignore all the things you were raised to believe about relationships. Truly lasting and meaningful relationships just happen and continue without restraint or confinement into a category.
Just RELAX.
Enjoy your moments together. Do not push for a definition. Take pleasure in the fact that you have found someone with whom you may enjoy intimacy and desire. Let go of all the labels and categories. Just BE.
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