A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and I are getting along really well these days, however I recently keep thinking back to the first couple of months of our relationship over 3 years ago. It was very passionate and sexually charged. But my fiance at the time didn't want to put a 'label' on it (first 2-3 months). He didn't want to be exclusive even though he acted that he really liked me, I caught him on a swingers site, with a profile (new profile). He was back in touch with his ex and also tried to flirt with another girl through text when he was drunk. Now in saying all this about him, I was recently out of a semi mentally abusive relationship. I was clingy and needy and insecure and snooped on him. He knew all this at that time... and he is a very rational guy. But we still had so much fun together. Fast forward three months and we went on a holiday together and he told me he loved me and we moved in together.We've had our ups and downs but I really feel like he genuinely loves me now. Even though he is so logical and rational, I think his relationships with people strengthen over time. And he would not hurt me now. I am not the insecure needy girl anymore. But how did it all change? I know he always fancied me and was attracted to me, but I was "in love" from the start. It took him a while - does this mean that I am not "the one" for him,? By the way he is so rational that he does not really experience strong emotions.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2016): OP here.
Thanks everyone, allthatjazz you have him to a T. That's amazing. Already I am his 'advisor' as he will consult with me on most things. We have the same morals and values, and want the same things. I support him in all over his ambitions ... he's extremely ambitious. Our balance is my intuition & emotion and his logic & thinking. I just never thought of it the way you put your answer. Thanks x
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 April 2016):
 there is no such thing as "the one".
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A
female
reader, allthatjazz  +, writes (17 April 2016):
 The thing with rational people like him is that they're cerebral. In relationships, it couldn't be all about love. They have this certain formula in their head for a relationship to work. That's pretty much like all of us, isn't it? Except that for them, they don't leap to anything blindly. It will present certain challenges when you're married, but that's for another day. Now what you want before tying the knot with him is assurance. Understandable. And from my estimate, he loves you. He has to be. Otherwise, he wouldn't waste his time. The problem that you encountered the first few months in the relationship bothered him and he entertained the thought that he must have miscalculated. So he tried to see other people surreptitiously. He didn't want to lose you. He just wanted to be certain about his decision. I'm not justifying that he was right to do that. I'm just presenting you with his thought pattern. When he chose to stay with YOU, he knows he made the right choice. He was more certain. Hence, the engagement. Everything to them is a decision, including love and relationships. Don't be offended. It's actually flattering when you think about it. Now, what to expect when you're married? People like him needs to be in control. They aren't too flexible. But they weigh things. Your approach to that is not to challenge his authority. Give him respect for his ability to analyse problems in a logical manner. And you, you have to give him good rational, practical arguments. Leave emotions out of it. Even when you talk of having children, or choosing where to establish roots, or how to spend the holidays, etc., everything will be weighed. You will need patience and strong persuasive skills. Once he's convinced that you're on his side, he will always consult you in everything. If in doubt, you will be his adviser. He will value your opinion. As I said, it will present challenges, but I doubt that it will be like those during the first phase of your relationship. He had decided on that long ago. He has his eyes set on you and that's pretty much unbreakable, depending on how you handle him and your relationship. Marriage is all about balance. Yin and yang. If you have no doubts that you are the perfect fit given your own personality and values, you can bet that the marriage is for keeps. Being the one for him wasn't how he framed the issue. His question was, "do i love her enough to marry her?" It's difficult for men as it is to forego their freedom. For rational people like him, double that. I'm not sure if he's the one who's having second thoughts. You have to ask yourself if you can live not only with his choices, but how he arrives at his choices, including loving you.I hope you work it out with yourself. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 April 2016):
 The more important question is, is he "the one" for the long haul, or is he the one for "a relationship that lasts whenever it lasts." I think by default, women would want a relationship that lasts forever, otherwise there is not much point for marriage. There are people who seriously take on the vow, while others get married for romantic purposes, or feeling that you only get one chance in life. Something grand wedding you got to have before you die.
I am concerned about his long term ability because he was interested in swinging. You see, romantic love is often backed up by lust. What happens when one day you get bored of each other and he got urges to experiment again? Is his instinct to escape in a fantasy life or does he stick it out? That's the thing you don't know for sure. You may go back to your state of insecurity if you decide to snoop again and find things you can't handle. How fast a person falls in love is not an indicator of long term ability. There are people who falls in fast but also falls out fast. In general men also move slower on the scale when it comes to relationships. The only way he can show you he loves you is really by his actions, the willingness to make you happy. The ability to love is not determined by how emotional or how rational he is. It would be nice if we can all predict how our relationships pan out at the end. Maybe he has emotions but just doesn't show them because he is a man. He's supposed to keep it inside. I know his past makes it hard for you to trust him. I wish you all the best. If it doesn't work out do not take it personally. You will be happier if you don't dump all your hopes in a guy. If it can't last forever then just think something like people are not made to be monogamous, but at least we tried out a theory.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (16 April 2016):
 I can see this is a difficult stage for you. You are wondering whether to settle-in for the long haul, but you are worried he might bail out.
The worrying line for me was about his rationality. At the beginning of your post it sounded as if you were blissfully passionate which belies the rational description. And yet you are engaged to be married which shows commitment on both your parts - or am I wrong? Have you set a date?
If so then you can offer him a 'get out'. The way he answers should give you an idea of how he feels.
Remember DON'T LISTEN TO THE WORDS. Pick up on the emotion; the way he replies.
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